They were giants in their time.  They once ruled the world, archrivals locked in a bitter territorial feud, and other would-be titans who dared encroaching would be devoured.  They are Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, and we have the B-movie makers at The Asylum to thank for bringing the former teen idols together in the intentionally horrific farce Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.

Gibson starred with Lorenzo Lamas in Megashark vs. Giant Octopus in 2009 and her attractive blonde scientist was actually one of that picture’s strengths.  Tiffany appeared in Mega Piranha—an Asylum take on the success of the bigger-budget goof Piranha 3-D.  Now the aging vocal vixens have united—with handsome Latino character actor A. Martinez and the SyFy channel—to battle oversized snakes and crocodiles in the Florida Everglades.

Gibson plays Dr. Nikki Riley, a well-intentioned ecologist who breaks into redneck homes to kidnap—then liberate—pythons, anacondas, and boa constrictors.  She’s a hippy-minded right-winger looking to help balance the fragile ecosystem by freeing the exotic pets, even if it means resorting to burglary.

Nikki’s quest puts her at odds with Park Ranger Terry O’Hara (Tiffany), who is concerned with the swampland’s dwindling gator population. Terry consults Indian herpetologist Diego (Martinez) about the matter, but then decides his counsel isn’t necessary after scoring some untested muscle-enhancing growth hormone serum at a government laboratory.  Terry is chagrined by the death of her fiancée—who was killed by a giant serpent—and wants to give the crocs an edge.  So she injects a bunch of frozen chicken carcasses with the serum and tosses them into the water, where several hungry gators gather for the free meal.

The serum causes the gators to Hulk-out over the next six months.  They quadruple in size and start taking out the snakes overrunning the Everglades.  But they also lay giant mutated eggs, which some of the snakes devour, causing them to Hulk-out as well.  Soon the sticks are teeming with gigantic reptiles.  Ranger Terry—who previously refused to grant croc-hunting permits—invites a bunch of good old boys to start hunting snakes instead.  Meanwhile, she dismisses warnings from Diego about the (literally) growing danger posed by the crocs because she’s got an important fundraising event on schedule for her estuary.

Nikki and her coconspirators investigate the animals-gone-wild phenomenon and learn via hidden video surveillance that Terry intentionally drugged the creatures to enormity.  She confronts the red-headed ranger, resulting in a hilarious verbal spat wherein the singers get to call each other “bitch.”  A final showdown finds the lasses clad in their best fundraising formalwear—but engaging in a no-holds-barred catfight that ruins the gala event.  The marauding animals storm the party, chomping the wealthy attendees and their entertainment (hey, hey—it’s a Monkee!)  Diego dodges the vicious creatures, but neither Terry’s deputies nor Nikki’s lab partners are so lucky.  The women themselves are spared because their brawl takes them out of harm’s way.

“I think we’re alone now,” Gibson tells Tiffany—who sang a cover of the old hit.  “There doesn’t seem to be anyone around.”

Diego manages to get the soaking-wet sirens to strike a truce, since the pythons and gators have now made their way to the city.  The massive monsters lay siege to suburban Miami, gorging themselves on passenger trains and freeway traffic.  Some of them wrestle, demolishing a local mall, and—in a scene rivaling the hilarious shark attack-on-jet plane from Megashark vs. Giant Octopus—one of the serpents plucks a blimp right out of the sky.  Diego enlists Nikki and Terry to help draw the beasts back to the estuary using synthetic pheromones.  So they leak the stuff from a helicopter and a van, making a sex-hormone vapor trail back into the wild.  The foolish humans reason they can blow up the beasts once they all return.  Naturally, nothing goes as planned—but what fun would it be for audiences if such schemes did work the first time, every time?

The CGI snake and gator effects are laughably bad, and some of them are simply multiplied or used repeatedly (apparently to cut costs).  The gore, including severed limbs and heads as well as numerous animal carcasses, is over-the-top.  The acting is pedestrian, but the principals have fun with it.  A. Martinez is the sole player with any conviction—although we’re sure he must have wondered what the hell he was doing in such a debacle.  It’s amazing he doesn’t break the fourth wall even once to offer the camera a knowing wink or smile.

Gibson looks fetching with her face dolled up and her blonde hair straightened.  Because of Nikki’s hippy-chick mentality and fashion sense, Gibson appears in tight jeans, halter tops, and easy-access summer dresses.  We’re given at least one gratuitous shot of the “Only in My Dreams” singer bending over the hood of a stalled truck.  She looks a little thin, though.  And her bosom is dwarfed by her costar’s; Tiffany’s cleavage is displayed prominently, her buxomness heaving beneath her ranger shirt and evening dress.   The redhead is a little chunky these days, but still cute and charming in her own way.

Fanboys would have gone insane had the singer-actresses shared a kiss or two (with Martinez or each other).  Asylum clearly meant for the film to be an absolute lark.  They succeeded.