WHAT NOW?

Posted by: Koutchboom Posted on Posted in: , , , , , , , , , , ,

WE GET IT YOU THINK YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THE MOVIE NOW FUCK OFF.

What a troubling and puzzling time we live in right now. It’s like…now what? Nolan has unleashed his fucking masterpiece on us. The trilogy is complete. Do I ever wanna step foot in a theater again? What good could come from that? Especially whilst Rises is still out there…haunting us, like a watchful specter. I’ll be honest, paying for anything else, with Batman on right next door…it would feel like cheating. That’s not the man my mother raised.

If you haven’t seen Rises three or more times already, then fuck off…don’t bother reading the rest of this. You’re no good to me. Otherwise, let’s start the process together. Let’s figure out how we will continue to function henceforth.

I mean think about it, your grand kids, or some cute neighborhood kids who are 3-5 years old right now. Eventually they’ll have some faint recollection of this big Batman thing that was huge when they were too young to see it or understand it. Now imagine getting to FUCKING DEVASTATE them with the whole trilogy 10 years from now. How amazing is that? For now, just know you will be able to experience that one day, witness the face of an ‘innocent’ being shattered by the power of Nolan for the first time…that’s a magical thing. It’ll probably be far greater than most of those old movies we heard about growing up, then finally got to fall asleep to over and over again until we turned 30 and were able to fully enjoy boring-but-good movies, then came to realize now they’re just more historical documents than an actual cinematic experience.

Nolan’s Batman…has owned all.

RESPECT.

Now, with all the sadness and lament we’ve all no doubt been struggling with, let us keep our chins up, move on to ‘what’s next’ and turn it over to Professional Koutchoom to walk us through these troubling times…

 

Koutchboom?

 

Hey Professionals! I send out my sincerest congratulations to Nolan and Bale and the whole Dark Knight crew for a job well done…tremendous tremendous work, fellas. I must say, I feel a bit worthless trying to teach the world how to move on from this defining moment in culture and cinema, but LET’S TRY IT!

First off, whoever put Total Recall out this close to Rises should be out of a goddamn job come Monday, when the box office receipts drops harder than Whedon’s balls when the end credits of The Dark Knight Rises started rolling. Just a terrible choice of date. Why the fuck didn’t it come out in March or April when there was zero competition?

So let’s be clear, movie-going is a workout…albeit a mental workout, it’s a workout nonetheless. After experiencing something as dense and monumental as Rises multiple times, it’s best to ease back into the swing of things with a light jog, maybe a couple of push-ups. Nothing too intense. You don’t wanna fucking pull anything by watching a film that runs over 90 minutes, that’s for sure. These are the safety precautions one must take ADTDKR (Anno Domini The Dark Knight Rises).

Luckily the Hollywood overlords foresaw this and programmed accordingly (of course, the always gluttonous general public has sort of overlooked this notion, but I’d rather them RISE and RISE again until lambs become lions for Rises.)

BOB FUCKING HOSKINS
“I’re always told me mate Bob that trollop were no good fer’em.”

So here we have it, the first film I offer you for your post-TDKR slump…STEP UP: REVOLUTION.

NOW NOW…hear me out. Trust me. I GET THE OUTRAGE. How can some tacky pop filth ever cleanse my soul and allow my brain to disconnect from the epicness overload of Rises???? Well it’s quite simple really. It doesn’t. It doesn’t have to. It’s filler. It’s a fun, silly, simple waste of time. The plot is simple, you know where it’s going from the start. The acting isn’t anything, but allowing your brain to turn to mush and admire the spectacle of dance is a blast. And the use of 3D is actually fun! It transports you back to a time when Hollywoodland was still interested in producing pure pop joy. Not every movie has to be a profound tale of adventurous self-discovery. Sometimes you just go to admire the visuals and relax. There is a caveat here. I love dancing. I’m no dancer myself. Shit, as a 400 pound Korean woman, I’m hardly mobile, so I may be a little biased here… my admiration of dance is more wish fulfillment of motion. I’ll never be able to do it, and when it’s done in such a fun way, I can appreciate the simultaneous simplicity and complexity of it all at once.

DANCE DANCE BITCH

Anyway, it’s not as good as the third film in the series, STEP UP 3D, but it’s an enjoyable little date movie. 3D did a better job of showcasing the special dancers and changing up the style of segments. Also, the aerial shots of Miami in the new one, the digital grain is sort of fucking awful. They look like bad video footage that should’ve been left on the cutting room floor of the Miami Vice TV show. It shouldn’t have been allowed. Scott Speer needed to study Nolan’s approach a little more and understand the principal of making EVERY SHOT the cleanest and clearest YOU’VE EVER FUCKING SEEN.

No One FUCKS with Nolan.
You can always make it cleaner. – Christopher Nolan

So if you feel you’re too big and bad to watch a fun dance movie, good for you…just walk right the fuck into Total Recall and try to refrain from straight up hating on the work of these fabulous dance prodigies. They wreck their body to ENTERTAIN YOU. But that’s fine…at least check out the soundtrack. It’s a great party mix.

Now that we’ve covered the power of ‘fun factor rehabilitation’ in this post 9’e’Nolan world we live in, let us move onto emotion. Now a lot of athletes make the mistake of going WAY too hard right after an event. They fail to understand the concept of the ‘cool down’, which usually results in joint problems or muscle tears in the dick region. You must understand….THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, isn’t just a quick sprint around the corner, it’s a fucking marathon. A MONUMENTAL ACHIEVEMENT. You gotta take it slow afterward, my friend. Maybe just a few leg extensions and a hefty dump.

Now this next one, this is the breezy post-dump neighborhood jog…

RUBY SPARKS is a fluffy almost-anti-romance rom com. Best put, it’s Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for children. From the married directing team behind the movie Hugo is based on comes pure romantic fun! The premise is simple, dude creates the woman of his dreams out of thin air, then realizes having all that power can be tough to manage. I think it’s that flush/fluid workings between the married couple directors and the actually-dating-onscreen-couple that gives this thing an added **SPARK** if you will. It just tickles you right in that perfect little AWWWWW SHUCKS spot. It’s nice and cute and simple and surprisingly…rated R?

FUCK YEAH FOR CHICK WRITERS!
Hollywood’s next power couple!

I mean, let’s get fucking real here, I enjoyed the frank talk in the film. It came off natural. In so many of these things, it seems like the actor has never said a single cuss word in their entire life. It’s forced and odd. Here, it’s natural and I barely noticed it. It felt like real life.

I was hoping there’d be a little more here. Hoping something would really resonate. Kind of like the way you felt that aching in your bones and cock as you walked out of Rises. This isn’t that…obviously. It’s just a nice piece about finding someone you think you love, but you’re not sure if you love the person or the notion of love or actually being in love. The leads here are a little offbeat, but the film itself isn’t as quirky or cutesy as you’d hope. It’s all pretty straight forward. There are nice little glimpses of LA. I’m sure the hipster scene will eat it up. People who call themselves ‘writers’ will probably relate to it on a deeper level than you because…..well, they ARE writers after all?

Yeah this happens in the movie.

So that’s about it this week. Know that there are others here, dealing with the same issues that plague you, dear traveler. It’s hard stepping back out into the world, blinded by the light of the shining city upon a hill after having marched through hell with Nolan and Bale at your side, but we must…endure. YOU must be the instrument of your liberation. Go out there and identify yourself to the world. Hopefully Rises will be in theaters for the next couple of months. FUCK. I’m not sure if it’s sacrilegious to see it in a $1 theater, but it may be fun? You never know. I just don’t want you to be weary of being able to enjoy yourself in the theater again. You have some options. The transition from gospel to mindless stimulation will be tough. It’ll take some time to readjust, but know that THE DAWN IS COMING…and we are here to help.

Bale bless, Nolan strong.

Both films.

FUCKING RISE!!!
You’re welcome.

STEP UP ASIA is shaping up quite nicely!

Comments (63)

  4. Yeah, in three viewings I never noticed that. I’ll keep a look out on the fourth.

    But that Gangbangnam music video is fucking epic. I love the windy bit with all the shit flying around and the his arms around those two bitches. So much fucking energy.

  9. It’s funny though this time around I noticed I was getting all excited every time Bane spoke. The tone of his voice mixed with the accent put me at about 80% mast.

    And in the second fistfight I was thinking of Joker in TDK saying the “lose the fight for Gotham’s soul in a fistfight” line. Goddamn.

  12. IDK it may be to hard emotionally for either of those two to set foot in the same room together after Rises. Just too much deeply shared passion and emotion shared between them, and they just know it could never be the same again so why ruin it.

  13. I’m probably going to see Total Recall this week. The only reason is because I have a free ticket, and want to see how bad this is. Arnold’s movie is a classic despite what haters say. It’s in his top five for sure. Even the trailers show them stealing his movie exact line by exact line. But hey they have lots of ‘splosions and pretty CGI, so it must be a good movie, right? Actually the one I’m really looking forward to is Expendables 2.

  14. Another thing I noticed yesterday scene-wise that hit hard was the quiet shot of the shredded flags quick cut to the quiet shot of 3000 cops standing there waiting to fight. Moving shit.

    And yes their fucking uniforms were dirty. Get over it.

  18. After seeing it again last night….a stand-out sequence for me that just keeps getting better is Selina in the bar with the Congressman…the fucking tension and the pacing, once she flips over the table and the score starts pounding….Jesus, just fucking masterfully composed, and it has nothing to do with Batman. Did anyone catch the SWAT battering ram on the door and the police siren in the alley being perfectly in rhythm with the music? It was almost like Hans added those sounds, as opposed to it being an independent sound design thing. Shit lined up way too fucking good. That whole bit going all the way to Gordon washing out of the sewer, with that ominous dread music….fucking perfect. Next to the final half hour, an outside of direct Batman stuff, I think it’s some of the finest filmmaking of the piece.

    • I love that whole sequence too. My favorite acting bit is when she starts shrieking like a horrified little girl, and then stops and appraises the situation with a raised eyebrow. And then it keeps going, fluidly transitioning into Oldman in the sewers.

  20. Fuck. Just remembered that horrible part where Bane is leaving Bruce in the pit and presses down on his chest before leaving. He barely fucking taps him and Bruce starts screaming. CLEARLY there was supposed to be an insert shot there of his hand pressing down but someone forgot to shoot it/put it in there and it’s just confusing and lame and makes Bruce look like a pussy. All the violence in this movie is like that.

  21. BAHAHAHA. You pretending this movie was some watered down gentle thing compared to previous films…

    Because Spawn’s death in TDK is sooooo hardcore. No cutaways or sound drop-offs at all in that film. Right.

    And how about Two-Face’s? Great broken neck impact there. Half the internet didn’t even know if he was fucking dead.

    You’re so full of shit.

    • No, all those moments are dogshit too but they were in a better movie.

      Nolan usually has ball less violence but its sticks out in this more than the others for some reason. Talia’s death scene was goofy as fuck too. He really needs an R rating.

  22. Nolan has never celebrated death. And he’s never come off as someone who’s particularly fond of violence. These are fairly violent PG-13 movies, sure…but he’s above all that. He’s probably disgusted by filmmakers that are incapable of making a PG-13 film. Like he just thinks Tarantino is the biggest retard on the fucking planet.

    Arguing TDK is a better film…whatever. But don’t pretend Nolan’s classy restraint had some kind of negative impact on Rises but it was a non-issue in TDK.

    That’s such a BITCH MADE way to walk through life brah.

  23. Koutch…you know that stupid bitch about the ‘manic pixie dream girl’ stock character? I had heard whispers that Ruby Cuntz somehow counters that…..is this true? Explain.

    I’ll never see it, I want nothing to do with the lineage of that spineless cocksucker Elia Kazan.

  26. Totally, Nolan should’ve snuck in all sorts of references…

    When Alfred tells him about Rachel’s letter, Bruce says: “HOW DARE YOU TRY TO GET ME TO QUIT BY DESTROYING MY LAST QUANTUM OF SOLACE”.

    When the blind Moroccan motherfucker is telling him to give up the rope so the fear can find him, he says: “CHOO MUST LIVE…AND LET DIE.”

    When Ra’s al Ghul appears to Bruce in the pit, Bruce asks: “SO HAVE YOU RETURNED TO DIE ANOTHER DAY?”

    When Catwoman tries to get Batman to come with her, she says “You don’t owe these people any….more….you’ve given them…the world,” Bruce responds, “SOMETIMES…THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH.”

    On the note Bruce left for JGL with the coordinates to the cave, it should’ve said “FOR YOUR EYES ONLY”.

    When Bruce slaps the gun out of Catwoman’s hand he growls: “DON’T THINK THE MASK GIVES YOU A LICENSE TO KILL”.

    IT’S SOOOO FUN!!!

  30. Professionals, I will apologize in advance. I will be on vacation for the next two weeks and any post I make there may be a slight chance that I may have been drinking prior to writing. Just a heads up.

  31. You know what pissed me off, bratty kids. Like its the one week out of the year that parents aren’t parking their kids someplace else and they actually have to interact and discipline them and they have no clue. Small children walking all over grown adults, yeah that’s going to go well when they hit their teens.
    Yeah and Breaking Bad is the shit, Mike is fucking awesome. Five seasons and this show has not lost steam. The cinetography is fucking professional, this show deserves to be watched.
    Shit Total Recall, I would have enjoyed it if they called it Looks Good on Paper instead. Standing alone it would have been fun, but comparing it to Verhoven, it looses all credibility.

  32. I think Danny is a huge Breaking Bad fan. The rest of us are Hells On Wheels sort of men. I’m sorry that show shits all over Deadwood. And somehow without the cussing or nudity its sexier and more hardcore at the same time. Pretty much HBO shows have taught us that “for mature adults” shit is pretty much akin to soft core stuff. It’s like either go all out or fuck off, so your better off giving something hardcore for the masses. Just like Nolan taught us.

  33. After the Hell on Wheels marathon yesterday I’m definetely a fan. I’ve been waiting many years for a superior Western to make it on TV & I’m still upset that Lonesome Dove The Outlaw Years didn’t have a longer run.

    • I’ll always be a Gibson fan. You know, until he does something especially heinous. But he’d be an interesting dude to hang out with. Wouldn’t want to drink with him though.

      “I’m busy with a writer who knows how to write.” Oh snap.

      And Mel with a fucking samurai sword? I thought the first MACHETE was ass, but I’ll give this one a shot.

      Hope he gets that viking movie off the ground. That would be the tits.

  40. Isn’t Lohan doing some movie starring opposite a porn star, nice career move. She’ll be in soft core soon enough.
    I agree, I’d live to hang with Mel. No drinking though, that man has some demons.

  44. ODO, HERE ARE THE ANSWERS YOU SEEK, UNGRATEFUL MOTHERFUCKER….

    ______________________________________________

    Speaking with Comic Book Movie recently, Modine opened up about the fate of his character, Foley, a Gotham Police Officer who didn’t initially stand behind Commissioner Gordon’s plot to takedown Bane or John Blake’s attempt to resurrect Batman, but later had a change of heart – **SPOILER** albeit one that comes before the siege on Gotham claims his life. In the film a quick cut leads us to believe that Modine’s character has passed, but according to leaked set photos and video, Modine was supposed to meet his end under the wheels of Talia al Ghul’s camouflage tumbler.

    When asked if he was surprised to see Foley’s death, Modine replied, “Yes. But edited movies are always a surprise. I’m hoping that the reason for this edit, which by the way was an incredible stunt and powerfully shot, is that, if there is a subsequent Batman film, Foley may not actually be dead. He found something out about himself in the streets of Gotham and he could be a worthy new Police Commissioner of the city we love.” We think Modine is being a little playful with the fanboy set, it seems pretty obvious there won’t be any further adventures, at least for Nolan’s interpretation of Batman. But it’s interesting that Nolan gave him a less flashy death than one that would’ve involved bring crushed by a tumbler.

  46. Yeah reading this article again has really just nailed home that as much as I dug Pi and Cloud Atlas, I really have lost my passion for movies since the glory of Rises basically drove home the fact that it’s probably not going to get that good again for a long while.

    Fuck.

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