Well first off let’s talk about how this is the second movie this year (after Safe House) that would’ve been a far better film if Tony Scott had made it. Certainly he would’ve picked a better cast.  The “soft” guy of the pair was actually the best actor in the whole show. As for Battleship Guy, he has about twelve lines of dialog to sink his teeth into and sorry but if that’s the best performance you can muster, fuck off.

On the Brown side, Hayek and Del Toro both deliver just above phoned-in performances.

And ohhh fuck Blake Lively…………… I gotta admit especially for a fifty year old woman she’s one of the worst actresses I’ve ever seen. I thought it was a one film fluke thing with her but man her fucking face skin looks like a Christmas turkey all glistening and shit. And that narration? BWAHAHAHHAHHAHAAA CUT OUT THE FUCKING MUMBLING DUMMY!!!!! I get it she’s a stoner but she talks like that in every film she’s in. Seriously, who’d you blow to gain entrance to Hollywood Blake and who can I blow to make you leave? Yeah this here is as naked as she gets while the guys are bare assed. Something about a “no nudity” clause. Kate Winslet doesn’t need that shit because she HAS THE FUCKING CHOPS. And lovely cottage-pie tits also, may I add.

Uhhhhhmmm yeah panties and a dress in the tub? Fuck you.

You probably know the whole story by now so I won’t bother retreading it. It’s funny though how everybody is saying this is a return to form for Stone. Ehhhhhh not for me really. Alexander was a motherfucking epic return to form, this is Stone trying to Tony Scott his way through a film and sorry, he ain’t him.

My problem with Stone is that ever since he filmed Joe Pesci pinching gold painted Tommy Lee Jones’ nipples in JFK he’s been afraid to really let the Gay out to run free and wild when at times the story clearly demands it. Alexander is an obvious case, Savages is pretty obvious also. Hayek even basically says it to Lively at some point. Shit like that adds another awesome dynamic me thinks, especially to John Carter’s character. Oh well…….

My favorite scene was probably them taking the convoy out with IEDs. Really well shot and I laughed pretty hard when John Battleship said “Praise Allah.” I also liked how all his old military buddies got into the pot trade as their employees. It’s also funny how folks are saying this is a brutally violent film. None of the kills had any gravitas at all to them and even the slaughterhouse shit is laughable compared to something like Hostel 2 which is actually meant to be semi-humorous. Del Toro doesn’t help. He never comes across as anything more than an uninteresting, half-bright, greasy thug.

Best scene in the film right here

                                         ********SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!!!**********

Now, the ending. Of course the internet is up in arms about the soft ending. More specifically the rewind after the fake “hard” ending. Because you’re NOT SUPPOSED TO DEVIATE FROM A) THE NOVEL EXCEPT DRIVE DID IT AND RUINED THE FILM AS A RESULT BUT THAT’S OKAY THE INTERNET TOOK IT’S SHAFT RIGHT DOWN TO THE FUCKING BALLS ANYWAY  B) DEATH TO THE PROTAGONISTS WHENEVER POSSIBLE IT’S WORKED SINCE THE 70’S AND IT MAKES YOU ALL HIP AND NOT TO BE FUCKED-WITH AND SHIT.

Well Stone did the right thing here. For one thing It’s nice to see them live for once and not the typical Hollywood shit where you can’t get away with a life of crime. For another that false cop-out “Butch and Sundance” bullshit ending with the morphine was one of the stupidest fucking things I’ve ever seen in a film in my life. If the movie ended there I’d have outright hated the entire thing.

Why couldn’t she wear that for the whole fucking movie?

Now after me bashing the fuck outta this film you’d think I hated it right? Well despite itself it was mostly fun and entertaining. Would I recommend it…………………….ummmmmm sure?

It’s an odd experience. You can see potential in almost every scene to be better. I wouldn’t watch it again unless Tony Scott remade it.

Oh yeah almost forgot, Travolta’s pretty good in this.

2.5 out of 5 Fists

NOW I NEED A FUCKING DRINK!!!!!!!!