The Master Serves Up A Massive Portion Of Pork

Posted by: STUNTCOCK_MIKE Posted on

Fatty. Greasy. Salty. All of these words can be applied to Paul Thomas Anderson’s latest The Master.

Words that cannot be applied to it: Lean. Fun. Entertaining. Engaging.

Nolan is not the New Kubrick. Nolan is the New Speilberg. He makes quality films for You and I, just like The Beard used to.

PTA is the new Kubrick. Everybody feels they must lick their balls or they won’t be considered “serious” film lovers. My credentials are the same as yours as a film lover. I pay my money, sit down, and either enjoy it or don’t. Those cunts make films for themselves and could give a fuck if you dig it or not. Directoraly they have fairly similar threads. Both guys make films that are visually beautiful. Both usually feature the lead hamming it up. Both make the odd film that has sections so painfully fucking dull that your either looking at your watch or kicking yourself in the balls for not sneaking booze into the theater.

And make no mistake The Master is chock full of ham, much like PTA’s last opus There Will Be Blood. Blood though is probably the best unintentional comedy I’ve seen in fifteen years. And it also has one thing The Master doesn’t, S T O R Y . Still though, after a few years I tend to not want to watch Anderson’s films ever again.

I’ll give it to Phoenix though, he is not subtle in this film. Hehehehe fuck me though, see this movie and tell me he doesn’t look like Mel Gibson at 45. Jesus, Suge Knight casting those two as brothers in Signs was inspired genius. Shit is fucking eerie. There were a few real guffaw-type laughs in the film. I loved the one-shot scene where they’re both in jail and Phoenix tears apart his cell Kinski-style.

As a viewer you’re never really engaged with the film, it’s just presented in such a way that I felt like I was supposed to be in awe of the thing. See I think the whole problem is Paul getting final cut from Magnolia on. He’s just slowly become this art-housy pretentious shitbag filmmaker with no outside filter. Kubrick got away with that for an entire career. Now don’t get me wrong, I like a lot of Kubrick’s stuff(and Anderson’s), but let’s be honest, there’s some shit there too.

                                              Still waiting for the fucking fun to start.

 

Yeah Hoffman is a good actor we get it but man fuck me if I can remember him being this forgettable in a role. Amy Adams is pretty good but who cares. She is fully clothed except for the scene with all the nude broads watching Hoffman sing which I predict will be on Dickblood’s “Must See” list of 2012(Two words:HAIRY BUSH).

                                                   Fooled ’em again nyuck nyuck.

 

So yeah I’m probably the only fuck on Earth right now that didn’t like this movie at all, or at least the only one that’s admitting it out loud. Really though, someone needs to stop saying “Yes” to Paul and pull the fucking reigns a little bit, maybe get him to work off someone else’s script. Just a suggestion. Or maybe Paul just needs to start doing coke again. Fuck it.

AIBN staff member Koutchboom three minutes before stuffing his meat into Stuntcock’s ex-wife Janis(a.k.a. The Oklahoma Gobbler) at the 2012 Toronto International Film Festival.

 

 

 

Comments (16)

  8. I guess I’m in the minority here, but this is my favorite film of the year so far. The naked scene was, I believe, in Freddie’s head. Those women were Dodd’s dancing angels. In Freddie’s head, they’re all naked. I’ve only seen it once, and it was a little over a month ago at one of the screenings he held, but I want to see it again.

    Also, saw Looper on Saturday and I can say it’s mostly really good. I can’t say I’m a huge Rian Johnson fan, or a fan of fucking LENS FLARES, but Looper really worked for me. I think you guys should give it a shot.

    Anybody else see End of Watch? I thought that was tight as fuck.

  9. Actually Vowel I think you’re in the majority bro.

    End of Watch was okay but the fucking ending burned the whole movie for me anyway. I love Ayer though overall. Street Kings is fucking badass.

    Did any of you see the trailer for that Kidman, Cusack joint from the director of Precious? Blew my fucking mind. I’ll probably never see it though.

  10. I guess E. O. W got me because I really liked the character and they wrote them so well. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I were in J. G. shoes.

    I did watch the trailer for The Paperboy thinking they finally made my favorite old nintendo game into a movie where Efron gets pissed on. I will watch for that scene. I hear the movie itself is awful.

    A lot of folks seem very split on The Master, and I can see why. I think most people praising it are praising it because they feel they have to. I also feel people are shitting on it because they just hate Anderson without seeing the movie first. So it goes. It really moved me and I have some experience with cults myself, so parts of this really hit home for me.

    To each they’re own, though.

  12. Had to work late last night and didn’t get out to see it. Damn job interfering with my movie watching. It’ll probably be gone when I actually make it the theater.

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