Well fuck me if these aren’t the best two movies I’ve seen this year so far.

Both are sequels, both have inconsequential plots involving kids, and both movies have women I would suck a mile of cocks for just a chance to put the tip in. FUCK!

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Cage is directed by the guys who brought us the majesty of Crank, Crank 2, and Gamer, so chances are I’d like the shit. They are a little more restrained than usual but that’s fine. This movie, despite a lull in the action about halfway in, made my dink flex. The story revolves around……ahhhh who fucking cares? That Italian broad from The American is in it and although she doesn’t look as good here…….dammmmnnnnnnnnn she still looks fine as fuck. I’ll bet her quim tastes like Lime Gelato. Tart, but sweet enough that you’d shiv your Mom for another taste.

Underworld: Awakening My Loins is hand’s down the best of the series. This movie is all action. It’s the male actors who get the shaft in this fine production. Speedman’s double dies right off the bat. That was the first funny thing. Like what the fuck, he wouldn’t sign on for what reason exactly? His fucking career? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Then there’s the cop’s newbie partner who drops out of the movie so fast you don’t even notice ’till your takin’ a crunch two days later and it suddenly hits you.

Next up we have Wes Bentley, who was whispered about as a “next big thing” after American Creampie (whoops…Beauty) only to appear in the first Ghost Rider and this. Oh, did I mention he’s in this film for 87 seconds? I guess they wanted him for longer but he shaved his unibrow that morning and they were like, “Can’t use ya Wes, FUCK OFF!”.

So yeah you fuckers should check both of these out. Fun shit.