SCRANTON PA – Authorities in Pennsylvania have arrested a 27 year old woman for reportedly smuggling over 100 items (including 54 bags of heroin and over $50 in loose change) in her fetid womb. Police say Karin Mackaliunas was arrested after a break-in at a Scranton Holiday Inn and struggled while being put into the squad car.  Upon doing so, she began to leak change from her ‘gasm chasm like a slot machine. Police also found 3 heroin ampules in her jacket and a bottle of amphetamines.  In shock from her arrest, the suspect admitted she was carrying additional illicit items in her person.  She was rushed to a medical facility where the remainder of the 100 items was removed from her gaping freak-like crotchmaw.

Medical professionals at Mercy Hospital in Scranton were baffled by the sheer volume of objects she was able to tuck in her guapo.

“OK…this shit’s going on my wall!” stated Dr. Heim Rosenkraut, Mercy Hospital’s chief of medicine.

Drug mules are not an uncommon site in the United States…though typically, they’re found in cities like El Paso and Tucson with better proximity to Mexico.  The 2004 film “Maria Full of Grace” dramatized the phenomena by depicting a Columbian woman’s struggles to avoid arrest and execution while shitting out festive blue balloons filled with highly sought China White.

Scranton police admit being stunned that a local woman could ever fit so much in her cat-flaps.

“This one’s a real find”, explains Sheriff Joe Cromarty of SCPD.  “Normally girls ’round here are real tight like.  But you shoulda seen the meat muffler on this one…you could’ve fit a Hyundai in there”.