Cheetoh Goes On An Unexpected Journey: The Hobbit Review

Posted by: Basement Cheetoh Eater Posted on

I read The Hobbit for the first time when I was 11.  As everyone knows, the book’s a must-own staple for young readers – with its tight editing, free-flowing poetry and song, rich characters and fast pacing.  Dragons, dwarves, elves and wizards, The Hobbit defined much of the fantasy genre that exists today.  And the book remains J.R.R. Tolkien’s literary masterpiece. While some die-hard fans will endlessly prattle on about the “importance” of his Lord of the Rings trilogy (or that recently discovered “Children of Hurin” nonsense – just ask those meandering cunts at TheOneRing.net), none of them embrace the joys of childhood wonder quite as well as The Hobbit.  It’s a simple, beautiful story…and a timeless one.

I went in to The Hobbit with a fairly apprehensive attitude.  The trailers for it have been dull and stilted; and the decision to turn a short story (which The Hobbit really is) into a sprawling 3 movie / 9 hour epic seemed excruciating.  But I got lucky – my wife got free passes Thursday night through her work….and getting in free always makes movies easier to stomach and sit through. The lights dimmed, the score blared…and for the first 45 minutes, I was shifting in my seat and looking at my watch.  To call the opening of The Hobbit slow is about the same level of understatement as saying Hitler “kind of” overreacted about losing an art school scholarship to a Jewish kid.  It’s not just slow…it’s tedious.  This is where the accusations of “bloat” really hit home. Director Peter Jackson could easily have edited 50% of the material out and made the important bits hit just as hard.  I know he loves to stretch any tale out beyond the three hour mark but some restraint wouldn’t kill him…it makes his work, at times, about as boring as discussing the merits of rugby with a New Zealander.

But I can happily state, things do pick up.  Once this “fellowship” of 13 dwarves, a hobbit and a wizard get under way, the movie picks up considerable steam.  There’s an encounter with pony-stealing trolls.  They’re besieged by a vengeful orc and his hunting party.  And there’s even a wild boxing match between mountain giants (literally mountains that seem to have come alive merely to war with one another) which catches the troop fatefully in the crossfire.  The pace is jarring – going from the slow grind of Hobbiton life – to an all out race for survival through environments designed to test the limits of the living.  But then Peter gets cute again…and the movie slows for a time as they cut away from the grumbling band and focus on a “brown wizard” named Radagast.

Radagast is being called the “Jar Jar Binks” of The Hobbit.  I understand the comparison but it does sell the character short, to some degree.  Radgast, like Gandalf and Saruman, is an ancient wizard (who has the vague appearance of being human even though none of the wizards actually are) but who has lost his way mentally.  Originally sent to Middle Earth by the Valar (lesser gods) to govern and influence the affairs of men, he became obsessed with the collateral damage being done to the world’s smallest and most defenseless of creatures.  And so, he abandoned his quest and became the grand protector of the animal kingdom.  From a pacing standpoint, the scenes are jarring…the realization of his character is well executed but the story begins to move slowly (completely abandoning the company of dwarves for a significant period of time).  But after a time (too long, to be honest), the two stories merge; and the viewer is left to understand that the terrible fate of the forest (Mirkwood) critters is the result of a growing, ancient evil thats returned to Middle Earth and is literally poisoning the ground beneath everyone’s feet.  Why the White Council (a collection of wizards and high elves) can’t seem to get their shit together and figure out the ancient evil is Sauron is beyond me…but whatever.  An entire Jedi Council couldn’t figure out the evil emperor they were all spying on was the Sith they’d been searching for, all along…so you kind of have to roll with it.

Once we return to the company of dwarves and their halfling burglar, the movie picks up, yet again, and quickly moves toward (surprising as it is to admit) the best moment in the franchise’s history, hands down.  The emotion displayed right before the dwarves haplessly enter Goblintown and the astoundingly huge battle throughout it are some of the best moments ever captured in a fantasy film.  The movie cuts between two very different but gorgeous and important set pieces: the first, a lonely,shadowed lake at the bottom of a mountain where a lost hobbit and a tortured Gollum meet and play a lethal game of riddles; and the second, a sweeping and fanciful escape through a fiery, six-tier city teeming with rampaging goblins.  It’s hard to describe how wonderful this extended battle is (running more than 15 minutes non-stop).  Goblintown, much like the Star Wars cantina, will become something of legend in terms of scope, creature creation and pure effects whimsy.  The Goblins are shown as having a culture and a lifestyle all their own; and at one point, there are literally battles, cave-ins and fires on every level of the vast encampment.  If one were to go back and watch the “epic” battles of the LOTR movies after seeing The Hobbit, every one of them would seem inferior and less interesting than the main battle of Goblintown.  That set piece may be worth the price of admission all on its own.

The movie wraps up not too long after that (rather abruptly) with another visit from the orc enemies of old (and a visit from the giant eagles – once again raising questions about how they could’ve single-handedly altered the entire storyline of the LOTR series by helping out earlier in the process)…but it was nice to see the lack of “false endings” which plagued Return of the King making it the weakest entrant in the series (and even more so in the extended edition).

The Hobbit has its flaws….plenty of them.  The accusations of bloat are warranted; especially in the first half.  There are so many dwarves that all but 4 of them are just faceless fat midgets running around without purpose…only a select few are given any real screen time at all (though, those that do, handle the material well…especially Richard Armitage as the grim dwarf prince Thorin).  Ian McKellan is his usual self:  reliable and without pretense (he just seems happy to be the lone cancer-addled AARP member who still consistently gets work).  And Martin Freeman, as the doubting would-be hero of the tale, is largely perfect.  His take on Bilbo is very different from Elijah’s tragic and wounded turn…Bilbo is a much braver, wiser and plotting character – and finds his courage much earlier than his nephew ever could (relying on his wits to navigate Middle Earth’s most precarious situations).  But despite the bloat and excesses common to Peter Jackson’s work, there are gems to be found in the film (and not just under Smaug’s snoring ass in The Lonely Mountain).  Goblintown remains a notable favorite of mine; but even the acting and creature effects have improved significantly – and made the world seem richer and more realized than the LOTR films which haven’t stood the test of time very well.  And kudos to the writing team who creates a villain not in the original book…but who’s more interesting and well thought out than any villain presented in the Rings films….Azog The Defiler is a cool creation and I look forward to seeing what more is done with him in the next movie.

As far as the now-infamous debate on format, I only saw it in 24 FPS but enjoyed it…I can’t speak for the 48 FPS but have heard VERY mixed things about how the film holds up at that level of definition (the most common complaints being motion sickness and that the level of detail making the sets look like stage facades; and also undermining many of the effects sequences by making the CGI look like its moving in high speed).

3 fists out of 5 for some great set-pieces, a focus on casting better actors and a significantly better score than the LOTR films (but -2 fists for bloat, pacing issues and a lack of character diversity amongst the dwarves).

3 FISTS

Comments (47)

  2. It’s padded, no doubt. But I’m betting it winds up being more re-watchable in the end than a lot of the original trilogy. It has a better sense of fun and childlike wonder – I find the original series to be WAY too self serious. I prefer the tone of this one more…like a funnier version of Fellowship of the Ring with better creature effects (but more bloat).

  5. You sucking Goblintown’s dick does make me a little curious. I’d like to check out that sequence. Maybe I’ll sneak in….I would never actually contribute a dime to that fucking disgusting slimebag Jackson.

    Emotion-wise….that’s where the LOTR series fucking failed. They got it right in Fellowship, then every moment that followed seemed to get shittier and shittier and those giant CG battle scenes are just nauseatingly pussy.

    The only fight that ever fucked mattered was that small scale hand-to-hand shit at the end of Fellowship. That was the last time Aragorn would be cool. He was a lone wolf that kicked some ass and that should’ve been the fucking end of it. After that I never gave a fuck about anything he did….all this shit about the curse of his lineage and him resisting his place on the throne, and falling in love with Liv and having to give her up because of her immortality…..I mean, I just fucking described it clearer than it ever is in the fucking 9 hours of films. Nothing about him worked. I didn’t understand any of his motivations, and I still don’t understand his weird shit with the broken sword in Elf-Town, knocking it over and storming off when Bean brings up his ancestor….then Bean looks like he’s gonna cry and acts like a fucking weirdo every time he sees him after that. I don’t get any of that bullshit. It worked about as well as inter-cutting sad Aragorn watching Liv walk off glowing in the fucking forest and Erect Aragorn trying to fuck that bland farm-girl. Like who thought those were good parallels to make? So the moral is….Aragorn’s life is molded by cunt?

    Fucking piece of shit.

    • Your take on Aragorn is spot on. However, isn’t that true of 90% of guys (the other 10%’s lives being molded by cock)? Let’s face it, guys, men are lead in life by their third leg. Only occasionally does their brain kick in and override it.

      Back to the main subject, I’ve always thought that scene with Aragorn and Boromir with the sword was kind of strange too. Also, I can never forgive Aragorn for breaking Eowyn’s heart. It’s her he should have ended up with, not the fucking elf.

  6. God damn you Cheetz, making me read about this fucking faggy shit now….

    But wait wait wait…..if Gandalf is only 1 of fucking 5 wizards in the LOTR trilogy….and one of the other ones has gone bad and the rest are nowhere to be found…wouldn’t ordinary folk, like all those fucking assholes in Rohan, make A BIG FUCKING DEAL ABOUT HIM????? Like no one in that entire trilogy gives a fuck when Gandalf shows up, he just sits there like any ordinary old queen.

  7. Yeah – it seems no one in Middle Earth really gets the Wizards; Maybe because they barely ever seem to cast magic? I don’t know – there’s more spellcasting in this one than the other three flicks combined though. In the LOTR movies, the wizards never seem to do shit but beat things (including each other) with their staffs.

    I def. thought this one had isolated moments that had more heart than the last couple LOTR flicks – primarily Bilbo’s arrogance about being homesick..he forgets he actually has a home to go home to….the dwarves have nowhere to call home; and when he realizes it, it changes his desire to leave. That alone had more balls than Aragorn’s wounded warrior shit.

  17. Yeah, really there’s only one thing I’m looking forward to right now…..

    LIBER-FUCKING-ACHEEEE!!!

    ______________________

    “These two men were deeply in love and in a real relationship — a marriage — long before there was gay marriage,” Damon says of the real-life pair. “That’s not an insignificant thing. The script is beautiful and relatable. Their conversations when they’re dressing or undressing or having a spat or getting ready for bed? That’s every marriage.”

    As far as getting into character was concerned, he noted, “We both have a lot of gay friends, and we were not going to screw this up or bullsh*t it. It wasn’t the most natural thing in the world to do, though. Like, for one scene, I had to come out of a pool, go over to Michael, straddle him on a chaise lounge and start kissing him. And throughout the script, it’s not like I kiss him just once. We drew it up like a football plan.”

    As for Douglas, he notes, “Michael was a wonderful kisser.”

  19. Man how pissed is James Holmes right now?

    This is sort of like Avengers stealing Rises thunder all over again. Just a sloppy mess much more harmful and not as well thought out and theatrical in nature as Holmes shooting. And of course like Avengers the CT fuck took the pussy way out. Holmes RISES.

    And school shootings, nothing new its been done just like Avengers. Holmes gave us a new fear something we’ve never seen before, like Rises.

  21. Yeah, I guess so Hitler. That would be true of most men….our destinies are shaped by cunts we love and lose. And that’s a fine theme, some of the greatest literary works are built on it….so with LOTR, have the fucking balls to give it to me. That was the biggest problem, it feels like we see 4 hours of Aragorn’s weepy bullshit, but at the same time it feels like we learn nothing about him. I don’t understand why the farm-girl bitch exists. What purpose does she serve? Giving Aragorn a glimpse into a simpler/agriculture based lifestyle, something he can never have? But that doesn’t work either with her pining for girl-power and a chance to rise up and fight. There’s all these conflicting motivating factors, none of them mesh, and in the end Aragorn’s personal life means jack shit. So this great destined king I’m supposed to be all jazzed for, when he finally gets up on the throne I’m like ehhhhh….yeah, that guy. Okay. He fucked over two broads that wanted him, one of them came back….he wins?

    Yeah, fuck it.

  31. I Saw Hobbit last night….It’s fine, I liked it…but it is NOT better than the book like some cunts are saying, and it is NOT the film event of the year. As Cheetoh says..it is full of fat; plus unnecessary, in my view, added characters (I saw no reason for Whitey Orc..backstory was already handled..she should have died as in the book), and the CGI in spots look terrible to me…Radagasts Rabbit Run…enough said.

    And the Goblin King…there is some Knowles in that modeling…I know he and Jackson oft share a bath…maybe he was the inspiration. I’m not kidding…the eyes, and the mannerisms (if you’ve ever seen his youtube thing)

    …tell me the Goblin King doesn’t have Knowlesian traits Cheetoh

  32. I thought the Pale Orc was a pointless addition, shoehorned in for no other reason than to give Thorin something to brood about. Although I did like enjoy the fight at the end.

    The only thing I thought was flat-out fucking dog shit was having Ian Holm and Elijah Wood at the beginning. They both look like shit and neither one seemed to be making much effort. Wood especially phoned it in and looks way too fucking old to be playing Frodo.

  34. Agreed Caruso – I didn’t think having Elijah and Ian in it really added anything. My biggest criticisms are in the first third of the film where the pace is very slow and the extraneous moments aren’t needed. The film gets good once it starts moving and I agree, the fights by the end were solid and made it worth the watch.

  35. Cons….ya I would never say it’s “better than the book”. That’s ludicrous – it’s merely better than the critics are letting on because they wanted an “oh so serious” movie grounded in reality rather than the more fanciful approach that was taken on this (which I preferred).

    The Goblin King needed a CGI wheelchair to be Harry (and a stronger sense of smug self satisfaction).

  36. When the original trilogy was announced, I decided to read the books before viewing. Started with Hobbit and liked it. I got through fellowship and ended up putting down two towers, just got boring for me. The whole broken sword with Aragon is started in fellowship, for some reason Jackson just ignored it until the last movie then sprung it on us. That was something that should have been developed more through the trilogy. As far as the movies, they seemed like the cliff notes version of the books, when I watched rtk, I just wanted it to end. Its been nine years since the last flick, and I always thought Hobbit was the best of the lot, but stretching it to three movies seems tedious. My friend dragged me to a midnight screening of King Kong and I wanted that to end. This one is a Netflix rental for me or free passes if someone throws them at me. I can’t wait for Pacific Rim.

  37. For how long this whole fucking movie was it always felt like PJ still wanted to make every scene longer…..like he just NEVER WANTS THE MAGIC TO EVER FUCKING END!!!!!!!!!!!!

    20 years from now some exposé will come out about him and how he just sits in his bedroom playing the soundtracks on repeat and has become a huge Boer War enthusiast and probably thinks in another life he was really at the Battle of Helm’s Deep.

  38. But yeah jesus I enjoyed this fucking ordeal, it would’ve made for an epic 1 hour 40 minute film, two of them. That would’ve been pretty killer. I think I like it best out of the four, it’s oddly much more focused than the other ones, just EVERYTHING is covered. And that 48 FPS shit, yeah it does look like that speed up thing Blu Rays do in the day, for the night scenes it looked really clear just during any action scene there was always WAY too much shit going on. The best way to see this is probably in 2D.

  41. Yeah, Jackson….his career….his existence, it’s just so fucking strange. He’s always sorta perplexed me. Like I recognize there are some things he shoots well….his bizarre sensibilities align with off the wall and entertaining shit once in a while, but then I step back and look at his career as a whole and I wonder like….WHY THE FUCK WAS THIS ASSHOLE EVER ALLOWED TO MAKE A MOVIE?

    So fucking weird.

  42. Yeah this was the first of the Tolkien movies that felt like an ole PJ slope hole.

    It’s just SOOOO fucking odd like maybe if I went into it cold like I did with LOTR I wouldn’t feel this way. I knew nothing about LOTR films when they dropped, it could’ve based on a 15 book series for all I knew.

    But KNOWING that this one was based souly on one book EVERY fucking useless scene I felt and wondered how the fuck this shit got left in here? Why wasn’t thing cut up as sloppily as a little boys penis in an Arkansas creek, the way all great fantasy movies are suppose to be?

  45. Finally saw this yesterday with the kids. Amazingly, neither myself nor 8-yr old mini abom got bored. And after LOTR and King Kong, I expected Jackson to bore me. I agree it’s a bit bloated, but the scenes flow from one to the next quite nicely once things pick up. I was impressed by how well Gollum was rendered, although between him and Bilbo I couldn’t understand most of what they said during the “riddle” game. Something about hinges, wind, time….blah blah blah. Cut the game in half and get on with things.

Leave a Reply