NASHVILLE. He’s one of today’s top box office draws, but while traveling through Tennessee late Friday night Christian Bale launched a crime spree so bloody and riddled with debris that local constables say they haven’t seen anything like it since The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas.
Academy Award-Winning actor Christian Bale, 38, would be accused of committing 47 felonies in just six hours while going on a “terror” through Nashville.
If only authorities could catch him.
“Ain’t never seen nothin’ like it in all my days,” a dumb-struck Sgt. Gary Plywood told professionals at Ain’t It Bale News.
“But I’ll be damned if that guy wasn’t great in Harsh Times,” added the beleaguered cop.
Police say the outrageously good-looking Welsh actor traveled to Nashville by Greyhound bus from Kentucky before beginning his unprecedented crime spree. Upon arriving in Nashville—he broke into a gun shop called The Killing Floor, where he stole several items including three Beretta 92S handguns, two Uzi submachine guns, a Taser, a roll of duct tape, a length of rubber hose, a shotgun, and a pack of Certs mint candies. He then pilfered a “Hunting Season is Open!” T-Shirt before urinating in the store lobby and burning the business to the ground.
Bale—who reprises his role as DC Comics’ caped crusader Batman, in the forthcoming The Dark Knight Rises this July—then proceeded to a local bar, where he downed several shots of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey before shooting and killing seven patrons and holding eight others at gunpoint. He robbed all 15 individuals—but not before shocking three of them with the Taser and pistol-whipping two others.
“You’re all amateurs!” the actor was overhead saying as he administered the drubbings. “And it’s fuh-ckin’ distractin’!”
All seven shooting victims were pronounced dead at the scene, which was said to have resembled an explosion in a pizza shop.
“Christian went belly-up to the bar and had a couple drinks,” said Blue Moon proprietor Jake Brancanovic. “Then, after about twenty minutes, he just swirled ‘round on his barstool and opened fire.”
Five minutes later, Bale carjacked a taxi driver at gunpoint. After plowing the cab into a bus stop filled with elderly women, he used the credit cards stolen from the bar patrons to purchase gifts for children at a local orphanage. A Longaberger basket overflowing with such treats as Cheetos, Twinkies, and ‘Meadow Showers’ scented Yankee Candles was found on the doorstep of Rosary Hall Convent by Sister Mary Agnes Poncienna at about 8:30pm.
“How generous!” exclaimed the twenty-four year old nun—who has since left the orphanage to pursue the heartthrob actor across the country. “I’ll bet he took pity upon the children because of his recent role in The Flowers of War.”
Bale plays a mortician who stays on at a bombed-out cathedral to guard a troupe of abandoned schoolchildren in the new historical drama from acclaimed director Zhang Yimou. The actor allegedly assaulted several government agents while shooting the World War II pic in China last year—but none of the deaths could be traced to the devilishly handsome Metroland star.
“He also stopped at the Walmart on Nolensville,” said Sgt. Plywood. “Bale went on in there and—from what Chuck in electronics says—shot up all the Daughtry CDs,” Sgt. Plywood said.
And that was only the beginning.
In the wee hours of the next morning, Bale broke into a local women’s shelter. He not only vandalized the offices, but also defecated on a desk and smeared feces on some of the Thomas Kinkade paintings in the lobby.
An apparent message, smeared hastily in poo across the wall, read: YOU SHALL FIND EQUILIBRIUM IN THE VALLEY OF LIGHT.
Quitting the women’s shelter, Bale then reportedly robbed several guests at the adjacent Double Pine hotel. Spotters claim he knocked on several doors while pretending to be a female housekeeper, throttling any guests who answered. Bale was reportedly crying while doing so.
“Twick or tweet!” announced the comely Laurel Canyon star, according to one delighted eyewitness.
Bale then paused for a quick costume change, doffing his “Hunting Season” tee, removing his jeans—and taking a razor to his luxuriously-shampooed hair.
“We have surveillance footage of Bale leaving the hotel with a shaved head,” Sgt. Plywood said. “And fuck me if he didn’t look awesome.”
After crashing his stolen cab into a curbside hot dog kiosk, Bale then held a second taxi driver at gunpoint. The ordeal was over quickly for the Indian-American motorist, however, as his captor ended several rounds into the head of the 47-year old immigrant. Nine spent shell casings were found on the cab’s passenger set—which itself was spattered with blood, brain particulate matter, and other unidentifiable gore.
When spotted last, Bale was perched atop Opryland, submerged in a water-cooling vat for an afternoon chill.
The Metro Fire Department was brought in to remove the swashbuckling Terminator: Salvation lead from the tank—but Bale repeatedly kicked away a ladder positioned by firefighters and fired his Berettas at their vehicles to keep them at bay.
“Come to get me, have you?” teased the temperamental thespian. “Oh, goooood!”
Bale disappeared behind a cloud of smoke resulting from a series of detonations he’d apparently set earlier across nearby rooftops. By all counts, his escape was “graceful,” and the carnage left in his wake “shocking—but not unaesthetically pleasing.”
“He rode in on the Greyhound, then dashed off in a dust cloud,” Sgt. Plywood said. “Just like Batman Begins. Fuck, it was beautiful.”
At the time of this report Plywood’s office had notified families of only 26 of the estimated 127 killed during Bale’s jovial junket. None of the next-of-kin—who described themselves as “blessed” for having been touched by greatness—wished to press charges.
UPDATE: Since the initial interview on Sunday morning, Sister Mary Agnes Poncienna of Rosary Hall Convent has contacted the AIBN offices to acknowledge that she may be bias due to the fact that she has been vigorously masturbating to Bale’s image in the privacy of her dormitory for years.