The Mystery of Raputin’s Missing Member

As the Romanov dynasty came to a thundering close in 1917, questions naturally arose.  What happened?  Why had public sentiment turned against Tsar Nicholas II?  Why would a Russian royal family take counsel from a shabby rambling zealot from Siberia?  And, whatever happened to his penis after his assassination?

Salient questions all.

Rather than attempting to re-examine the many moments that led to Rasputin’s murder and the downfall of hegemony in Russia, I will merely focus on the final two questions (and certainly the most interesting):  why did the Romanovs embrace the mad monk and what happened to his fabled penis in the wake of his gruesome…and epic massacre?

Grigori Rasputin was born in 1869 in the impoverished and remote Siberian town Pokrovskoye.  Even as a child, his peers (and family) found him unusual.  It was widely remarked that he had the “second sight”.  His ability to predict events (especially horrific ones) was legendary; and even launched rumors that Rasputin himself may have killed some of the people whose death he’d predicted (or was a devil who controlled a legion of demons and was able to curse men). But his saving grace was his mystical ability to heal….and perhaps the only gift that kept him alive (and relevant) for decades. Grigori had a remarkable ability to predict the ‘best course of action’ for wounded and sick people and livestock.  In fact, he sent a letter to Tsar Nicholas’ wife Alexandra instructing her to remove doctors from the room of her hemophiliac son Alexei and let him rest…assuring her that he would survive a deep laceration despite the doctors’ claims that the boy was doomed and would bleed out.  Alexei survived (likely due to his blood pressure being substantially reduced by rest and the removal of fussing doctors); and so the Romanovs fully embraced the Sage of Siberia (even having him live in their home for a time) and bought into the tales of his healing and psychic abilities.

As Russia disintegrated into chaos and revolution, resentment toward the wealthy Romanovs flourished.  And, sharing in that resentment was Grigori Rasputin who had become wealthy due to his political connections.  Rasputin had also burned metaphorical bridges everywhere:  he was renowned for having an 11 inch penis (which he used to heal “hysterical” wives, mothers and sisters).  His lack of discretion enamored him to women…but also made enemies of many men (especially husbands).

His murder was no surprise at all.

Grigori Rasputin was feared and hated…many still believed him to be the devil; others hated his influence over the Russian royal family.  And many more despised him for his righteous ample engorgement.  He was healer, mystic, advisor, politician and lover.  He created an army of fatherless bastards throughout towns in Siberia and had now bedded some of the most prominent women of St. Petersburg and Moscow.

The man was a legend in his own time.  And so was his murder.

Just before Christmas in 1916 (and shortly before the royal family was snuffed out in a hail of gunfire and rage), members of the Russian royal family (a 2nd prince and an Arch-Duke) summoned Rasputin to Moika Palace for a “state dinner” and proceeded to give him enough poison to kill 5 men.  Unfortunately for the conspirators, Rasputin survived…he was known for his addiction to various drugs and took daily medicines for a grievous abdominal wound suffered in a prior assassination attempt (and so, he may have simply been fantastically resistant to poison by those days).  Fearing that he would recover fully and kill them, Prince Felix Yusupov grabbed a revolver and shot him through the back.  As he went to inspect Rasputin’s body, Grigori opened his eyes and lunged at Yusupov….whispering sneering taunts in his ear and strangling him.  The guards pulled Rasputin off of the prince and beat him repeatedly…but Rasputin persevered and survived the vicious beating (while poison coursed through his system and the bullet wound in his back bled freely). They finally were able to beat the mad monk into unconsciousness; and proceeded to castrate him (leading to the fabulous urban legends of who has his penis).  The conspirators then wrapped his body in a rug and threw it into the icy Neve River.  As his body hit the freezing water, Rasputin awoke and broke free from his bonds…then grinned at the crowd as he sank down into the icy black abyss.

When his body was recovered four days later, water was found in his lungs so drowning was listed as the cause of death.  But people were afraid…his ability to withstand one of the most fantastic brutalizations was already sweeping the nation..so they took Rasputin’s body into a nearby forest and attempted to cremate it (witnesses say his body sat upright while it burned). There are also various rumors the burning occurred after an attempt to bury him (but these are unsubstantiated).

Great, grisly stuff.  The makings of a great movie:  an insane hermit from Siberia, political scandal, the downfall of a powerful family, gratuitous murder and a severed 12 inch cock.

So, where is that legendary phallus?  That’s the real mystery.

Some claim that the tales of his penis were all false (but these same folks are the ones who wanted to discredit him in the wake of his execution).  His own wife, daughter and several of the women he “healed” all stood by the claim that his mighty rod was the largest ever seen.  Many witnesses to his cremation also remarked on the enormous gaping hole where his penis had once prominently swung to and fro.

Clearly, someone wanted that dong gone.  But has it been found?

A French collector claims to be the owner….and has even allowed a Russian museum to put it on display.  The government of Russia intends to do genetic testing (using DNA from his living descendants and presumably a few cells from the grey iguana in the jar that presumes to be his bobbin).

Has the mystery of the Pilfered Pickled Pecker finally been solved?

One can only hope….lies, sex, murder and madness.  Professional mystery indeed.