What a troubling and puzzling time we live in right now. It’s like…now what? Nolan has unleashed his fucking masterpiece on us. The trilogy is complete. Do I ever wanna step foot in a theater again? What good could come from that? Especially whilst Rises is still out there…haunting us, like a watchful specter. I’ll be honest, paying for anything else, with Batman on right next door…it would feel like cheating. That’s not the man my mother raised.
If you haven’t seen Rises three or more times already, then fuck off…don’t bother reading the rest of this. You’re no good to me. Otherwise, let’s start the process together. Let’s figure out how we will continue to function henceforth.
I mean think about it, your grand kids, or some cute neighborhood kids who are 3-5 years old right now. Eventually they’ll have some faint recollection of this big Batman thing that was huge when they were too young to see it or understand it. Now imagine getting to FUCKING DEVASTATE them with the whole trilogy 10 years from now. How amazing is that? For now, just know you will be able to experience that one day, witness the face of an ‘innocent’ being shattered by the power of Nolan for the first time…that’s a magical thing. It’ll probably be far greater than most of those old movies we heard about growing up, then finally got to fall asleep to over and over again until we turned 30 and were able to fully enjoy boring-but-good movies, then came to realize now they’re just more historical documents than an actual cinematic experience.
Nolan’s Batman…has owned all.
Now, with all the sadness and lament we’ve all no doubt been struggling with, let us keep our chins up, move on to ‘what’s next’ and turn it over to Professional Koutchoom to walk us through these troubling times…
Hey Professionals! I send out my sincerest congratulations to Nolan and Bale and the whole Dark Knight crew for a job well done…tremendous tremendous work, fellas. I must say, I feel a bit worthless trying to teach the world how to move on from this defining moment in culture and cinema, but LET’S TRY IT!
First off, whoever put Total Recall out this close to Rises should be out of a goddamn job come Monday, when the box office receipts drops harder than Whedon’s balls when the end credits of The Dark Knight Rises started rolling. Just a terrible choice of date. Why the fuck didn’t it come out in March or April when there was zero competition?
So let’s be clear, movie-going is a workout…albeit a mental workout, it’s a workout nonetheless. After experiencing something as dense and monumental as Rises multiple times, it’s best to ease back into the swing of things with a light jog, maybe a couple of push-ups. Nothing too intense. You don’t wanna fucking pull anything by watching a film that runs over 90 minutes, that’s for sure. These are the safety precautions one must take ADTDKR (Anno Domini The Dark Knight Rises).
Luckily the Hollywood overlords foresaw this and programmed accordingly (of course, the always gluttonous general public has sort of overlooked this notion, but I’d rather them RISE and RISE again until lambs become lions for Rises.)
“I’re always told me mate Bob that trollop were no good fer’em.”
So here we have it, the first film I offer you for your post-TDKR slump…STEP UP: REVOLUTION.
NOW NOW…hear me out. Trust me. I GET THE OUTRAGE. How can some tacky pop filth ever cleanse my soul and allow my brain to disconnect from the epicness overload of Rises???? Well it’s quite simple really. It doesn’t. It doesn’t have to. It’s filler. It’s a fun, silly, simple waste of time. The plot is simple, you know where it’s going from the start. The acting isn’t anything, but allowing your brain to turn to mush and admire the spectacle of dance is a blast. And the use of 3D is actually fun! It transports you back to a time when Hollywoodland was still interested in producing pure pop joy. Not every movie has to be a profound tale of adventurous self-discovery. Sometimes you just go to admire the visuals and relax. There is a caveat here. I love dancing. I’m no dancer myself. Shit, as a 400 pound Korean woman, I’m hardly mobile, so I may be a little biased here… my admiration of dance is more wish fulfillment of motion. I’ll never be able to do it, and when it’s done in such a fun way, I can appreciate the simultaneous simplicity and complexity of it all at once.
Anyway, it’s not as good as the third film in the series, STEP UP 3D, but it’s an enjoyable little date movie. 3D did a better job of showcasing the special dancers and changing up the style of segments. Also, the aerial shots of Miami in the new one, the digital grain is sort of fucking awful. They look like bad video footage that should’ve been left on the cutting room floor of the Miami Vice TV show. It shouldn’t have been allowed. Scott Speer needed to study Nolan’s approach a little more and understand the principal of making EVERY SHOT the cleanest and clearest YOU’VE EVER FUCKING SEEN.
You can always make it cleaner. – Christopher Nolan
So if you feel you’re too big and bad to watch a fun dance movie, good for you…just walk right the fuck into Total Recall and try to refrain from straight up hating on the work of these fabulous dance prodigies. They wreck their body to ENTERTAIN YOU. But that’s fine…at least check out the soundtrack. It’s a great party mix.
Now that we’ve covered the power of ‘fun factor rehabilitation’ in this post 9’e’Nolan world we live in, let us move onto emotion. Now a lot of athletes make the mistake of going WAY too hard right after an event. They fail to understand the concept of the ‘cool down’, which usually results in joint problems or muscle tears in the dick region. You must understand….THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, isn’t just a quick sprint around the corner, it’s a fucking marathon. A MONUMENTAL ACHIEVEMENT. You gotta take it slow afterward, my friend. Maybe just a few leg extensions and a hefty dump.
Now this next one, this is the breezy post-dump neighborhood jog…
RUBY SPARKS is a fluffy almost-anti-romance rom com. Best put, it’s Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for children. From the married directing team behind the movie Hugo is based on comes pure romantic fun! The premise is simple, dude creates the woman of his dreams out of thin air, then realizes having all that power can be tough to manage. I think it’s that flush/fluid workings between the married couple directors and the actually-dating-onscreen-couple that gives this thing an added **SPARK** if you will. It just tickles you right in that perfect little AWWWWW SHUCKS spot. It’s nice and cute and simple and surprisingly…rated R?
Hollywood’s next power couple!
I mean, let’s get fucking real here, I enjoyed the frank talk in the film. It came off natural. In so many of these things, it seems like the actor has never said a single cuss word in their entire life. It’s forced and odd. Here, it’s natural and I barely noticed it. It felt like real life.
I was hoping there’d be a little more here. Hoping something would really resonate. Kind of like the way you felt that aching in your bones and cock as you walked out of Rises. This isn’t that…obviously. It’s just a nice piece about finding someone you think you love, but you’re not sure if you love the person or the notion of love or actually being in love. The leads here are a little offbeat, but the film itself isn’t as quirky or cutesy as you’d hope. It’s all pretty straight forward. There are nice little glimpses of LA. I’m sure the hipster scene will eat it up. People who call themselves ‘writers’ will probably relate to it on a deeper level than you because…..well, they ARE writers after all?
So that’s about it this week. Know that there are others here, dealing with the same issues that plague you, dear traveler. It’s hard stepping back out into the world, blinded by the light of the shining city upon a hill after having marched through hell with Nolan and Bale at your side, but we must…endure. YOU must be the instrument of your liberation. Go out there and identify yourself to the world. Hopefully Rises will be in theaters for the next couple of months. FUCK. I’m not sure if it’s sacrilegious to see it in a $1 theater, but it may be fun? You never know. I just don’t want you to be weary of being able to enjoy yourself in the theater again. You have some options. The transition from gospel to mindless stimulation will be tough. It’ll take some time to readjust, but know that THE DAWN IS COMING…and we are here to help.