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Reviews
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ABOM saw Ghost Protocol and says ‘FOURTH TIME’S A FUCK!’
14 Dec 2011 by Abominable Snowcone / 18 Comments
You know the drill: Stack the odds against veteran IMF agent Ethan Hunt and dangle him from a wire in a room or building no one’s supposed to be able to infiltrate. Have some clandestine evil threaten the global balance of power while Hunt’s own superiors disavow knowledge of his effort to stop it. Yes, Tom Cruise is back as Hunt for MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – GHOST PROTOCOL, the third sequel to the 1996 film adaptation of the popular sixties spy program.
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Captain America Is Complete Shit. Seriously.
24 Jul 2011 by Hawaiian Organ Donor / 47 Comments
The movie America loves.
And I hate.
Oh hell. How do I count the ways?
To mimic a fat, useless cunt that butchers English and gets excited over the ding of a toaster oven, let’s plow through some personal backstory that is as relevant to the actual review as a pimple on an ass is to the quality of the turd that lies inches away in the bowl below it.
Captain America was not a comic I collected. I didn’t even remotely follow it. But thanks to some fuckin’ fanboys I have learned that the Captain was the mac daddy of all Marvel characters. This dude was the godfather. The hombre with the wallet that reads “Bad Ass Motherfucker.” So when I heard the announcement of the movie, I was neutral. But then Joe Johnston came onboard and being a huge fan of Jumanji, The Rocke-who, October Sky and Jurassic Park 3, I thought he was the right guy to helm the project. And then I heard that Chris Evans had signed on to the iconic role and a part of me stood up and saluted. This shit was becoming… interesting.
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Snowcone and the Donor Double Team the X-Men
03 Jul 2011 by Hawaiian Organ Donor / 5 Comments
First up, Abominable Snowcone:
I’m not sure why I put off seeing X-Men First Class. The prequel didn’t have as huge a debut as the other X-Movies, but reviews have been very positive overall and—unlike the other entries in the franchise—this baby has legs. When it hits DVD I’m all over that shit like awesome on Patrick Swayze.
So I went out last night to check Matt Vaughan’s (Snatch, Kick-Ass) take on the nascent days of Charles Xavier’s School for Ostracized Young People with Wacky Powers. And I freaking LOVED it. Forget Green Lantern and Thor; this is the superhero movie of the summer. Captain America might be good, but shee-it, it’ll have to work wonders to come off as smartly and sensationally as this ensemble adventure. Well, okay, don’t completely forget Green Lantern; it’s a guilty pleasure.
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Shockwave Sodomizes Chicago in TRANNIES 3: DARK SIDE OF THE BAY!!
01 Jul 2011 by Abominable Snowcone / 11 Comments
The TRANSFORMERS movies are like high-end Christmas toys that come bristling with all kinds of lights, bells, and whistles—but whose shoddy construction ensures they won’t make it past the holidays without being broken. These movies are boisterous and bright—admittedly very cool to look at and listen to at times. But TRANSFORMERS is never a memorable movie experience because the movies are, well, hollow and cheap—like trinkets from a Taiwanese sweat shop. It’s like getting a decent hand job under the bleachers in high school when you know you’ll have a much better time the following weekend, in your friend’s parents’ bedroom, with some chick you’ll meet at the party he throws when his folks are out of town.
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Abom says “We’re going to fly now…join me, won’t you?”
21 Jun 2011 by Abominable Snowcone / 6 Comments
I had fun with Green Lantern. More fun, I dare say, than Super 8 (which I still don’t get why people are peeing their pants about).
Probably because the team that made GL had FUN with it and give knowing winks to the fact that, hey–this is a COMIC SUPERHERO with a MAGIC RING from SPACE whose MASK doesn’t do shit to conceal his identity (yep they take that out on front street). I’m sure people will bitch that the effects are too much, too obvious–but really, how else could one represent these other worlds, other species, and all those ring effects? Reynolds was just fine, IMO.
Even so, part of me still thinks it’s even beyond the preposterousness of comic books that Jordan can “construct” devices / machines with moving parts and chemical components, like machine guns and rocket launchers. SO this is a BIG step beyond all those giant green baseball bats, fly swatters, and catchers mitts he used in the Superfriends cartoon back in the 1930s or whatever. I’m glad his constructs are more elaborate than those, but at the same time I feel the Lanterns should be bound by the T-1000 rule: “It doesn’t work that way. Bombs and guns have chemicals, moving parts. But it can form knives…stabbing weapons.” I don’t care how imaginative you are, or how much willpower you have, if you’re going to generate a magical green machine gun, you probably need some rudimentary knowledge of said weapon’s moving parts and shit. You can’t just vaguely imagine all the assembly into existence and expect it to work.
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Ian Austin says FUCK YOU ALL! GREEN LANTERN is a ‘Comic-book film that dares simply to be fun’
18 Jun 2011 by AIBN STAFF / 3 Comments
SPOILER WARNING, AMIGOS!
In brightest day, in blackest night
No evil shall escape my sight
Let those who worship evils might
Beware my power, Green Lanterns light.
Does that strike an emotional nerve?
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