Abominable Snowcone
The TRANSFORMERS movies are like high-end Christmas toys that come bristling with all kinds of lights, bells, and whistles—but whose shoddy construction ensures they won’t make it past the holidays without being broken. These movies are boisterous and bright—admittedly very cool to look at and listen to at times. But TRANSFORMERS is never a memorable movie experience because the movies are, well, hollow and cheap—like trinkets from a Taiwanese sweat shop. It’s like getting a decent hand job under the bleachers in high school when you know you’ll have a much better time the following weekend, in your friend’s parents’ bedroom, with some chick you’ll meet at the party he throws when his folks are out of town.
If Michael Bay (THE ROCK, ARMAGEDDON) ever met the person who suggested “less is more,” the TRANSFORMERS director would probably shove a grenade in his mouth. For Bay, if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing with lots of C-4 and a shot of cleavage (or a dick joke).
Bay’s M.O. hasn’t changed for TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON. Now three films deep in the science-fiction franchise based on the Marvel Comic (which, like G.I. JOE, was based on the Hasbro toys) everything’s noisier and more volatile then ever. Token army tough guy Lennox (Josh Duhamel) still has a funny chicken-hawk haircut. More historic landmarks are ruined, Roland Emmerich-style—only they’re in Washington, D.C. instead of Giza, Egypt. A climactic battle royal decimates downtown Chicago, with Sears / Willis Tower becoming ground zero for a showdown between Autobots, Decepticons, and their human sympathizers. The Michigan Mile is mauled and Navy Pier is plundered.
We can only hope Oprah didn’t survive.
The Autobots—led by noble Optimus Prime’s (Peter Cullen) click Peterbilt 379 truck—have spent the last couple years helping the “good” governments of Earth keep the peace. His human friend, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), is now a job-hunting college grad with a new trophy girlfriend, Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whitley). Sam could probably command $100,000 a pop at speaking engagements if he were allowed to discuss how he helped the Autobots save the planet. Twice. But he’s not. And it rankles his gaskets. It doesn’t help that his precocious parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White) are visiting the Windy City in their pimped-out RV (no, it’s not a Transformer). So Sam busies himself keeping tabs on snooty Carly, whose auto-aficionado boss (Patrick Dempsey) has his eye on her—and his mind on the coming robot war. Carly is as unlikeable as Megan Fox’s Mikeala. You don’t once get the impression she cares for Sam, even if she insists she does. Plus, you can’t trust a chick who is able to down Michigan Avenue in high heels during a robot apocalypse without so much as staining her dress.
The makeshift story here derives from a forty-year old NASA scheme: We learn the 1969 lunar landing was orchestrated in response to a crash-landing on the moon eight years prior. The derelict Autobot vessel on the moon’s shadow side holds the key to an incredible new power—a magical green ring that, er…I mean, a series of pillars that would allow the Decepticons to teleport Cybertron to Earth, where they’ll enslave humans to rebuild the robot world. It’s nasty technology; heaven forbid the dastardly Megatron (Hugo Weaving) and his pals get hold of it. Fortunately (or perhaps not), only the pillars’ comatose keeper, Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy) can operate them. Optimus is briefed on all of this by Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin himself. The film also has a few of those FOREST GUMP-like archival snippets of Kennedy and Nixon talking about the space program, and the import of landing on the fucking moon before anyone else. Even if giant evil robots lay interred up there.
Megatron—who rode shotgun to the villainous “Fallen” last time out—gets short shrift again. Cyclopian Shockwave is the “cool” Decepticon here, what with his enormous mechanical DUNE-worm boring through skyscrapers. Another bodacious baddie—Soundwave (a Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG)—dispatches a murderous Pterodactyl called Laserbeak.
John Turturro returns as Sector 7 doofus-genius Seymour Simmons. He and John Malkovich (Sam’s high-strung, color-conscious boss) are charged with carrying the humor. And they succeed, but you still wonder just what the fuck John Malkovich is doing here to begin with. Does he have grandchildren who put him up to this? Hip-hop Autobots Skids and Mudflap are mercifully replaced by Wheelie and Brains—a pair of pint-size robot refugees living in Sam’s apartment who bring laughs without pandering to stereotypes as much as the robot rappers did. Ken Jeong (THE HANGOVER) cameos as a conspiracy theorist who informs Sam of the moon-shot plot.
The vehicle chases, robot fights, and urban combat sequences are still a marvel of digital choreography—with pivotal moments rendered in gorgeous slow motion—but so little of the action bolsters the flimsy narrative. In a terrific freeway chase midway through, Bumblebee—in his Chevy Camaro disguise—ejects Sam to trade blows with a robot pursuer—then morphs back into a car seconds later without dropping his mortified passenger. Later, Sam and co. slide down the glass exterior of a toppling building, only to plummet back inside the structure through some broken windows and continue their downward descent along the floor in the opposite direction. The franchise needs more original set pieces and visual gags like these. But even the most dazzling stunts won’t amount to much if the story behind them is shit. Bay tries too late in the game to make us care more than we do about the Autobots by having a couple of them captured and executed by the bad guys. But naturally Prime saves the day before the one Autobot prisoner we recognize gets blasted.
Steve Jablonsky’s deafening score is often too bombastic for the corresponding images, a mismatch that enhances the feeling you’ve already been here before. Twice. Like, okay, here’s the Autobots tooling down the highway in car form—BADABADAHBAHM!! This may be the funniest TRANSFORMERS film. But at 150 minutes, it’s also the most taxing. So much doesn’t make sense here, not least of which being why Secretary of Defense Charlotte Mearing (Frances McDormand) doesn’t simply nuke Chicago when events there threaten to obliterate all of humanity. Doing so would also serve to kill Oprah Winfrey, who has already caused a great deal of damage to our culture.
Go check this at a matinee or wait for the DVD. It may be the best TRANNY movie where action is concerned, but it’s just more déjà vu where the microchip-thin plot is concerned.
I refuse to see this after being suckered into to watching the Transformers 2 DVD. That was one big giant transforming turd. You won’t fool me again. I don’t need to see giant jet robots farting parachutes.
My short but sweet analysis of the film having just walked out of it……..
TRANS3 LIVES UP TO HYPE.
SURPASSES HYPE.
BAY POURS MOLTEN AUTOBOT METAL UP FANBOY ASS.
FIVE GLORIOUS FISTS
Really, c’mon. I mean after the Turdformers 2 he gets it right?
Fuck man…shit sounds tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I mean– I enjoy Abom’s write-ups but the fucking guy didn’t even squirt wad on his own shirt during BATTLE: LA, so you gotta questions his fucking agenda….
I’m seeing it tomorrow some time, just gotta find a willing (and able) bitch to come with. Anyone know of prospective trout sashaying around my hatchery? Gimme a call… (702) 385-1800
I’m glad stunt liked it. I gave it 2 fists for the action, which is quite good, but damn…it’s like walking into a bar in the middle of a brawl. It’s like, wow–but what’s this shit about? It felt like I was watching the first one over again, what with the battle in the city at the end. #AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
There was a moment during that freeway chase with the three black cop Suburban deceptacons where I said to myself “This is absolutely fucking amazing” They kept the shitty family stuff to bare minimum as well as the light tone.
I saw it in 2D so I have no idea how the 3D looks but the CGI was damn near perfect.
And I swear to God at some point I heard a blatant rip of Mind Heist in there.
The 60’s precredit shit was awesome.
And it was nice to see Optimus finally grow some balls.
I went along for the ride from the git go and I was extremely entertained.
Good job Michael Bay, nice to see you still have a little Bad Boys vibe in you after those last 2 super shitty Tranny movies.
Just got out…..JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!! I mean….FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Filmmakers constantly throw out these ridiculous claims that they’re delivering shit you’ve never seen and it’ll blow your mind, bla bla bla….this was one of the few times in a long time, a film actually lived up to those claims. The visceral overload did indeed blow my fucking mind with shit I’ve never seen. It doesn’t even really feel like a film in the normal sense, its one of the few big blockbusters that actually feels like a ride. That last hour man, its no exaggeration….its fucking shockingly well staged. Somehow he made a solid hour outta the cream of trailer money-shots. NO FUCKING FAT. Its the closest a film will probably ever come to representing my ‘TRAILER AS PURE ART’ theory, where the true visceral experience of film is best defined by the emotional punch of a trailer. I didn’t think it was possible to stretch that to feature length, but Bay delivered. It even has oddly trailer-like editing during build-ups and scene transitions. It cuts to black several times on the SLAMS in the score! I fucking dug the approach. Its the perfect showcase for iconic action, playing out like a fucking insane demo-reel. I mean, I understand why people would bitch about it. Its not just some traditionally structured action film. Its bizarre. Very episodic and video-game like. Almost like a sizzle-reel. Like you’re looking at the best action pieces of a longer film, all strung together…..until you realize this motherfuckers almost 3 hours long.
I will say it opens a bit rough, not the moon prologue– that’s solid, I mean the half hour or so that follows. Someone needs to make a fucking phantom edit. Completely cut Malkovich, the parents, and that grotesquely unfunny little asian fuck. Surprisingly, shit doesn’t start bangin’ until Turturro shows up. Also….the new bitch is pretty much dogshit. Her acting as well as her face. I mean, Shia sold the relationship– but it would’ve worked better if Megan was back. The relationship and heavy emotion would’ve felt a lot more deserved.
The score is fucking excellent. Shit was slammin’ at all the right moments. Jodorcocksy or whatever did totally rip off Mind Heist and Dark Knight/Joker cues….but it works well. Surprisingly they never use the Scorponok theme.
I can sorta see the frustration with it. Its not a perfect film. There’s a lot of eye-rolling comedic shit early, none of which involves the bots. With about 30 minutes trimmed off it, it could’ve been near perfect. Still though, that last FUCKING hour….the only other climax I can think of that still rivals it is fucking Temple of Doom.
In summation:
Fuck the Asian
Fuck the dog-faced new girlfriend
Fuck Malkovich
Fuck the parents
Fuck Buzz Aldrin
Fuck Alan Tudyk
Fuck yeah Shia….he sells every moment
Fuck yeah Bumblebee tragedy…..weakened on his knees, always a great build to a cock-spurting comeuppance
Fuck yeah Tyrese….lookin’ like he just rolled straight outta Fast Five
Fuck yeah Tyrese’s homeboys that cruise down to Chicago just to help Shia find his bitch
Fuck yeah to the Loverboy
Fuck yeah Frances McDormand….highly fuckable as beat down post-date-rape Hillary Clinton
Fuck yeah to those mini-robot smartasses, far more entertaining than the aforementioned ‘asian twat’
Fuck yeah flying squirrel
Fuck yeah CG – not a single bad shot
Fuck yeah Jablonsky
Fuck yeah Bay
Fuck yeah Optimus and that spear-to-the-clit tracking shot where he shreds what feels like 50 Decepticon cunts
And most importantly, the message I was left with in the end….FUCK YEAH AMERICA.
4.5 fists for me….
And Bay should’ve directed Green Lantern.
My two favorite lines………..’
“WHY DO THE DECEPTACONS ALWAYS GET THE GOOD SHIT?!”
“THIS IS GROUND ZERO”
And the Bay shot with the American flag at the end.
Going again tonight.
I already have tickets for Sunday….last night someone had an extra ticket and invited me. I said FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK, in slow motion over the phone.
There were a ton of funny lines. A surprising amount of the comedy worked. Everything Tyrese, his fucking bug-eyed chubby sidekick lookin’ like Robin Harris, most of the mini-smart-ass-bots, and most of Shia. I loved him kicking the shit out of his Datsun engine and screaming like a bitch when Bumblee transforms with him inside, lays a Decepticon the fuck out, catches Shia, then transforms back. Epic moment.
Biggest applause was: THAT’S MY CAR!!!!
Oh, and I didn’t see PART 2. You don’t need to for this. They use these magical pillar teleportation things and mention a Matrix of some shit I assume you learned about in the second film. But fuck it….you don’t need it.
Dannyboy, consider yourself blessed not to have seen Tranny2. So you and Stunt say this is amazing. You know I respect you guys, but I still have my doubts. You would too if you got scammed the second time.