Keepin’ It Professional, IAN AUSTIN Says THE AVENGERS Is ‘Half brilliant, half shit’

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Remember in Rocky IV when they had Apollo Creed doing that five minute dancing entrance while James Brown sang that patriotic song? And then Apollo was destroyed by Drago in a really brutal way, eventually dying in the ring? Remember Rocky being pained and then spending ages doing push-ups so he could fight Communism?

The Avengers is Rocky IV.

If you want spoilers, go someplace else. I’m tired of the ‘woe is me’ attitude to spoilers, given that most of the time you have to look for them which negates your position AND you shouldn’t be reading reviews/watching trailers if you’re THAT hyped for a film. Because if you’re going to see it, why bother getting that immersed in the hype machine, ya know? It’s bound to lead to disappointment when you realise the entire film is in the trailers.

Not that I’m saying it’s the case with The Avengers…

Anyway, back to the laboured point I was making.

The Rocky series is amazing at times and stupid at times, but has an odd charm to it. Rocky IV hops between awesome moments and ridiculous moments, while keeping the characters consistent and the stakes clear. Rocky losing his friends makes him angry which plays in Drago’s favour when it comes to an unsanctioned fight. The story essentially becomes ‘can Rocky win without going to the dark side?’ It’s showing that boxing is a sport, not a gladiator fight.

Which leads us into The Avengers…

THE MAGICAL RIVER DANCING MIDGET!!!

… which is the most ridiculously overblown, targeted at fanboys, monstrously stupid action film of all time in both good and bad ways.

I’m a fan of action movies. Con Air, The Rock, Die Hard, even so called ‘terrible’ movies such as Cobra and Once Upon A Time In Mexico have their own charm. The problem with The Avengers is that it’s the first flat-out action movie from Marvel Studios, and as such they’ve broken the one rule you don’t break in an action movie.

YOU DON’T MAKE IT 2.5 HRS LONG.

THE JUDAS KISS

The Avengers is too long. People have debated that, and other points, with me. The problem is they only debate my points with ‘but it’s so awesome.’ There’s nothing wrong with thinking a movie is awesome, but it’s not a statement that stands up beyond personal opinion. I thought Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was awesome, yet it’s not really enough to win a debate on artistic merit.

It’s too long and, paradoxically, there’s entire parts where NOTHING HAPPENS.

I’m sure you know those sorts of parts in movies. They’ll have characters talking for ages, or invent a contrived crisis for them to solve, and just generally throw more screen time into a movie that’s already got a minimal focus. This film drags when it should be utilising a tight structure that means nothing is left hanging in the air.

Compare it to Machete, for example. Or even The Expendables. Now, granted, in those films you can say too much was happening – but at the same time, they made sure that it all tied back round. The Avengers, hilariously, has more overwrought action (especially in the last hour) than either of those movies, choosing ‘fan boy-pleasing’ moments in the exact same cynical way that Star Wars Episode 3: Rise of the Sith did. It’s not organic writing or directing, it’s mainstream ‘how much can we blow up’ nonsense.

And I love nonsense. But it doesn’t work after FIVE FILMS with a tight focus on character.

Sure, Iron Man 2 had too much character and at times Thor had too much action – but at the same time, they worked at keeping the plots as tight as possible and ensuring a human element prevailed. The fear with The Avengers was that it’d become a sprawling mess, and that’s exactly what it has wound up as.

Yes, it’s a fun mess.

The Avengers has scenes so brilliant it makes your toes curl. And some sterling action. The only snag is that it has no-one to root for, no lead character who anchors the film. Logically that SHOULD be Captain America stepping into a leadership role, but the film half-does this the same way it half-does all the other stuff. It seems so intent on connecting the dots (while still missing some big ones) of what Marvel Studios wants, that it forgets to exist as a tightly plotted film in it’s own right.

Ya know, maybe The Avengers isn’t Rocky IV after all.

It’s the Lost S1 finale. The pay-off to excellent character work that becomes a muddled, yet infrequently entertaining, mess of a checklist that ticks off every character doing something while not really having an underlined theme, or a particularly good bad guy. We live in a world where Machete AND The Expendables have better bad guys than The Avengers.

How is that POSSIBLE?

So yeah… I’d never say The Avengers is awful. When it works, it works. It just runs for 2.5 hrs on a 1.45 hr engine, and blows itself out too soon.

So I’d go for…

3 Flame On’s out of 5!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IAN AUSTIN


 

 

Comments (29)

  2. Yeah I’m not to be trusted on this movie. I’ve become the Hulk with this. When I’m clear headed I’m like eh fuck this movie and fuck Marvel’s lame build up to it……but the comic book dork in me rages and when I see the trailer late at night or at the theaters I’m hyperventilating and vibrating with joy because this movie looks and seems so right. So I’m just gonna go ahead and take my self out of the equation. I mean, I also loved the Lost season 1 finale (show should’ve ended right there).

    I also love Spawn, great fucking movie. Some people pretend like it’s dog shit, those people are morons.

  3. Yeah, back to that Catwoman giving a shit about Bruce thing, it’s interesting…in those trailer moments, she shows more compassion and loyalty than Rachel did in either of the first films. That bitch was always like ‘Bruce! I’d love to chat boo, but I got shit to do’ and off she went. Self-serving cunt.

    • If the bitch doesn’t put out after “It’s not who I am that defines me, it’s what I do” and then leaping off a building in front of her to save the world, it’s never gonna happen. I’m glad she exploded.

    • Yeah, I really dug that moment.

      It was probably Katie’s best acting in the whole fucking thing. That “BRUCE?” moment just as our Lord dives off the rooftop with his giant uncircumcised Welsh dong flapping in the air like the tail of a kite.

  5. Screw that – let’s rant about ALL COMIC BOOK FILMS IN HERE.

    Like how Green Hornet is worse than The Avengers, and a blight on society, yet has a better structure.

  6. I’m not sure whether you jest, but…

    Having seen The Avengers, I’d say the Fantastic Four films improve dramatically. People spent years bitching about how FF wasn’t faithful to the comic and Galactus was a storm cloud ETC… but then you watch The Avengers, and you see that being ‘that’ faithful just looks ridiculous on the big screen.

    Galactus not being a giant purple CGI man would’ve looked as stupid as the majority of the last hour of The Avengers.

    They should focus on removing the goofiness for films, not adding to it. And The Avengers has far more goofy material than Fantastic Four ever did. It’s kinda amusing that Jessica Alba makes for a more convincing superhero than Black Widow and Hawkeye COMBINED!

    • Yeah, I actually really like the Fantastic Four films. The second one really hit a good stride, great chemistry between them all, and fun shit mixed with some heavy moments of peril. It still looks fucking amazing. Solid work on the surfer and nice physical effect destruction mixed with the digital. I enjoyed Galactus. I like that sort of abstract approach to ‘evil shit’. It reminds me of THE NOTHING in NeverEnding Story.

      Either FF film is better than anything in the X-Men series.

    • Well FF got that human element down. The idea that they’re just ordinary people that suddenly gain extraordinary skill and have to work together. Alternately, Avengers just feels like a bunch of fucking dickheads I’d never wanna be in a room with.

  7. Exactly.

    Whedon kept on with a ‘they don’t belong in the same room together’ argument with baffled me. The film seems so sacrifice a good villain, and instead makes The Avengers in-fighting the big threat. Which is ludicrous – because there’s never a second you think they’ll actually follow through with it.

  8. Also, Ian…you’re some English fuck…where do you stand on the ALTERNATIVELY/ALTERNATELY debate? Can EITHER be used as an adjective, coming from the Latin term for OTHER or OPPOSITE? Or you go with the ALTERNATELY = taking turns in succession, ALTERNATIVELY = a substitute?

    I don’t know why, but it feels like the two are interchangeable now.

    [Latin alternre, alternt-, from alternus, by turns, from alter, other; see al-1 in Indo-European roots.]

    n. (-nt)
    1. A person acting in the place of another; a substitute.
    2. An alternative.

    • I’M NOT PLAYING MOTHERFUCKER!!!

      To me ALTERNATELY and ALTERNATIVELY can mean the same thing….and many people ‘alternate’ between either word for the same effect. I don’t know if that’s the evolving slop of the English language or what. Some say it’s wrong, some say it’s alright.

      I prefer ALTERNATELY, it has a nicer ring. Anything ALTERNATIVE makes me have horrible visions of Cobain disengaging head from cunt. That, and that sad new Soundgarden song, which….coincidentally IS FEATURED ON THE FUCKING AVENGERS SOUNDTRACK!!!!

      It all comes full circle, like the prophecy of the Jews of old.

  9. Hah.

    I think what I’m saying is that… okay, you watch Machete and The Expendables. Neither’s approaching cinematic art. But they have bad guys who are fleshed out. Machete has the Senator, the Senators Aide, the Senators Aide’s Bodyguard, Osiris the Hitman, a bunch of Redneck border patrollers and Steven Segal. The Expendables has Eric Roberts and Steve Austin. Both those films have a main villain, and also have interestingly fucked up sub-villains.

    The Avengers just has Loki.

    Given how many Marvel supervillains there are, you’d think they could’ve thrown SOMEONE else in there. Instead we get cannon fodder. And not even interesting cannon fodder. The trick FF pulled off was that it took THEM ALL to beat Doctor Doom. The trick FF 2 pulled off was that Doctor Doom and the military were decoy villains, and they didn’t have time to focus on Galactus until the very end.

    The Avengers is the equivalent of a bunch of superheroes versus one skinny bully and his robotic toys.

    • I did appreciate that it took the entire team and all their powers to defeat Doom in Fantastic Four. There’s not much else I can say about that movie, though.

      My anticipation for Avengers has plummeted as the geek praise has amplified to a deafening crescendo.

    • That’s better than anything Favreau could do with a climax (take that any way you want).

      BUT…

      Why oh why didn’t they modulate Doom’s voice into something more intimidating than McMahon’s normal voice?? He’s Doctor Fucking Doom! His voice should make me shit myself.

      I like McMahon… I think most of the issues with the character are due to the generic script… unfortunately he took a lot of the blame for it. But at least they got the look right.

    • I own a Rocky T-shirt, all the films on DVD, went to see Rocky Balboa and pimped it as hard as I possibly could as one of the best films of the 00s.

      No Brits agree, but whatever.

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