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The Professional Confessional
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Chemical Poisoning, Mass Hysteria or Twitchy Bitches?
08 Feb 2012 by Basement Cheetoh Eater / 2 Comments
- Le Roy High School – Toxic Shock or Tricky Teens?
Perhaps nothing is more interesting right now than the mystery taking place at Le Roy High School in upstate New York. It seems that as many as 14 girls are showing signs of a bizarre ailment very similar to Tourette’s Syndrome. The girls are seemingly agitated, showing nervous tics and supposedly involuntary jerking motions while swearing profusely and/or making odd sounds that they claim to have no control over.
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Aokigahara: Japan’s Very Own Mirkwood Forest
15 Nov 2011 by Basement Cheetoh Eater / 6 Comments
No need to go all the way to Middle Earth.
A dark and foreboding forest. Legends of ghosts and demonic terrors creeping across a windless, dying expanse of diseased trees. People summoned by some invisible force who willingly embrace their mortal end; all-too-often, never to be seen again.
Sound like Peter Jackson potty-spank material? Not at all…it’s actually a forest in Japan near the base of Mt. Fuji (affectionately known as Aokigahara….the “Sea of Trees” in their ugly and incomprehensible tongue). And Aokigahara isn’t just your typical creepy forest…it’s the site of over 500 suicides over the last 30 years (and about 4,000 attempts as well as over 200 missing persons reports).
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Conan: The Greatest Sinbad Story Ever Told
24 Aug 2011 by Basement Cheetoh Eater / 10 Comments
So…you’ve heard things.You’ve heard that Conan the Barbarian is “the worst movie ever made”. Or perhaps you’ve heard that Conan is some “mad genius’ insanity-filled thrillride”.
Well, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this….but both statements are true.
“But Cheetoh”, you say “How can both those opinions possibly be true?”
Well, my pretty little fleshlings, my answer can only be this: Conan is a work of mad genius…and it is also horrifically flawed. But, I can honestly say that those flaws won’t destroy the movie-going experience if you go in with the right mindset.
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The Mighty Mako: Hollywood’s Samurai of Swagger
30 Jun 2011 by Basement Cheetoh Eater / 16 Comments
Another round of Naga Sakes?
Fuck Pat Morita. Between Karate Kid and his tragic turn on Happy Days as the resident “Counter Nip”, he did more damage to the image of the proud Japanese people than most of the guards leading the Bataan Death March.
If you really want to embrace…and savor….the most badass professional in Hollywood’s soiled yellow trunk of East Asians, you have no further to look than Mako.
What couldn’t this guy do? No – this isn’t going to be some flippant piece about a guy and a few good movies. I intend to introduce you to THE MAN. Why? Because Mako was more than the sum of his (more than) 150 roles. He wasn’t just some convenient caricature for Hollywood to call on whenever they needed “chink cool”. He was a gentleman. Proud. Distinguished. And imminently talented.
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Dylan Dog Dodges Direct-to-DVD Doom
06 May 2011 by Basement Cheetoh Eater / 18 Comments
- All looks and no brains makes Dylan a dull boy.
A tough handsome loner who traverses the delicate balance between good and evil. Using only his wits and an array of religious weapons, he fights the monsters our society isn’t ready to know are real. An epic battle for humanity’s very soul.
But enough about ‘Constantine’. Let’s talk some Dylan Dog.
The good news: Dylan Dog isn’t the cinematic abortion so many have claimed.
The bad news: It’s a lukewarm half measure. And when you’re a modest throw-away bit of harmless trash from Hyde Park Entertainment, you can’t afford to be disposable.
The real issue is that Dylan Dog never elevates itself above its meager trappings. And that’s unfortunate…because there was potential there; but it was squandered by a stingy director who didn’t trust his cast and source material (which was certainly thin – but not completely devoid of opportunity).
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Kindly Slay Thyself, Your Highness
06 May 2011 by Basement Cheetoh Eater / 4 Comments
Who is this fucking nobody?
There are some movie experiences that change you.
The fibers that make up the delicate blanket of your life are temporarily unthreaded and laid bare….and these few movie-going experiences become some of the patchwork that colorfully emblazons your life’s quilt. Bright squares of colorful memory that stand the test of time; and can be viewed again and again – each time, giving you something new to reflect on.
Apocalypse Now, Raiders Of The Lost Ark, Star Wars, Jaws, Rear Window, Blade Runner, Animal House. All are such films standing as among the greatest ever created. They leave a mark on our lives forever. We can look back years from now and see that mark and when it was so carefully etched.
In similar fashion, Your Highness leaves such a mark.
And that’s not a compliment.
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