Basement Cheetoh Eater
- All looks and no brains makes Dylan a dull boy.
A tough handsome loner who traverses the delicate balance between good and evil. Using only his wits and an array of religious weapons, he fights the monsters our society isn’t ready to know are real. An epic battle for humanity’s very soul.
But enough about ‘Constantine’. Let’s talk some Dylan Dog.
The good news: Dylan Dog isn’t the cinematic abortion so many have claimed.
The bad news: It’s a lukewarm half measure. And when you’re a modest throw-away bit of harmless trash from Hyde Park Entertainment, you can’t afford to be disposable.
The real issue is that Dylan Dog never elevates itself above its meager trappings. And that’s unfortunate…because there was potential there; but it was squandered by a stingy director who didn’t trust his cast and source material (which was certainly thin – but not completely devoid of opportunity).
- The Black Hand of Death.
Dylan Dog: Dead of Night is based on an Italian comic of the same name….Europe’s half-assed answer to “Hellblazer” (the comic that the film ‘Constantine’ was based on). Dylan Dog is your typical mumbling and damaged gumshoe….his girl was murdered by vampires, his private eye business is failing and an earnest and annoying sidekick wants in on the gig. Formulaic, to be sure…but cliche can be fun when it’s used to examine one’s condition (or the realities that lead to the stereotypes the aforementioned cliche is based on). Dylan Dog doesn’t attempt that, however. It doesn’t want to explore it’s “Mike Hammer” DNA. It never lets the absurdities of film noir breath and come to life. Instead, it simply announces the protagonist’s job (as if it embodies all that he is) then moves on with the underlying gag of the film (one that it replays regularly for the remainder of its running time).
As Dylan Dog, Brandon Routh is merely adequate. Oddly, I found him to be perhaps the best aspect of the snoozefest that was ‘Superman Returns’. I liked his subtle and restrained turn as the Man of Steel….but that script offered him virtually no support. But, in Dylan Dog, he seems bored…not bad really, just complacent. And, as an actor trying to make his mark, complacency is a worrisome trait.
But the film is not without its meager charms. As the wisecracking (and unexpectedly undead) sidekick, Sam Huntington is a hoot. In his second teaming with Brandon (Sam played Jimmy Olson in the crappy Superman flick), he manages to steal every scene he’s in. And not just because Brandon was phoning it in. He has a good, natural comedic timing that other young actors (like Michael Cera) lack. As he wakes up in the morgue to discover he’s been mercilessly killed (and is now fated to walk as a begrudging member of the undead), he nails every scene with a wonderful mixture of bewilderment, annoyance and outright panic. He just can’t accept that his life will now be spent bleaching his teeth and using Pine Sol as body wash….and whenever his limbs (or other pieces) deteriorate too much, he will now have to shop for new ones at a “body shop”. The undead are truly the heart of this throwaway flick….wandering the streets in self loathing (the monster community’s most tragic and unemployable lot). The social metaphor is obvious and hilarious and provides the films only real laughs.
But the problem is, the story is bigger than that. And so, we’re left with Dylan as he tries to unravel a mystery (set in a world that is WAY too similar to that shitty ‘True Blood’ show) and thwart a plot to resurrect the arch-demon Belial.
And that brings us to the second (and possibly only remaining) redeeming factor the movie: it uses practical effects in terms of costuming. And they alternately look hammy and awesome – and both work. Belial is one of the best-realized demon costumes since Tim Curry’s epic imagining of ‘Darkness’ in Ridley Scott’s ‘Legend’. Aside from the CGI addition of wings in the final moments of the film, he looks fantastic and is the stuff of childhood nightmares. The decision to go this route is bold and professional – but is simply not enough to save this film from bargain-bin DVD hell.
The studio spent quite a bit promoting this film – but literally one week after its release, it’s being pulled from theaters and is now on its way to a Best Buy near you. And don’t expect the local store to stockpile many copies…this is a film that will be forgotten in a month (about the same time as Black Swan loses all relevance).
Eloquently written. Well done, sir.
Without having seen it, I still have to give the film high marks for using practical effects. While the trailers for movies like Green Lantern are boner inducing, there’s just way too much reliance on CGI for my tastes.
I’d see this over Thor this weekend. The whole italian comic book angle makes me think it’ll be Argento-like, but I’m probably way off base.
Argento-like? This film doesn’t even require its PG-13 rating…seriously, it’s PG at best. No gore, no scandal, no biting humor. It’s actually kid-friendly (oddly enough). Borderline bland.
It kind of makes me wonder if this is horror-comedy’s version of Babylon AD where the studio trimmed out 40 minutes of material…because very little happens. There’s an occasional chuckle..but not one moment is Argento-like.
And Asia Argento would’ve been a lot more fun than the dull Icelandic pixie they cast.
The Argento was just wishful thinking…..PG for real. When will suits realize that horror fans don’t want PG-13 movies or even PG. Fuck me, now I’m back on for Thor.
It’s funny I saw that pic before I read the article and immediately thought Legend.
Bring me the horn of the Unicorn.
The bastard son of Christopher Reeve and Buffy, by way of Bruce Campbell? One dead, one career dead, and the other one in eternal career limbo? If that shit isn’t confusing, I don”t know what is.
Thanks, but no thanks; I’ll be sufficiently patient for “Abe Lincoln: Vampire Killer” : stomping all existing box office records in Summer 2012.
Holy Shit, HOD is alive!
Did somebody say Bruce Campbell?
I was looking forward to this for ages. I’m glad its not a total pile of crap, but ashame that its not more.
Oh well. Nice review, Cheetoh. Long time no speak 🙂
Anyone around, don’t make me go slumming back to Gingertown. I always feel dirty afterwards.
We won’t ever force you to go to that wretched hive of scum and villainy. You are safe here.
GInger’s is a fucking cesspool lately. Ever since the Wolverine massacre that place has gotten progressively dumber each day.
They are always a day late and a dollar short. I’m not heartless, but how is news about his surguries and health problems ‘cool news’. And Drew Hayes is dead…
It’s just an abyss. It feels superfluous for me to even say it. I never go there anymore. His shit isn’t even “fresh”. All his news is literally 2-3 days after it’s bee reported by better sites like Coming Soon, Latino Review and SuperheroHype.com. I honestly think his health prevents him from keeping his site going and it’s really showing.
The only nibblets who still hang out there just like the message board flame war of the day. Nothing relevant happens there beyond that.
Fuck that place.
Summer movie season is under way and I am not looking forward to much. I’m kind of excited for Green Lantern, though Reynolds has the Keanu Reeves pre Matrix stigma for me that he has yet to break. Nothing really unique is the queue. Actually anyone heard about Trollhunter ? I think Super 8 will be interesting, if only for I want to see what JJ does with it.
Everything this year has been either mediocre or just total shit. There isn’t anything coming out that I find remotely interesting. This whole year is a bust theatrically speaking. I’ve seen some good things through Netflix though.
Yeah I’m doing alot of Netflix watching. Doing Firefly right now, never got into it when it aired
Fucking Jeff Conaway’s ticket is punched
Keneckie has gone lickety splittie.
BETTY WHITE IS NEXT.