I dug up this fucking thing I wrote shortly after seeing Revenge Of The Sith and thought you’d all enjoy the laugh.

My feelings on the new trilogy have obviously changed toward the positive in the ensuing years.*

Hey, it’s never to late to change so fuck off. I’ve changed. No longer influenced by the suffocating restrictions of fanboyism, I am now free to enjoy each and every film on it’s own merits. It’s liberating and highly recommended, much like having Sasha Grey shit on your chest.

The following screed can be viewed in one of two ways:

1- The ridiculous ramblings of a fanboy who read to many internet reviews and succumbed willingly into the depths of unwarranted cynicism and blind ball-lapping.

2- Some dumbass shit I wrote to try and stroke my ego.

Choose both if you desire.

Enjoy fellow Brethren.

*I still hate Return of the Jedi though.

Flush Your Youth

“Stop living in the past.”– Bill Paxton in Twister.

The hardest relationship I’ve ever had to get over was Star Wars. It’s taken almost thirty years to finally rid myself of any sort of loyalty whatsoever to this series of films.

Star Wars was my generation’s Viet Nam. And now I can finally say the War is Over.

And I fucking won.

But not without a few scars.

Still, my mind remains sharp and clear, and at times as obsessive compulsive as a Hammerhead Shark.

Why is it so hard to disavow the Sacred Cows of our childhood? Change is a beautiful thing. It’s like a snake shedding it’s skin. It needs to happen in order to properly embrace the future. Resistance to change is equal to stunted intellectual growth.

Without change I’d still have a denim vest and a mullet.

Star Wars Timeline:

Star Wars(1977):
My Sister and I saw it 51 times in the theater. Bought all the toys, books, and comics. George Lucas by now is wiping his fat ass with all the money my Mom spent on this stuff.

The Empire Strikes Back(1980):
To this date nothing has matched the intensity I felt standing in line to see that film for the first viewing. The best of the Star Wars films by far. Depressing as all fuck though. Nobody got out smiling. Except Billy Dee Williams and his assistant with the headphones(well, he never smiled actually). Saw it twenty-something times in the theater. Bought some more merchandise, further contributing to the growth known as George Lucas’ chin. In the next few years the Saga would begin to lose it’s luster.

Return of the Jedi(1983):
Saw this turd the first time at the Drive-In. So flat-out drunk I passed out on the hood of my car just before the Ewok battle. Saw it a month later in the theater. Fucking hated it. Passionately. George’s chin goes into full on “storing acorns for the Winter” mode. Rumors abound that Lucas is investing in the lucrative White Slavery market. These rumors turn out to be true.*

Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace(1999):
Stunned by the pure shitiness. Speechless really. CGI did not help. Those models in the first trilogy, I mean, they were real. Real always looks better. George now has a thirty mile stretch of road at Skywalker Ranch paved with hundred dollar bills and Krugerrands.

Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones(2002):
Not as stunned. But then, shitty was expected. And shitty is what was delivered. George’s chin is now bigger than the average human thigh.

Star Wars Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith(2005):
The least shitty of the new trilogy, which means it’s still shit. Brief moments of not-badness though. Anything good in it was wiped out by Darth Vader’s comedic delivery of the following dialog…..”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” Laughter was actually heard in the theater. Not the desired response George. George’s chin now officially takes over, instructing him to shuffle on over to the beloved Indiana Jones franchise and have a stab at running that into the ground. Mission accomplished. Douche.

Let’s get down to brass tacks here. George Lucas is a shit filmmaker. Admit this to yourself and you will become enlightened. The guy hates actors. He fluked out with the right story at the right time and proceeded to hold us hostage for the next twenty years or so waiting for any little shred of hope that the next trilogy would actually happen. And when it finally did, in the words of Captain Willard in Apocalypse Now, “They’d never want another.” Jesus, the absolute shit that was the last trilogy was both intolerable and inexcusable. And hey, let’s not forget Return of the Jedi. That movie sucked about 13 variations of ass. Ewok ass.

“Well, they made a crapton of money.”you say? Shit like Meet the Spartans and anything with Will Farrell makes a lot of money too, and I wouldn’t wipe my ass with those movies. I think a lot of people that went to see each one two or three times just had to see it again to convince themselves that it was indeed as bad as they thought on first impression.

Man, even Ewan McGregor sacks the movie every chance he gets and he’s not the greatest example of Good Career Choices. Trainspotting was the peak for him(excellent film). He’s never matched that before or since.

Hayden Christensen? Nothing really needs to be said about that waste of cells other than they could have gotten a Silverback Gorilla on Crystal Meth to play Anakin and he would’ve done a better job. And the kid that played Anakin in Episode One? What a little piece of fucking shit. Fucking embarrassing.

You don’t agree with me? That’s fine. This is just my opinion. I mean hey, I still like Wang Chung and Chain Smoking Cigarettes so what the fuck do I know?

Take Eddie Van Halen, for instance. He was my biggest influence on the guitar until Roth left the band(1984 kind of sucked, if I’m honest). As soon as Roth left, whatever soul/passion/Krell-fueled inspiration he had died instantly. His playing became generic and boring. Definitely time to move on. You want to hear him at his peak? Put on Fair Warning. That album is EVH at his most badass. That shit is inspiring.

Not as inspiring was the girl in my High School that tried to commit suicide when she finally realized that the bass player from Def Leppard wasn’t going to eventually marry her. The fact that she was my ex-girlfriend doesn’t make her any less fucking insane. In fact, I’d probably contributed in some miniscule form.

Man, have you ever really watched Saturday Night Fever? My Dad took me too see it when I was eleven years old. Pretty fucking harsh movie for a kid. Language I’d never heard before. But language I’ve used from that day forward. Educational. Cunt.

Stuff like Star Wars and Kiss, I mean, do you really still like it?(well, Destroyer is still a good album but I attribute that to Bob Ezrin more than the band). They are two examples of a product directly aimed at children that turned out not to be a labor of love, but a successful commercial venture that was milked like Boar Tits for a few decades. Well, fuck those people. We know better now. Tomorrow’s another day. Every Sheep has a silver lining. Don’t pay the Ferryman.

*Not true.

(Editor’s Note):
I don’t really agree with much of this screed anymore to be honest.