You’ve heard that Conan the Barbarian is “the worst movie ever made”. Or perhaps you’ve heard that Conan is some “mad genius’ insanity-filled thrillride”.
Well, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this….but both statements are true.
“But Cheetoh”, you say “How can both those opinions possibly be true?”
Well, my pretty little fleshlings, my answer can only be this: Conan is a work of mad genius…and it is also horrifically flawed. But, I can honestly say that those flaws won’t destroy the movie-going experience if you go in with the right mindset.
I like a movie title that tells it like it is. 30 Minutes or Less is about the time it takes to completely forget most of what you just saw. Sure, you’ll remember a few key scenes and a couple gags, and you won’t really hate it, like the pizza being delivered by the protagonist of the film, you enjoy it while you are eating it but an hour later you’ll feel like a fat ass and wish you had gone for a walk or called your son instead.
The movie America loves.
And I hate.
Oh hell. How do I count the ways?
To mimic a fat, useless cunt that butchers English and gets excited over the ding of a toaster oven, let’s plow through some personal backstory that is as relevant to the actual review as a pimple on an ass is to the quality of the turd that lies inches away in the bowl below it.
Captain America was not a comic I collected. I didn’t even remotely follow it. But thanks to some fuckin’ fanboys I have learned that the Captain was the mac daddy of all Marvel characters. This dude was the godfather. The hombre with the wallet that reads “Bad Ass Motherfucker.” So when I heard the announcement of the movie, I was neutral. But then Joe Johnston came onboard and being a huge fan of Jumanji, The Rocke-who, October Sky and Jurassic Park 3, I thought he was the right guy to helm the project. And then I heard that Chris Evans had signed on to the iconic role and a part of me stood up and saluted. This shit was becoming… interesting.