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1. 

   I brim with pride at the brethren of Professionals who hath borne the torches of truth and continue to prosper against the global flood tide of amateurism. This is the way.

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2. 

   Bale Paints Towns Red–Across Two Continents

   GENEVA, Alabama and STUTTGART, Germ. (AP and wire reports) Authorities were working Wednesday to learn why actor Christopher Bale set off on a rampage of at least thirty-nine slayings across two rural Alabama counties. Shocked, grieving residents hoped the answers weren’t lost when the assailant disappeared on a stolen bulldozer–only to reappear, insist witnesses, on the scene of a school shooting in Germany.

   “All these folks apparently got in Bale’s way,” one police official said. “He was taking a minor respite on the beach when a few townspeople obstructed his sight line.”

   Tuesday’s shootings in a mostly rural area near the Florida border were believed to be the work of handsome Welsh actor Christian Bale, who notoriously beat his mother once and dropped 50 pounds to play a guilt-ridden factor worker in “The Machinist.”

   The bloodbath commenced when Bale burned down several houses in Kinston, Coffee County, Coroner Michael Preston said. Authorities found charred bodies inside, but have not yet confirmed whether they were victims of the “Dark Knight” actor’s spree.

   Bale then commandeered an idle bulldozer from a construction site and drove a dozen miles southeast to Samson, in Geneva County, where he claimed nine victims. The rampage continued another 12 miles east in Geneva at a steel foundry. After a shootout with police, Bale inexplicably vanished.

   Investigators declined to comment on a motive for the shootings, in which at least fourteen other people were injured. The victims’ names have not been released.

   “He gave the town an enema,” Preston said. “We don’t know what triggered it, beyond his scene being trashed. When it comes to Bale, speculation is always a mistake. So we haven’t bothered cooking up any theories. The families of the victims were initially distraught, but when we informed them that the killer was Christian Bale, their anguish was mitigated.”

   Samson Mayor Carl Klingon said he’d been watching Bale’s films all his life but could not say what triggered the shootings.

   “If you would have asked me two days ago if he was capable of this, I would have said ‘you better believe it,’” Klingon told NBC reporters. “But we had no idea he’d unleash his professionalism on our humble little community. By God, it was awesome.”

   Five people were killed on a porch in Samson, along with a 74-year-old woman next door, said Adam Briggs, district attorney for Geneva and Dale counties. Four of the six killed happened to be Bale fans. A 4-month-old girl was the only survivor from the porch and was being treated at a Florida hospital.

   “We’re guessing Bale thought the child was cute,” Preston surmised. “When it comes to survivors, people tend to think, ‘Oh they’re lucky, they didn’t die from their wounds.’ But I’m here to tell you that if Christian Bale wanted someone dead, they’d be dead.”

   “He sprayed bullets through the town,” Briggs said. “One guy told me it was like watching a tornado of gunfire. He said Bale was doing somersaults and flips, and that when he ran out of ammunition, fresh magazines popped right out of his sleeves.”

   One woman was struck down as she walked out of a gas station. Another man was waiting for a bus. Another man was shot as he tried to run away.

   “That was a good one,” Briggs said. “That dude saw what was going on and took off. But Bale brought him down a good hundred yards away. Right in the back of the neck. I’m sure people would have cheered if they weren’t busy bleeding to death on the sidewalks.”

   Samson contractor Mark Brezinski said he was pumping fuel at the gas station when Bale roared into the parking lot and slammed on his brakes.

   “I first thought it was somebody playing,” Brezinski said. “I mean, he was driving a bulldozer. Then I saw the twin Beretta 92Rs in his hands. He must not have seen me. If he had, I’m sure I wouldn’t be here talking to you. They’d be scraping my gore off the pavement with a shovel.”

   Bale opened fire, killing the woman who walked outside and wounding a pair of nuns with bullet fragments that struck their church van and the pump. At one point the Berettas appeared to jam, then Bale flicked his wrists and fired more shots before tooling off again on the dozer.

   “I’m just in awe that something like this could take place. That someone could dispatch so many people so quickly. It’s just shocking,” Brezinski said. “But now that I know it was Christian Bale, I’m like ‘yeah…yeah—Bale could do that easy.’”

   Police pursued the star of “Terminator:Salvation” to Geneva’s Reliable Metal Products, where he dismounted from the bulldozer and fired at officers, killing nine—including Police Chief Wilfred Teasle. He then ventured inside, where he apparently bought a sandwich from a vending machine and ate it before resuming his onslaught.

   “He had plenty of ammo and other weapons and he appeared to be going to do some damage there,” Briggs said. “The most remarkable thing was, the police couldn’t draw a bead on him. It’s like Bale knew precisely where to shoot his guns while simultaneously knowing where not to be in order to avoid getting hit by return fire.”

   “It was so beautiful, I started weeping,” he added.

   State Rep. Tom Warren, a Tetragrammaton whose office is near the Geneva Wal-Mart, said his secretary heard gunfire everywhere. Warren told reporters that Missy Hildebrand, 23, drew her blinds and spotted the indescribably good-looking actor pirouetting across the lot with a pair of handguns.

   “She’d have called the police sooner, but she stopped to masturbate at her desk,” Warren said. “I don’t blame her.”

   One of the spots sprayed with bullets was a hardware store in Samson. Yellow tape was strung across glass windows shattered by at least five bullets. A “closed” sign was on the ground outside atop glass shards. A poster board hanging in the sole remaining window now reads TRASHED BY BALE—HALLELUJAH boldface black marker.

   Rick Mulgrew, a 76-year-old security guard who works at the same plant where Bale took a lunch break, said he and his wife were on the street nearby.

   “We could have been caught up in it just as well as anyone else,” he said. “That’s what scares you: to be an innocent bystander and Christian Bale comes dancing in with guns a blazing. It was like the Fourth of July, so hypnotic to watch. I couldn’t decide whether to watch the guns flickering, or blood spattering across the bricks. It was like Jackson Pollack, only it was blood and not paint.”

   Meanwhile, witnesses at a school in Germany insist it was Bale who shot up their campus yesterday afternoon. Police shot and killed a teenage boy they believed responsible for the massacre in Stuttgart, but others remain convinced the black-clad shooter they saw was none other than the man who made “3:10 to Yuma” sizzle with excitement.

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