Enough fucking bullshit, let us begin…

 

BASEMENT CHEETOH EATER

 

#1 THE GREY

When people call this “Jaws with Wolves”, it does the movie a serious disservice.  While wolves do appear (and dispatch plane crash survivors with salivating gusto), the movie isn’t about wolves at all.  At its core, the movie is a metaphor:  the entirety of the film is really about man’s reckoning with his fate…and how, at the very end of things, we choose who we are.  This may well be Liam Neeson’s best acting of his career (or, at worst, easily on par with the highly overrated Schindler’s List) and even the supporting cast make a powerful statement.  This is a movie for men – at its purest and most defined.  Who are we? Are we defined by our choices or slaves to the machinations of fate?  And because the film is really a tragic metaphorical poem (rather than an adventure movie), you could even make a case that none of it happens.  I could easily believe that Liam’s professional hunter is merely hallucinating as he lies dying in the snow – inexorably accepting his fate and standing against it as only a man can.  Just a great movie that didn’t get enough acclaim and will probably be fucked by the Academy come awards time.

#2 ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER

My unexpected favorite of the year (almost tied with The Grey).  This one completely caught me off guard.  I’ve seen most of “The Mad Russian’s” shit (Nightwatch, Daywatch, Wanted) but this movie just sounded like a dead project that wouldn’t translate to the big screen.  I can happily now say I was 100% wrong.  It translates just fine.  The genius of this version of Abe isn’t in the fight sequences (which don’t break new ground) but in the quieter moments.  The courtship of Mary Todd.  The loss of his son.  His friendships that defined him throughout his final years.  The Underground Railroad.  They’re all seamlessly integrated into an incredibly off-kilter tale about a man who finds a life purpose (killing bloodsuckers), turns away from it realizing that the nation itself is also bleeding and ultimately sees both purposes converge in an epic struggle that defined a country.  There is beauty in this film – perhaps even more than Spielberg’s snooze-fest, Bekmambetov realized that Lincoln wasn’t defined just by his speeches or stature, but by the choices he made.  And that’s where this movie proves to be a winner – it focuses on a man who made righteous choices that weren’t always politically expedient (and ignoring his oceans of self doubt and moral compromises) but forged ahead in spite of tremendous odds and overwhelming opposition.

#3 THE WOMAN IN BLACK

The best true horror yarn in years, Daniel Radcliffe successfully shrugs off his Harry Potter franchise-faggotry and does a very solid film that’s brilliant in its eerie gothic creepiness.  You have to watch this movie more than once to see all that’s going on in the background in every scene – most of which will give you the heebie jeebies.  To the true horror aficionado, elements of the wonderful Peter Straub chiller “Ghost Story” can be found (perhaps even borrowed) – with the restless spirit of a wounded soul ferociously seeking vengeance against those who abandoned her; but the movie stands on its own for abandoning the clichéd trappings of J-horror and finding its own unique voice (The Others would be the closest recent example of another film doing this successfully).  The cast is pitch perfect (Ciarin Hinds brilliant, once again) and Daniel shows some chops and ably carries this film which did far better at the box office than anyone expected.  Well worth a Halloween watch.

#4  DREDD

Sometimes a director decides to stop fucking around and just get down to business – no apologies and no remorse.  That’s what Pete Travis does with “Dredd”.  He removes the pretense of being just another “superhero” comic film; and makes one of the most mean-spirited, visually arresting and supernaturally violent films in a long time.  Dredd is utterly incomparable with the Stallone version from the 90’s.  While that film was still grounded in comic book cheesiness and “fun” (to some anyways…I hated it), this movie shares more DNA with nasty brooding Asian fare like “Hard Boiled” (or the film its most often compared to ~ Raid: The Redemption).  It’s as close as you can get to watching a FPS video game being played out – with “boss levels” and seemingly impossible odds; all of which are dealt with in the most heinous and gratuitous fashion.  And, as rookie (and psychically powered) Judge Anderson, Olivia Thirlby proves to be just as vicious as her senior partner – I cannot underline enough you don’t want this pretty little girl in your head.  The scene where a guy tries to imagine a rape scenario with Anderson to shock her results in his literally pissing and shitting himself, by the time it all plays out.  Anderson is pure predator and Dredd is a wrecking ball of justice and fury.  Entertaining, sick and morally bankrupt, this was a favorite for me in 2012.

#5 SALMON FISHING IN THE YEMEN

I struggled with deciding on a 5^th place finisher.  Honestly, there are a few films that could easily have made the # 5 spot (Cabin In The Woods, Haywire, Coriolanus, Snow White and the Huntsman most notably); so I used a simple test to decide which one would finally win out after going back and forth for the last month.  My number 5 would have to be a movie I purchased after seeing…and one I gave enough of a fuck about to do a review on it.  And that left me with “Salmon”.  If you read my review, you already know why I love this simple, uplifting and quirky tale about an Autistic journalist who specializes in fish hatchery stories (and is enlisted by a Yemeni sheik to help design and build a river in the desert so the Arab community can share in the sheik’s passion for salmon fishing).  Nothing about this movie makes sense – and that’s the fun.  The entire idea is absurd…as is Ewan MacGregor’s perfect performance as one of the most unsettling people you’d never want to spend time around.  But director Lasse Halstrom gives this movie so much heart that you wind up rooting for Ewan in the end (both for his chances at finding love with the equally broken Emily Blunt and his realization of the craziest engineering dream ever devised). Salmon Fishing In The Yemen is a beautiful movie with a great heart and a surprisingly uplifting message.

KOUTCHBOOM

 

#1 THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

No ifs, ands or butts about it, this is powerhouse masterful filmmaking at its pinnacle.  I had yet to really become a Nolan convert, The Dark Knight I didn’t fully understand until this year where I finally got to see it in IMAX. That answered a lot of questions about its majesty and while YES, that movie is fun, I’ve only seen it three times since it was released upon this earth. I saw Rises four fucking times in the theater alone, and yes I have the bluray but I hate the quick home release of movies these days.  You still remember the theater going experience too well that it ultimately only hurts anything you watch at home that shortly after. That’s what made VHS so great, they wouldn’t come out for almost a year or more after they had been in theaters and all you recalled about them was a fleeting memory of how happy the movie made you and then you got to rediscover them all over again in this different format with the theatrical experience being to far away it didn’t ruin your home viewing experience. I don’t know when I will watch Rises at home, part of me wants to shut everything off and only watch it on a loop until I die, the other part asks me to wait, so I’ve only glimpsed parts of it here and there.

I’ve always loved Batman, the solace and integrity he breathes is something I wish I could exude one ounce of within the parameters of my own life. He’s the sort of human being I wish everyone was but realize no one can be. This to me is the first Batman to really show the importance of BATMAN, the sacrifice he’s made, what he’s capable of and what he means to the world.  Every time I saw this I cried at different spots, it’s just such an overwhelming movie that honestly words escape me when talking about how it makes me feel. Every shot of the damn thing is wonderful, the pacing the action the power immense. In a year where most releases just showed up and were there and were nice and haha we enjoyed them…this thing will have lasting power and 100 years from now when we all speak Chinese and movies are implanted directly into our brain this motherfucker will still be discussed by movie dorks of the future.

#2 JACK FUCKING REACHER

God how fucking shitty did this movie look before it came out? I almost didn’t see it, now I can’t stop jamming it down everyone-I-fucking-knows throats, trying to explain just HOW GOOD IT FUCKING IS. I’m not gonna say I understand Jack Reacher, because I’ve never been trained to do shit except sit on my ass and bitch about movies, but his character….really, he’s a pacifist. He doesn’t want to end you, but if he has to he will take you to the ground. Cruise created probably the most interesting character of his career with this film and while ultimately it’s fucked up that they made this PG-13 accessible, it feels harder and less bitch-made than most R rated movies made these days. If you haven’t seen this yet, cut your fucking dick off.

#3 LIFE OF PI

I’ve always been curious about this book, I’m a mild reader. It takes me longer than it should for someone of my age to read a book so I never got around to reading it, but it’s the thought that counts, as mom always said. Ang Lee has always been a curious director to me. I realized that this is the first movie of his I actually saw in theaters (I saw Hulk in theaters but it was in the Caribbean and I was drunk and fell asleep 10 minutes into it). I took forever to see Crouching Tiger, but I was floored when I finally did. It’s probably the only wushu movie I’ve truly dug and outside of that The Ice Storm is his only other work that stuck with me. But man the trailers for this thing looked like a visual wonder, and like I said, I’m not an avid reader so visuals are important to me.  Luckily, this had a deeper meaning behind it, it’s a movie about religion but not any particular religion. It’s about the religion of oneself and coming to grips with just how you see life and what matters to you and what makes you rise every day.  There’s just something about men adrift at sea that brings the ultimate manliness, maybe it’s the despair and hardship and seclusion of it. This is powerful from all fronts, and it’s a cool kids movie, something you will have seen as a 10 year old that may shape you in ways you will never fully understand until you are 55 and you watch it again. It asks you to just question life, but never let your questions stop your momentum to live. Powerful powerful stuff, amazing that they gave Ang the sort of budget and support he got to bring this marvel of a tale to life, this movie could probably be watched on silent and still be as impactful.

#4 WRATH OF THE TITANS

Did I just say how important images were to me? Well here’s proof, while I dug the Hobbit, it’s fun but jesus I can never see myself relating to that movie on a personal level it’s an oddity/curiosity I may never understand the lure of but I am happy for the people that find that outlet. I’ve seen Wrath called ‘the worst movie of the year’ on lesser sites? I guess these guys made their lists before they saw Argo? While there has been a mild revisionist movement on Clash, ever since the slobs got over the shitty 3D showing they saw for free (something I feel will happen with top-tenner Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, in the years to come), I caught it again at home recently and found it to be a fun romp.  But it’s hard to compare the two. In some instances Wrath is almost a beat-for-beat remake of Clash, there is little evolution from the initial plot/idea. Similar events happen and similar monsters are killed in a similar manner.  But man I just dug the fuck out of this thing. It’s down and dirty and raw and the CGI monsters are amazing (god compare the monsters in this movie to that Jack The Giant Killer thing that’s been coming out for the past 3 years).  This movie came out of nowhere really, I mean we knew Clash made enough to make a sequel but jesus did Lesbian fucking direct this and Battle: LA at the same time?

This is just a fun fucking movie. A man’s movie. I figure most people who don’t feel the intrinsic manliness steaming off this thing are probably too fucking man-child to ever truly get it. I love Greek mythology, and I’ve never seen it told with such a graceful-swings-from-a-large-set-of-brass-balls manner. This has been a year about redefining what it means to be a man (sorry women, like every other year in film, you get fucked….blame that Zero Dark Thirty bitch) and this movie is the cornerstone of that philosophy.

#5 THE COLLECTION

I honestly didn’t see shit in terms of indie/small films this year. Thank god. Maybe we are done with those fucking things for good and the only movies that pass before my eyeballs at theaters from here on in will be pure spectacle. But I do love small films ( I have Burning Man to watch, maybe had I seen that it would’ve made the list). I love the air of superiority smaller films can make any dweeb feel when they’ve seen them and explain to someone how much better and GRANDER and important the fucking Turin Horse is than Avengers…good for you. Though this year, nothing small really caught my attention. Nothing I felt strongly enough to seek out and make an effort to find….except….THE COLLECTION. As my biggest fans will recall, I was a die-hard fan of The Collector. I loved the fuck out of that film. I saw it back in aught nine, in a packed theater of ONE….and the legend continues. I saw The Collection on the last possible day I could to, yep that’s right…once again, in a theater of one.  To get the blood pumping again I did rent The Collector mere days before seeing The Collection and fuck me if that shit didn’t play just as good at home the second time. It’s violent as FUCK maybe the most evil and mean movie as a whole as I’ve ever seen, but that great Rises actor Josh Stewart’s bad-guy-turned-good situation still felt so fresh and interesting.  Also the style of the damn thing makes it maybe the most stylish gory movie ever made, it doesn’t glorify the gore…you feel it and it’s painful but it’s not all about show.

Now, The Collection….god I had a blast in that theater by myself. I was hootin’ and hollerin’ like an asshole, WHO CARED IF I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE???! Now I may have gotten a little too drunk beforehand because by about halfway I was fucking blitzed and can’t fully recall the second half of the movie, I just remember it was probably the funniest movie going experience I had all year. I wasn’t black out drunk so don’t give me that shit, I was just over my limit but I remember the credits and some other shit. It was tons of fun.

Honorable Mention:  The Hunger Games

ABOMINABLE SNOWCONE

 

#1 THE GREY

Liam Neeson wins Man of the Year in my book. He returned as ex-CIA dad Brian Mills in TAKEN 2, popped up in a DARK KNIGHT RISES flashback, and reprised his role as Zeus in WRATH OF THE TITANS. Then there was this zinger, which feels like it came out ages ago but was actually released in January 2012. Neeson is John Ottway, a sharpshooter working for some major oil concern in Nowheresville, Alaska—and whose emotional problems run deeper than director Joe Carnahan lets on at first. A plane crash dumps Ottway and a gaggle of other “felons and assholes” in the cold, unforgiving wild without any means of communication. When a resident wolf pack threatens the interlopers, Ottway and company must hoof it through the elements or die. If the plane crash didn’t kill you, the wolves still might. Then there’s hypoxia, hypothermia, starvation, and drowning. Fun stuff. Very existential. Any movie that starts with the hero sucking on a gun and ends with him lashing knives and broken bottles to his fists so he can PUNCH WOLVES more effectively fuckin’ rules.

#2 THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

We couldn’t have asked for a more solid conclusion to Chris Nolan’s Batman trilogy, which reinvented the DC Comics character for today’s cynical / mature crowd. Christian Bale returns as Bruce Wayne, who’s been in hiding for most of the eight years following the events of THE DARK KNIGHT. But the arrival of mercenary Bane nudges Bruce out of retirement and back into the cowl for a battle he may not survive. Nolan (and brother Jonathan) pace this thing just right. Plot holes? Maybe a couple if you bother hunting, but all in all it looks—and feels—great onscreen. One gets a sense of the “greater good” after watching this film. You know, that whole Spock-Zen bit about the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few. Great turns from everyone involved: Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, Tom Hardy, even Anne Hathaway.

#3 SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED

I’ll admit this one’s almost too cute for its own good. But I really enjoyed Mark Duplass’ little indie rom-com with a time travel twist. Aubrey Plaza is terrific as Darius, a sad sack intern who accompanies jaded magazine reporter Jake Johnson on a trip to investigate the mystery man behind a fascinating classified ad. It’s no surprise when Darius hooks up with kooky Kenneth, but just about everything after is.

#4 MOONRISE KINGDOM

Not my favorite Wes Anderson movie. But for me Wes Anderson movies are like pizzas. They’re never bad; they’re just varying degrees of good. Instead of focusing on more adult misfits (ROYAL TENENBAUMS, DARJEELING LIMITED) or animals (FANTASTIC MR. FOX) the King of Quirk sets his sights on kids. The story follows the parallel—and intersecting—paths of a geeky boy scout and a brooding girl on an island in New England circa 1965. Bill Murray, Edward Norton, Frances McDormand, and Bruce Willis are the adults / parents with credible “big people” problems. And hey, the narrator is Bob Balaban—the guy who helped program HAL-9000 and get Roy Neery on a spaceship!

#5 SKYFALL

The twenty-third James Bond film is a flawed gem. Director Sam Mendes does so many good things during the first act, from “killing” 007 and setting up his “resurrection” to subjecting Dame Judy Dench to the terrorism of Javier Bardem’s phantom menace. He also wraps things up nicely, bringing gadget-man (okay, quartermaster) Q and secretary Moneypenny back to MI6. But the midsection is sluggish and derivative and the ending anticlimactic; Daniel Craig’s super-agent lets himself be tracked to his Scottish estate, where he plays HOME ALONE with Bardem’s baddies. There’s a lot of firsts here for the 007 canon. Moneypenny is an African-American hottie who at least makes a go at field work, and Q is a young hipster computer genius. Bardem’s villain is as gay as he is gruesome—but he’s underused. Can you even remember his name at this point? His entrance is grand, but it doesn’t occur until the seventy-minute mark.

DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

 

#1 CLOUD ATLAS

Coming out of The Dark Knight Rises with a blistering hard-on that lasted for 8 solid days, I thought it impossible for anything to knock it from the top…but then came CLOUD ATLAS, truly the most ambitious large-budget film ever made. There’s so much fucking shit going on, with tones, styles, and performances all over the place, it shouldn’t work…but it does. It works fucking marvelously.  The threads weave together seamlessly, creating an immersive, truly monumental experience. Everything pays off in the end. You realize the most mundane details were there for a purpose, hinting at something bigger, something important. And that’s the greatest takeaway I got from it,  it’s an important film. One that not only poses the big questions, but one that leads us onto the path to answer them. It’s really a love-letter to the human experience; shining a light on why we’re here, what consequences our actions have, and how that is all shaped and informed by love or the absence of it…truly the greatest legacy we leave behind. And it’s not all sugary shit. Cloud Atlas pulls no punches. It portrays the world as a dangerous, vile place, one where oppression wreaks havoc on good people and a choice must be made, whether to sit back and accept ones fate, or do something to make a difference; no matter how seemingly insignificant, the choices we make trickle down through the generations. We are the architects of our own fate. It’s not religion or government, it’s us….the human race. A mind-bending fucking film I spent days discussing and masturbating over. The Wachowski Starship slide big fucking philosophical notions under the facade of slick populist entertainment and you’re left with something thought provoking and unforgettable. After the third viewing I was certain, not only did this take the top spot for the year, it also took a prominent seat on my all-time Top 10. Hugh Grant 4EVER!!!!!!!

#2 THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

Yeah, you know the story….a superb close to one of the greatest motion picture trilogies ever made. Nolan at his finest, playing with a gigantic fucking canvas, throwing everything at us he’s got.  This is a film that reminds us there is no substitute for the theatrical experience. The scale is vast, the symbolism universal….a true epic in every sense of the word,  built on the shaft of probably the only performer of our age graced with balls big enough to support the foundation….CHRISTIAN BALE. The most amazing thing about this fucking series is the fact that every film got better, and Nolan single-handedly destroyed the comic book genre. Never again will comic films be this grand, this timeless, this emotionally potent…well, maybe never again until Man of Fucking Steel, we’ll see.

#3 LIFE OF PI

As the year wore on, I was intrigued to find similarities in so many of my top picks.  Maybe it’s what I needed most at this point in my life, but I found it to be a banner year for hard-hitting spiritual films that almost transcend cinema.  I can pull similar themes from many of my favorites, with Cloud and Pi being the two closest bedfellows. Both of them deal heavily with the power of storytelling, and the way in which the mythology of the human struggle is what leads us to create some kind of belief system…or religion, if you will.  The interesting thing about Life of Pi is how generous of a film it is, putting the power in the hands of the individual to decide what they wish to take from it.  Now you can argue every film does this, but Pi takes it one step further. In the powerful close, Pi himself leaves it up to The Writer (you) to decide what he wants to take from his story. Is it simply a tale of a boy and a tiger stranded on a lifeboat together or is it something more?  Some see this as a powerfully religious film, highlighting that in his darkest moments of despair, Pi turned to God, and God was there to answer, to push him forward and give him hope.  And others, see it as a film that puts the power in the individual. It wasn’t religion that allowed him to overcome the brutality and the struggle, it was the power within himself. Something that was always there, bubbling under the surface, awaiting the call to RISE. Something animalistic that gave him strength and carved a path home. This is a film about unlocking our true potential. What we specifically believe in has little consequence, what matters is that we BALEIEVE in something….something to push us to a breaking point and realize our existence is no fluke, our mortality is not to be taken lightly. It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about Pi Patel, Bruce Wayne or Sunmi 451, we all have the potential to do good, if only we’d answer the call and find the way.  Anyway….great fucking film, and HOLY SHIT DOES IT FUCKING LOOK GOOD. Another one that was made for the big-screen. I’m sure there’s still magic to be had experiencing it in the comfort of your own home, but really….if you missed this in the theater then fuck off.

#4 THE GREY

Joe Carnahan is a gigantic asshole but he makes good films….for men.  This shit is about as manly as it gets. The classic Man VS Nature survival formula rooted in the power and belief (once again) in ONESELF. I don’t give a flying fuck about Liam Neeson, and I’m glad the retards were disappointed when they didn’t get 2 hours of him playing grab-ass with wolves. This is some deeply moving shit, showing us it doesn’t matter whether or not you go down, as long as you go down fighting.  And nice job on that poem, Joe…cocksucker.

#5 ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER

I don’t give a shit about the Russian fuck that made this. I saw some of his Night Watch bullshit and wrote him off as a nobaaaawdy. Now I’m not saying the action in this is much better, it’s that typical kung-fu vampire bullshit. The thing is, there’s not much of it, and the action isn’t what kept my balls nailed to the floor-boards. What grabbed me most was the surprisingly powerful telling of Lincoln’s story, and the impressive performance put in by that throbbing-cunt-annihilator Ben Walker. I thought the courting of Mary Todd in particular was handled handsomely, especially in this loud dumb thing that shouldn’t give a fuck about that kind of emotional subtlety. It’s tender and it’s sweet, and the chemistry between Mahogany Cock and Winstead is smokin’. I walked out wondering, why the fuck would anyone give a shit about an actual Lincoln movie after this? I mean the Gettysburg address was right on. Powerful, stoic, beautifully shot. It can’t get much better than that. I should’ve followed my instincts. Instead I wasted precious hours of my life on that soulless piece of placental explusion Spielberg dumped on us a few months later. It’s ludicrous, I know, but his star-studded/Oscar-baity, supposedly ‘hard-hitting’ 13 Amendment procedural lacked all semblance of balls and heart in comparison. It’s as if he saw all the iconic Lincoln shit in Vampire Hunter and said, okay….now let’s do the made-for-tv in-between stuff, let’s have him sitting in offices and staring at Bill Seward’s dick for 2 hours and fucktard Americans will eat it up. Let’s take away all sense of an actual human being and make him a rambling dead-eyed caricature instead. I mean….WHAT THE FAWWWWWK?  It still blows me away. The fact that a fucking vampire movie directed by a dog-breathed Russkie can capture more iconically patriotic Lincoln moments than a film directed by The Berg? Jesus…it’s a sad day in America indeed. Maybe it’s representative of the world we live in, where the global romanticism of the American dream is as powerful as ever, yet the artists and shot-callers actually living in the fucking place are disillusioned and worn down, so they continue to pump out this drab uninspiring shit that second-guesses our seat on the throne. Fuck them. Fuck Spielberg. Ben Walker is a hissing-cock among cowards.

God bless you all.

 

HAWAIIAN ORGAN DONOR

 

#1  THE GREY

I still don’t really know what to say about this one.  Neeson gives us his finest performance since Schindler’s List and Carnahan takes us on the most visceral ride I can remember in years.  Even from the trailers I never expected Neeson to battle wolves, but I also didn’t expect such a brutal and honest depiction of mankind’s battle against fate, of which we all have very little control over in the end.  It’s a shame this was released in January because it will be all but forgotten come Oscar time and this film deserves Oscars up the ass.

 #2 ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER

I had no idea what to expect going into this one.  With the title I was expecting plenty of cheese and non-stop flashy theatrics as seeing this is from the same guy who made Wanted.  But what I didn’t expect was a film where the best moments come from the quiet exchanges between Abe and Mary and a film with more heart and soul than any of the Oscar bait films I watched this season.  In a year with two Lincoln movies, who could have guessed the one made by Spielberg would pale in comparison to the vampire hunter one.

#3 CLOUD ATLAS

So I couldn’t understand most of what future Hanks was saying and I would’ve watched a three hour movie centering around Irish Hanks, and I’m not even sure I enjoyed the 1970’s storyline all that much, but there really has never been anything like this in the history of cinema.  In 50 years this will be the Citizen Kane of the millennial generation.  The Neo Seoul sequence is probably my favorite piece of filmmaking in years.  It’s dense as hell and I’ll be catching things I didn’t notice before on my sixth, seventh and all future viewings.

#4 MEN IN BLACK 3

I was lukewarm to the first movie and thought the second one was the worst movie the year it came out so imagine my surprise when five minutes into the latest adventures of Jay and Kay I’m completely engrossed in the world they’ve created.  A great memorable villain and one of the best performances of the year from Josh Brolin and an ending that is both creative as hell and surprisingly heartfelt makes this the rare third movie in a trilogy that surpasses the ones before it.

#5 DREDD

I really didn’t know what to put in the fifth spot.  I must have swapped out a dozen movies before deciding that this new and improved vision of Dredd was what I wanted in an R-rated splatterfest.  Karl Urban plays the role pitch perfect and his sidekick is so unbelievably smoking hot I was hoping they would squeeze in a little gratuitous nudity as well.  And the whole thing was packaged in a perfectly paced 90 minutes.

STUNTCOCK_MIKE

 

#1 THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

Jesus, where to start? This movie just hit every single note with me. I haven’t been this in love with a movie or should I say the feeling I have when I watch this movie since say The Empire Strikes Back way back when. If somebody would’ve told me ten years ago I’d be in love with a trilogy of Batman films I would’ve told them to get fucked because y’know, fuck comic books. Bane just destroys Ledger’s Joker as a villain. And Zimmer’s score fucking kills. There’s one bit where all it is is a droning note for like five minutes but the industrial sound of it just creates so much fucking tension and uneasiness. And like Richard Roeper says, the last five minutes are the most satisfying of the year, if not my life. I’ve watched it 11 times and I still tear up when Bruce does the slight nod. Magic.

Honestly though, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like this about movies again. I should quit while I’m ahead and just stop watching these fucking things.

#2 CLOUD ATLAS

One of the most ambitious films I’ve seen since I don’t know when. The definition of an epic film yet contains some of the most beautiful little personal moments. Beautiful and heartbreaking.

FROBISHER MOTHERFUCKER!

#3 JACK REACHER

Thank Allah for Tom Cruise for coming back to save us from that shithole MI4. Great movie, Cruise is having fun. Snappy bits of dialog. Great car chase with little hints of Way of the Gun here and there. Nice to see the Days of Thunder reunion with Duvall. And fucking Herzog BWAHAHAHAHAHA love it.

“I am going to beat you to death and drink your blood from a boot.”

#4 LIFE OF PI

Visually what the fuck Ang Lee? The Golden Chink can do no wrong. Shit is just crazy. Still speechless.

Pure. Magic.

#5 ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER

Thank Dickblood for the ‘AIBN Group Fellatio Award’ for this film. What a fucking surprise. Young Liam Neeson fucking NAILS it. Killer score. Fun as fuck.