AIBN: Well Mr. Hoskins it is a pleasure to finally–

BOB: Ello ello ello, please please mate….call me Mista Bob Hoskins.

AIBN: Okay….Mr. Bob Hoskins.

BOB: Dats betta love. So what is this shite all about?

AIBN: Well, MISTER….Bob Hoskins–

BOB: Please, just Bob Hoskins.

AIBN: Okay….Bob…Hoskins.

BOB: Ya know, how bout just Bob? Yeah I like that….BOB. Try’at one on mate.

AIBN: Soooo…..Bob, I am a reporter for the website ‘Ain’t It Bale News’, it’s a loving tribute to one of the most professional actors of our day….Christian Bale.

BOB: Never ‘erd of em.

AIBN: He was the star of The Dark Knight, and–

BOB: LOVELY! The man-bat goy right?

AIBN: Yes, it’s a bat…man movie.

BOB: Right, biologically bred as a part man/part bat sort of thing.

AIBN: Well, not really. He’s a rich business man who uses his wealth to fight crime.

BOB: Naaaaawwwww…..can’t be, is it?

AIBN: Yes it is.

BOB: Naaaaaawww.

AIBN: Yes.

BOB: Please please, mate…..just call me Bob.

AIBN: Okay….Bob. So Bale–

BOB: Bob.

AIBN: BALE….is one of the biggest movie stars of today. He recently won an Oscar for his performance in The Fighter.

BOB: I don’t like the Oscars much meself, always pichas I ain’t eva eard of.

AIBN: Well YOU were nominated for an Oscar once Bob.

BOB: WAS I?! What for?

AIBN: The film Mona Lisa.

BOB: Never ‘erd of it. You know I don’t really get too wrapped up in all that story business. I just love to act. I LIVE TO ACT……and run East Suffolk.

AIBN: I’m sorry Bob, you run what?

BOB: You don’t worry your pretty little ed about that now love. Please…go on more about this Christmas Bale bloke. Ose he work for?

AIBN: Well his first major feature was directed by a fellow you’ve worked with….the man that gave us Hook.

BOB: Awwwww…..The Georgy Lucas? He’s a right professional, that one. Shame he made that silly little picha about the blue people in space. Didn’t fancy it. But then again, I’m a tremendous Kevin Costner fan. I gravitate toward the wholesome types.

AIBN: Well Bob, lets move on from Mr. Bale, I’m mainly here to chat with you….THE GREAT BOB HOSKINS.

BOB: OI!!! You watch ya’self with the flowers now lad. I WILL cut cha.

AIBN: I’m sorry, Mr. Hoskins.

BOB: Please please, just Bob.

AIBN: Well, Bob….I was going through your extensive filmography recently and wondering just what was it like shooting Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

BOB: The bunny, is it?

AIBN: Correct Bob.

BOB: Ohhh yeah yeah that was a funny one….I didn’t realize they was gonna add the bunny. I assumed it was a film about a proper mongol, see? After I saw the whole finished product, I was right amazed.

AIBN: Did you like the movie?

BOB: No.

AIBN: What’s your favorite film you’ve worked on?

BOB: I’d have to say Son of Mask. That picha was an absolute gem to work on. After I saw the finished product, I was right amazed. That there Jeremy Kennedy, now that’s one talented fella. It’s my understanding he’s related to the JFK Kennedys. Funny lass, that bloke.

AIBN: I’ve never seen that movie.

BOB: OI!! You cum in ere blabbing yer yapper asking me all them questions and you ain’t ever seen me finest work? A bit’a preparation’d suit ya nice-like. You know what we do to with em little tarts like ya back in East Suffolk?!

AIBN: Ehhh no sir….what would–

BOB: Dey fuckin cut cha thats wot they do. Ear….ta ear.

AIBN: Well that is very….disturbing. (It was at this point Bob Hoskins leaned in close and took hold of my thigh for the remainder of the interview.)

BOB: You know what you are lad? You’re a little PUFF. You got one last chance to make this right before I end ya.

AIBN: Well uhhhhh….so, what was it like directing Rainbow?

BOB: NOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ON ABOUT BOY?

(I hand Bob my phone with a picture of the Rainbow poster on it)

BOB: THE FUCK…..IS…..THIS??

AIBN: It’s a film, you…directed.

BOB: You’avin a laugh, mate? I in’t make this rubbish. Hew the fuck is this….Dan Aykroyd’n some A-Rab magician?? NOW ya wipe dat spit off yer cunt mouf’n march yer dandy arse outta my ouse for I couwt to free’er I’ma blast ya. Them Bout-Money rules… you fuckin’ understand’at?

AIBN: Yes sir. Very well sir.

BOB: Mind yer tone lad. AN DON’T YOU EVER SET FOOT IN EAST SUFFOLK AGAIN, YOU ERE ME?

AIBN: Sir, this is Chicago.

BOB: So now yer in a position’ta gimme direction? CUNT.