D.G. Dickblood <dannyglovers.dickblood@gmail.com>

 

DICKBLOOD: Alright, so what the fuck did you wanna talk to me about?

KOUTCHBOOM: Huh? Did I say something?

DICKBLOOD: The Hunter thing.

KOUTCHBOOM: Naww. I’m gonna get drunk tonight.

DICKBLOOD: What?

KOUTCHBOOM: I think I’ve said all I wanted to say.

DICKBLOOD: Good. I don’t wanna talk about that shit anyway. I’ve said my piece.

KOUTCHBOOM: Well lets face it, no one will ever replace Bill Hunter. He could’ve been a better version of Sam’s role. Would’ve brought something to the over protective possibly sinister overlord of the town.

DICKBLOOD: For the longest time I thought it was ‘SPEAK YOUR PEACE’….like….after you get it off your chest, you’re at PEACE with yourself. But it’s PIECE. That’s odd . To me, ‘speak your PIECE’ sounds like you’re talking down to a pussy.

KOUTCHBOOM: Jesus Sam’s character. So fucking useless. Why the fuck did he sign on to do that role?

DICKBLOOD: Yeah. Fuck. I was reading a piece on it where they described him as this sweet old man that really holds the film together….WHAT FUCKING MOVIE ARE THESE PRICKS WATCHING? His character brought absolutely nothing to the story. He’s just there. What…he shows him around, drops a few bits of exposition? Gee whiz. Fuck off.

KOUTCHBOOM: Is he just becoming the AUSSIE guy that has to be in every AUSSIE movie because he’s an AUSSIE?

DICKBLOOD: I mean, he seriously exists just to have that pussy ass moment where he tells Willem THEY’RE DEAD. And I see the intent behind it, the idea that there’s no central villain…

KOUTCHBOOM: The whole town story as a whole was worthless. Just there to create tension.

DICKBLOOD: …and it’s a man’s internal struggle, Willem is his own nemesis…bla bla bla….all these lofty themes that never come together for shit.

KOUTCHBOOM: I half expected the hippies to be the ones out to get Willem.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, like they find out why he’s there and start fucking with him…sabotaging his shit. I thought that may be where it was headed, he’s all alone in the wild, and he spots the tiger, then falls in some fucking trap the conservationists left…..and in the end he’s all fucked and alone…this haunting moment where the beast just stares at him from afar, dying….something like that. Something with some fucking SUDDEN IMPACT.

KOUTCHBOOM: Whatever. I just watched another movie about the wolf thing.

DICKBLOOD: Tiger?

KOUTCHBOOM: The wolf thing.

DICKBLOOD: In Tasmania?

KOUTCHBOOM: Its called The Dying Breed, and it’s a similar initial idea the towns folk just fucking hating anyone that comes to find it.

DICKBLOOD: So all these movies are just warning people not to go to Tasmania?

KOUTCHBOOM: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dying_Breed

OHHHH TIGER

NOT WOLF

DICKBLOOD: Leigh Whannell?? He’s probably the fucking richest guy in
Australia…in between Saw movies he goes and acts in this shit?

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah.

DICKBLOOD: Maybe his dream was just to be an actor……as well as Jim Wan’s ball koozie.

KOUTCHBOOM: Fuck. Willem should’ve become friendly with some fox.

DICKBLOOD: You mean the wolf….

KOUTCHBOOM: No.

DICKBLOOD: Or the tiger?

KOUTCHBOOM: Not the tiger.

DICKBLOOD: Friendly like…like they listen to show tunes together?

KOUTCHBOOM: Just some other animal. Like he sees it a lot and bonds with it. Then BAM finds it fucking dead. Some nice foreshadowing.

DICKBLOOD: What if the family had a dog? And with the escalation of tension
and the town folk fucking with them, one night he goes out and finds the dog with a fucking bowie knife in its side.

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah. Sam Neill killed it.

DICKBLOOD: The mute kid could love be crying over it and Willem just goes
fucking apeshit.

KOUTCHBOOM: Give Sam’s character some fucking meat.

DICKBLOOD: Man I loved those kids. See, that’s the unfortunate part. Willem, Frances, the kids, the DP….they all fucking brought it. But the film sorta let THEM down. They were so good.

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah.

DICKBLOOD: God. What the fuck was the point of Sam?

KOUTCHBOOM: I think he’s just trying to become Bill Hunter.

DICKBLOOD: Like that idiotic moment when the dudes roll up and just start firing at their outdoor party? And there’s that shot of Sam, cowering in the backseat out of view….WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah. That shot of him ducking down.

DICKBLOOD: I get the idea…it’s like that shit in Open Range when the townspeople you know will then put on the KKK hoods and fuck you over to run you outta town. I get that. But here, it’s handled with such fucking bitch-gloves.

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah. The towns people all hate him. Plot goes nowhere. Like what the fuck did they think Willem was?

DICKBLOOD: He was posing as a scientist….but he didn’t really seem to ever be doing any scientist-y business….so maybe they assumed his field of study was FRANCES O’CONNER’S CUNT.

KOUTCHBOOM: Sam should’ve just been a nice friendly neighbor. He has a drink at the bar with Willem and tells him, “Going into those woods only causes bad things.”

DICKBLOOD: The whole shooting at the party concept is fucking retarded in every way….but then that cut to Frances and Will in the kitchen talking totally normal and calm right after. THE FUCK?!! Some dudes just rolled up in front of your house and fired shots WITH YOUR KIDS OUTSIDE PLAYING a second ago….and she’s like eehhh…that shit happens up here. It’s cool. Hey…what’s up with your face, Will?

KOUTCHBOOM: Either that, or I expected Sam to be the guy that Willem hunts down.

DICKBLOOD: I thought it could’ve worked well with him split into two characters…..Sam could’ve played the kind old neighbor that watches out for the family, and ENDS UP FUCKING DEAD. And then there needed to be some evil Brian Fucking Dennehy type town heavy. Always eating…always sweating….always on the hunt. Like a fucking Aussie Boss Hoss.

KOUTCHBOOM: bahahahaha I also loved that line toward the end

“I can’t take care of him, not at my age.”….ehhh isn’t Willem like
20 years older than Sam?

DICKBLOOD: Of course…dipshits would read this and think…ohhh you just
wanted it to be a regular movie then? NO. i wanted it to grow some
fucking balls.

KOUTCHBOOM: And be WORTH MY FUCKING TIME!

Fuck it. It’s getting 2 FISTS out of me.

DICKBLOOD: There’s an interesting moment, when Willem’s leaving and Sam rolls up next to him on his way to the family and Will says something like THEY DON’T NEED YOU TO CHECK ON THEM ANYMORE and looks like he could kick his fucking teeth old rotted teeth outta his skull.

That’s an interesting dynamic that could’ve been explored….Sam has always watched out for them, and he doesn’t fully trust Will, and he doesn’t want him to hurt them….he’s just a concerned grandpa type. There could’ve been some sweet ass heart-to-heart between them, outside by the fire….Will keeps looking in at Frances in the window.

KOUTCHBOOM: Well I liked how they stayed away from the sexual nature of shit.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, that was good. Sexuality would’ve fucked it. To make it raw and lustful would’ve been stupid. This is classy. Willem’s the opposite of Gandhi….he’s the SEXLESS BEAST.

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah.

DICKBLOOD: Jesus, if Dennehy couldn’t get off the dialysis long enough to shoot this, they shoulda got Ray Winstone as the town heavy.

KOUTCHBOOM: He’d be good. I don’t know if he’d be Bill Hunter good. But

he’d be good.

DICKBLOOD: Just so I could finally see that son-of-a-bitch Ray take one to the forehead.

KOUTCHBOOM: hehehe…but seriously. I wonder if Sam just fucking hates life post JP. After that he probably thought I’M FUCKING HHHHUUUUGGGEEEE!!!! Then nothing. So he doesn’t try.

DICKBLOOD: What the fuck are you on about? He didn’t JUST have JP. He owned the 90s. JP, The Piano, Invisible Man, In the Mouth of Madness, Bicentennial Man, The Jungle Book. I could just watch nothing but his 90s shit for the rest of my life and be okay.

KOUTCHBOOM: OHHHH FUCK! Willem and Sam were both in Daybreakers. And they both half asses in that movie.

DICKBLOOD: Well yeah…it’s another half-ass Aussie movie. I don’t think they actually watch their own films. They just see the production as more of an economic stimulus…fuck the final product.

KOUTCHBOOM: They’re probably uninspired because neither of them got as big as they hoped.

DICKBLOOD: Like their careers are artistically dead? DON’T YOU MEAN EXTINCT???

KOUTCHBOOM: God. How weak was that moment with the burned down house?

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, Will walks up and looks at the rubble…gets back in the car looking like he has to take a dump. And that shot that should’ve weighed heavy and hit hard lasts for like 3 seconds.

And Sam’s delivery of the line….THEY’RE DEAD. THEY TOOK THE BOY. So fucking half assed. And why would they take the boy? More importantly…why would they take the boy and make sure he’s back in school and well dressed? Like whose crib is he kickin’ it at?

KOUTCHBOOM: Hehehe….yeah. I was falling asleep by then.

I heard Sam say that and I was like….WHAT?

REWIND

DICKBLOOD: It’s just fucking stupid. There’s no build to it….and a moment that should really kick your wife in the dick…this family you’ve started to love through the course of this film…..well they’re fucking dead, all that’s left is charred fucking bone….TADA! Nothing. The delivery is flat, so the emotional response of the viewer is no different.

He should’ve been smarter than them. The bad guys should’ve showed up at the house and the family’s already gone. They light it up and Willem comes out fucking firing and cutting motherfuckers. He ends up firing simultaneously with Winstone and they both go down with the
house in flames behind them. Cut to Frances and the kids on the road, headed somewhere else, kid looks at some nice little token thing Willem gave him.

KOUTCHBOOM: The tip….from his circumcision.

DICKBLOOD: End on a shot of the lone tiger on the mountain, howling.

KOUTCHBOOM: hehehe WILLEM SCREAMS “I AM THE FUCKING TAZMANIAN TIGER!”

DICKBLOOD: I mean to pretend this movie is some unique/hard/abstract thing….WHAT THE FUCK???

KOUTCHBOOM: Well it is fucked they killed the wife and daughter that’s probably why people think the movie is HARD.

DICKBLOOD: In theory it’s hard, yeah…..so make it count. Make it brutal. Like everything it’s just a fucking waste.

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah, Willem should’ve been beating Sam’s face in saying “I’m SORRY, I’M SORRY!” but accepting it.

DICKBLOOD: It could’ve been a cool moment for Willem to go nuts on him. Sam should’ve been more pathetic, pleading for his forgiveness…

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah, Jesus. That’s Sam’s whole career post-JP. WE LIKE HIM…but he’s sort of pathetic and sad.

DICKBLOOD: I mean, he just fucking told him the woman and child he loves are fucking dead. And Willem’s like….ohhh yeah? And he looks kinda confused and a little hurt and walks off all half ass. WHAT THE FAWWWWWWK???? Who made this shit? He should’ve beat the fuck out of his face to get the info out of him, then walked off….got into his car, in a wide shot Sam’s just watching him sadly, watching him go….then Willem suddenly pops open the door, jumps out…walks up to him fast and just fucking smokes him without saying a word.

KOUTCHBOOM: The thing about this is, it proves how good Willem is.

DICKBLOOD: Why?

KOUTCHBOOM: He was the best thing about the movie.

DICKBLOOD: Well yeah…it’s him, Frances, the kids, and the photography.

KOUTCHBOOM: If it was anyone else, the whole thing would’ve been fucking worthless.

DICKBLOOD: It’s not just him though….cause when he’s in the wild, it’s like fucking whatever….his strength is his chemistry with the family. So maybe it’s more THEM than him.

KOUTCHBOOM: yeah…like the bath scene

DICKBLOOD: It’s solid, yeah…very touching.

KOUTCHBOOM: Both bath scenes really.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, the way the kids are just so open to accepting love…and when they bathe her, yeah. He’s this sexless protector. And when she brings it up later, it’s a weird moment….knowing someone watched after you and washed you when you were all fucking strung out. There’s a lot of honesty in all the Frances exchanges.

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah, in the end the whole family dynamic was better than the overall story.

DICKBLOOD: That’s what I was saying….there’s these little glimmers of such a powerful/timeless film. And I get that it would’ve told the source material to fuck off and gone against the whole point of the film…whatever that is, but to me, the real magic is in the idea that this cold hearted killer fuck, is commissioned to destroy an animal, the last of its kind, and in the process falls in love with a family, and gains an appreciation of the fragility of life. It may be sappy, it may be sentimental, but it would’ve made a hell of a film. And in THAT film, when bad fucks go down…it means something. The whole idea of the kid knowing where the tiger was should’ve been explored more, it’s a strong detail. His father took him there, they shared that. He opens up enough with Willem to share it with him….and in the process he’s giving Will the info he needs to destroy something beautiful, so when he fixes his scope on it, ready to gun it down…..really it’s like a betrayal of everything he shares with the boy. It’s symbolic of him turning his back on all the humanity an love this family has shown him. At that moment…

KOUTCHBOOM: He comes back for him.

DICKBLOOD: And the bad fucks are there to burn the house down. And it’s a fucking blood bath. I mean, they could’ve even kept it fucked up where the house is already burned and mom and the girl are dead and bad guys are dragging the boy off as he’s screaming….outta fucking nowhere Willem grabs the dude and puts a blade through this fucking heart. Drops every one of them, then coldly picks up the kid and walks off with him, getting into the car and driving away. Also, I guess the big issue is…if he doesn’t kill it someone else will. So maybe as he’s about to gun it down, he sees more of them.

KOUTCHBOOM: yeah like a family of them

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, so he’s like…fuck this…I’m going back for my new family. Then he spots the other hunter, who followed him there to this secret place…. so Willem has to kill that motherfucker. I hated the way it played out with that guy, the way Willem just becomes this scared little bitch, and when the dude steps in the trap and Willem’s pathetically trying to cut his ties to get the fun. It’s all so fucking bitch-made.

KOUTCHBOOM: Well yeah, Willem is a bitch in it.

DICKBLOOD: I would’ve liked to have seen more of a conscious decision to kill him, on Willem’s part. No some clumsy self defense. The guy should’ve fucked with his family, and now he followed him here and knows where the tiger is, so he’s like trying to destroy Will’s whole world. He should’ve become the cold hunter, in the fucking mud, waiting for him…and just blows that cunt’s head off.

KOUTCHBOOM: Then he makes a Payback like phone call: “No matter who else you send out here I am going to kill them.” And of course you connect the lone wolf ends up having a family, and Willem the lone hunter, now finds his family.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, it would give the opportunity for more of a weird spiritual connection between them. That’s what I meant when I brought up Into the Wild, that style of man sorta becoming one with nature, in this dreamy profound way….but the way they go here, it’s just anabsolute standard studio thriller.

KOUTCHBOOM: They used the same tiger footage in The Dying Breed.

DICKBLOOD: I think it’s pretty much all the footage that exists. There’s literally only a few minutes. It’s a fucking haunting concept….a species that just doesnt not exist anymore….and the type of people that set out to find the lone survivor, to destroy it and exploit it. I mean….how the fuck can you take that concept and have so little to say about it?

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah, also the thing I said about technology??? Like why the fuck wasn’t he handed a book and a VHS tape or some shit?

DICKBLOOD: Well if you think about it, the use of gaudy tech is sorta symbolic of the approach to the entire film. There was no focus on the lasting legacy or the emotional impact….it’s like they just wanted it to look nice. To me in this man against nature shit the last thing I wanna fucking see is a motherfucker pull out some digital camera and upload the shit to his laptop. That and the North Face clothes

KOUTCHBOOM: and the mp3 player.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah…it really hurt it. The story is timeless. We shouldn’t give a fuck if its taking place in 1975 or 1995. The shit that’s really gonna stand out in 20 years is that fucking 2009 ipod. It’s just corny. And it shows a lack of confidence in their own product. They didn’t see the longterm, they just wanted something to put asses in seats in 2012 and who gives a fuck later cause no one will remember this shit? The lack of attention to little shit like that…it comes through.

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah there should’ve been no period. And that’s the thing that sucks about it, usually with these small movies there is so much working against it it’s got no shot. Here it’s just missing a solid foundation for the story.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, dating it with that current tech, especially for this sorta old world man/hunter/nature/family concept…it pulls you out of the film subconsciously. i think it has to do with the escapism…sorta the same concept as the human eye not liking the video frame rate cause it’s too close to our normal vision. So yeah, this classic great white hunter iron cocked killing machine pulling out the fucking ipod dock…..BONER KILLER.

HOLD ON.

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***********DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD (SIGNS OFF)

Approximately 18 MINUTES LATER:

DICKBLOOD: You there?

KOUTCHBOOM: Jesus. Were you masturbating?

DICKBLOOD: No. I’m in a public place. Some freckled trout I used to cavort with just spotted me. That’s the trouble coming to the regular spot, these nipples walk up and start talking to you and glance at your screen and see you’ve been chatting with some pencil-dick on the internet about fucking Sam Neill for an hour? She’s thinking ‘And thaaaaaaaaaat’s why I don’t fuck you anymore’.

KOUTCHBOOM: What’s his name?

DICKBLOOD: Atticus. He has tattoos.

KOUTCHBOOM: And he works there at Burger King?

DICKBLOOD: I was gone for like 20 fucking minutes and you didn’t say shit?

KOUTCHBOOM: No shit. I’m pretty drunk now.

DICKBLOOD: Any other time you can’t shut up, but when I need you most, you go dry?

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah, I just fast forwarded through Community. Chevy was right.

DICKBLOOD: About what?

KOUTCHBOOM: EVERYTHING.

DICKBLOOD: What I was wondering….as FORMER CAVORTER chronicled the details of her day…how the fuck does Mark Davis have so much spit? I mean he can rapid-fire hock mouthfuls into a gaping colon. Is it a cut/uncut thing? The more foreskin…the more saliva one produces?

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah, also those blow bang chicks…. like how can you have spit after sucking 20 dongs in a row?

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, and the way they can let it hang almost to the fucking floor, then SLUUUUUURRRRRRRRPPPPPP, suck the string back up. Like uhhhh…normal people spit doesn’t do that. What gives?

KOUTCHBOOM: Fuck. All I know is that one fuck I know who calls JOHN CARTER “A WRITERS MOVIE”, I bet he’d love THE HUNTER.

DICKBLOOD: Well, people wonder why this generation is a bunch of dickless momma’s boys…HELLO? they consider DRIVE and THE HUNTER – MANLY!

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah, and they’re like Edge of Darkness…why would I see that?

DICKBLOOD: And Man On Fire…who the fuck mentions that other than some fucking lonely 45 year old.

Not to bring HOD into the convo or anything.

KOUTCHBOOM: Man but really unlike those other internet movies like Drive and shit that pretty much need a whole new movie, you could change 15 minutes of this and make something special.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, I’m being unfair. I wouldn’t say Hunter’s BAD. I think it’s a well made film and it looks nice… and the acting is all there. There’s maybe 20 minutes of brilliance. Drive had a decent 3 minute opener…followed by an hour and a half of slurping spit strings. So I’m not really comparing the two…

KOUTCHBOOM: You need to see The Merry Gentleman. I think thats one of thefew movies of this recent hard man trend that’s delivered all the way.

DICKBLOOD: Oh yeah…and fucking Harry Brown. Another failure that the internet pretended was some hard ass thing. And with HUNTER, I know people would read this and think…ohhh you just wanted a totally different movie. Not really. I went off the trailer, and the synopsis, and some interviews, and the dick-suck I’ve read, and yeah I had expectations of something more profound, and esoteric, and….HAUNTING. That term they keep throwing out for it. There’s nothing haunting about the shit.

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah, not at all.

DICKBLOOD: Like the moment he finds the father’s remains. Reading the script….FUCK. You’d think– this moment is gonna kill. And it happens….and just….happens.

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah Jesus. There could’ve been a scene after that with the wife. He hands her something of his. And she KNOWS and just breaks down for a second there with him.

DICKBLOOD: Exactly…and the kids come in and she plays it straight for them. Like the four of them are just one fake little happy family….cause they need each other. This isn’t difficult stuff. Make a movie with some fucking head. Don’t show me some bullshit that plays like you’re watching a rehearsal. That sums up the whole fucking thing….little twinkles of beauty, stuck in a big clump of shit.  That bit at the very end with him going to the boy, and the kid’s face, and he runs over…it’s a great moment. But it doesn’t hit, cause what leads up to is so fucking limp dicked.

Jesus…..I wish someone would ask The Berg on average, how many Sam Neill calls he rejects per week.

KOUTCHBOOM: Jesus. I hope he’s fucking working on his family biopic: “Neill was born in Omagh, County Tyrone, Northern Ireland, the second son of Dermot Neill, a Harrow- and Sandhurst-educated army officer and third-generation New Zealander, and his English wife Priscilla (née Ingham). At the time of Neill’s birth, his father was stationed in Northern Ireland, serving with the Irish Guards. The Neills owned Neill and Co., the largest liquor retailers in New Zealand.”

DICKBLOOD: Huh? That fuck’s not even Aussie? So his blind loyalty to their shitty film industry has all been in vain?!

KOUTCHBOOM: Hhhhmmm….Sam is like 8 years older than Willem. Born in 47. Will is 55.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, it’s weird, Willem has looked 50 for like 20 years. And Sam just started aging past Alan Grant like 6 months ago. But then again, Will only looked 5 years younger than he does now in Streets of Fire, so I don’t get it…

KOUTCHBOOM: I just recorded that. Gotta see it.

DICKBLOOD: Don’t bother. It can’t surpass the trailer. This is the ultimate example of TRAILER-AS-ART.

 

 

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah, Rick Moranis. Fuck. He’s only done one bad thing. That Strange Brew shit. Jesus that movie blows

DICKBLOOD: So how many fists you give The Bounty Hunter?

KOUTCHBOOM: With Jen Handstand and Butts? My buddy liked it.

DICKBLOOD: It’s a little choppy. It’s no Ugly Truth, Gerry will never top that set’a tits.

KOUTCHBOOM: You think we could get an interview with Willem and Sam?

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, and keep creeping in with Bounty Hunter references, “You play a former NYPD cop, correct?”

KOUTCHBOOM: HAHHAA. What was it like working with a TV legend? Sam interrupts and starts rambling about the Aussie scenery.

DICKBLOOD: Willem, the end of the film is beautiful….the way he sacrifices himself for his woman and  punches that fucking cop, ending up in the backseat of the squad car with her. It’s just….HAUNTING.

KOUTCHBOOM: Yeah, Jesus….side note the fucking RIVER, man.

DICKBLOOD: With Mel?

KOUTCHBOOM: AMERICA.

DICKBLOOD: I’ve never seen it. Are there wolves?

KOUTCHBOOM: FUCK YOU.

 

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