WINSTEAD’S THING UNDULATES WITH THE DICK-SLAP OF APPROVAL!

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BALE THING

This is a Bale public service

 

announcement. I repeat, this is a Bale

 

public service announcement.

 

 

It has come to our attention these past weeks that we here at “Ain’t It Bale News” were negligent in our public duty to inform you, our fellow Professionals, of the awesomeness that is THE THING. We know what you’re thinking. You’re like, “OHHH, GOOOOOOOOOOOD!”

For this egregious error……..we apologize. We had important things happening at the time and thought the public was smart enough to figure it out on their own. Sadly, this was not the case, even though Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Lucy McClane) is in it. We effectively trashed our own scene, and our guilt is fawk-ing’ distractin’.

No bullshit, this weekend will probably be your last fucking chance to see The Thing at your local cineplex. If you were even remotely a fan of the 1982 John Carpenter film of the same name, then this movie will do you proud. It has all the thrills, chills and terrors that you remember from your first viewing of that film. And while it does not star Kurt Russell, it DOES feature Mary Elizabeth Winstead and her alluring eyes, and an ass that is more aesthetically pleasing than those of either Wilford Brimley or Donald Moffat. The CGI monster effects are some of the best we’ve ever seen, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead looks terrific in sweaters.

The Thing

Here are just a few things The Professionals have

been saying about the film:

ABOM:

Hell yes. Saw THING. Liked it. Not quite as much as ’82, but enough. Winstead was good. Could have used a little more expo time getting to know these people, because once they started dying off, I didn’t give a fuck. They were all just a bunch of indistinguishable brown-hairs to me.

Kurt had the beard, and Winstead has the bearded clam. Praise Bale.

DICKBLOOD:

I loved it. Better than ’82. Shit hits HARD. It’s mean and lean. There’s zero fat. Zero bullshit. Winstead owns it.

It really feels like Alien meets The Relic. Gave me visions of sugar plum fairies and clit-dick.

STUNTCOCK:

The practical effects and the CGI were fucking outstanding.

The final scene in the snowcrawler combined with the credit sequence is the best ending to a film I’ve seen this year.

KOUTCHBOOM:

Yeah so glad I saw it in a nice theater and didn’t wait till $1 or DVD the sound rocked balls.

STUNTCOCK:

Man, the female role is fucking reality. That really surprised me. No romance, No shots of her in an undershirt. Not heroic. She takes charge outright very briefly. She never has that “Ripley” vibe to her, which is pretty fucking cool in my opinion.

The Wife said “THAt’S how you write a female role.”

But honestly, that last shot of her in the snowcrawler……..fuuuuuuck. Dead silence in the theater. Then the credits stuff….FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

DICKBLOOD:

Yeah, she’s an ordinary girl that’s driven by fear. She doesn’t become some dyke commando, but she plays the shit with some real fucking gravitas. Good strong face and authoritative tone. You believe these guys would follow the bitch.

STUNTCOCK:

Hehehe Dyke Commando. Why hasn’t anybody made that yet, Cynthia Rothrock is still alive right?

DICKBLOOD:

I wanna see a fucking third film with Winstead waking up in the medical ward of the Russian camp, it’s a few weeks after ’82 events. Just do the Alien 3 shit where a fucking THING TENTACLE rips the dick off the Russkie that’s been nursing her back to health.

KOUTCHBOOM:

And when she gets up she’s in one of those hospital coats and we get a nice ASS SHOT!

The Thing

DICKBLOOD:

Fucking cold war paranoia, the Russians assume she’s a spy! For the climax, Winstead and whatever Cossack she’s fucking, wheel a Russian nuke into the mothership and blow it the fuck up!!

KOUTCHBOOM:

Directed by Tony Scott.

ABOM:

Do we get to see her ass in that one?

DICKBLOOD:

Have her go back to the American camp at some point….find a fucking frozen Mac and Black. That’s when we get the ass.

STUNTCOCK:

Hehe, frozen Kurt and Keith David with a empty bottle of JB between them

ABOM:

Hell yeah. Ebony and Ivory was a huge that year.

DICKBLOOD:

Totally….when you find an ebony squirter….hold onto her with the jaws of life.

ABOM:

Didn’t Steve Winwood have a song about that on his “Arc of a Diver” album. Something about, “When you See a Squirter, Take Her?”

STUNTCOCK:

I think that was on his next album, Boiling Streams.

ABOM:

I’m still thinking how they should have showed more of Winstead’s ass.

 

The Thing

Since the only new title out now is Puss in Boots, and a true Professional isn’t legally allowed in a room full of children anyway, do yourself a favor and check this fun ass monster movie the fuck out. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is in it; she is NOT in Puss in Boots. We give Thing 2011 the Bale Dick Slap of Approval (BDSA) and if in the unlikely event you come away feeling we’ve lied to you, we have given you free reign of the comments section and invite you to talk as much shit as you want…for at least one week. That’s OUR promise to you, the Professionals.

 

Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Danny Dickblood getting to meet Mary Elizabeth Winstead at a cafe in Westwood recently.

 

So stand up, Professionals, do what’s right. Check out THE THING 2011…..even if you are high on meth when you do so. It features Mary Elizabeth Winstead in a pair of period-authentic 1982 Jordache jeans.

 

Are you Professional or NOT? Fuck!

 
Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Bale out.

Comments (36)

  1. This movie was a complete and utter abortion. The 4 sentence review I sent to Danny should have been posted here to balance this out.

    “Saw Thing. Fucking sucked. Horrible score. Fuck you.”

    That’s all you need to know.

  3. The Brim has a fine ass for a man of his years and diabetic status. Plus the Brim ‘stache is legendary and does not allow for any questioning of the Brim’s physical attributes.

    • Oh and I was looking into this last night and both The Fog original and The Fog remake made more than both Things so no ones ever given a shit about this concept. I wonder if the original Thing was like some giant ass hit.

    • Huh? Yeah I said that Fog thing a million times. This fucking world of make believe where THING ’82 is some giant cultural smash is a geek/internet delusion.

      We’ve talked about this privately in email, I like THING ’82 fine, but I don’t think it’s cinematic-stroke-fodder. I think nostalgia plays into it a lot. If you see the shit for the first time when you’re like 16 as I did, it’s no big fucking deal. Especially now with the new one. They go together just fine as one entity, but individually I’d give ’82 3.5 FISTS and 2011 a solid 4.

    • Yeah I sort of went into this expecting not to like it, like I didn’t think it would be as bad as some say I just thought it would be boring and lame. But I loved it, it was a blast I expected this Viking land director would pull a Rupert Wainwright and just poop something out. I’ve said it before but let’s face it Carpenter movies are getting remade like a mother fucker so if you are some giant fan be fucking happy this was made by someone who loved and respected the first one and not just some asshole looking to turn a quick buck.

      Also the CGI complaints??????? This is the first time I’ve ever seen CGI that actually looked gross and not silly. I think any CGI complaints come from people not willing to get over the original and its practical effects. I don’t remember when I saw the first one but I remember loving it, allllll fucking stoked to see it again a couple years back and the person I saw it with fucking fell asleep and took them 3 days to finish it, but they loved this movie. And we are going to rewatch the old one soon.

    • Oh come on. The CG was fucking terrible. Did you guys think the CG in I am Legend was solid too? The shit on the helicopter made me feel humiliated for dropping 5 bucks on this shit. I think it’s time for Hollywood to just come to grips with the fact that CG just isn’t scary and never will be. It just looks fucking stupid.

      Also I’m not a huge Carpenter fan but giving Thing ’82 3.5 fists is a fucking disgrace. It’s about the only thing Carpenter ever did that I can say deserves the geek deep throating it gets.

    • I never said anything about the fucking movie being scary. It’s not…it’s a fun creature thriller. It’s exactly what it should be. And you’re right– it’s very difficult to make CG scary. It never works. In horror films of recent years, it’s usually the end CG reveal that fucks it all up, like say….Boogeyman. I don’t see THING films as horror. I never thought ’82 was scary. It was weird, sure….but the only actual SCARE in that whole movie comes from the cheap orchestra jump-scare when someone passes by the camera in the hallway. I don’t remember who it is but fuck it. Fuck you. You’re wrong. This whole “THING ’82 IS TERRIFYING” bullshit is more of these nostalgic delusions. You’re just looking for something to bitch about. The CG in Thing 2011 was phenomenal and there are very few creatures in the last decade that come close, especially on that kind of budget. 150 million dollar shit doesn’t look nearly as good.

      I want to hear just what you think is so good about ’82 and what you think is so bad about 2011. Lets lay it all out here. And none of this blogger cocksucking bullshit like “KURT RUSSELL RULES!!!” or “REMAKES FUCKING SUCK!!!” Dick to dick. Why is ’82 better?

  18. Saw The Rum Diary. It was okay. A lot more slow than the trasiler would have you believe. Thompson deserves better. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail, directed by someone with a pulse, next please.

  19. Didn’t get to see The Thing…but I’ll rent it in a week when it comes out. Usually I trust you fuckers on things film related…but I ain’t holding my breath on this one.

    I DID catch Fast Five on the ship. Fuuuucking Hilarious…I watched it half loaded and laughed like a Mongoloid on Ether the entire time. Physics, plausibility, logic…fuck that shit we got Chargers pulling a fucking Bank Vault. If a Movie ever were scripted and shot to live up to the Term “Ghetto Lottery Players Wetdream”…Fast Five was it; seriously in the morning my brain was still a few IQ points shy of 100 due to the lasting effects of that film.

    But it was fun…

  20. Didn’t gingertown trash this one? Not that that would mean much in my book. I got all five fast and furious coming by way from Netflix, never seen any but the professionals say number five was good, so I’m on board.

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