This is a Bale public service
announcement. I repeat, this is a Bale
public service announcement.
It has come to our attention these past weeks that we here at “Ain’t It Bale News” were negligent in our public duty to inform you, our fellow Professionals, of the awesomeness that is THE THING. We know what you’re thinking. You’re like, “OHHH, GOOOOOOOOOOOD!”
For this egregious error……..we apologize. We had important things happening at the time and thought the public was smart enough to figure it out on their own. Sadly, this was not the case, even though Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Lucy McClane) is in it. We effectively trashed our own scene, and our guilt is fawk-ing’ distractin’.
No bullshit, this weekend will probably be your last fucking chance to see The Thing at your local cineplex. If you were even remotely a fan of the 1982 John Carpenter film of the same name, then this movie will do you proud. It has all the thrills, chills and terrors that you remember from your first viewing of that film. And while it does not star Kurt Russell, it DOES feature Mary Elizabeth Winstead and her alluring eyes, and an ass that is more aesthetically pleasing than those of either Wilford Brimley or Donald Moffat. The CGI monster effects are some of the best we’ve ever seen, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead looks terrific in sweaters.
Here are just a few things The Professionals have
been saying about the film:
Hell yes. Saw THING. Liked it. Not quite as much as ’82, but enough. Winstead was good. Could have used a little more expo time getting to know these people, because once they started dying off, I didn’t give a fuck. They were all just a bunch of indistinguishable brown-hairs to me.
Kurt had the beard, and Winstead has the bearded clam. Praise Bale.
I loved it. Better than ’82. Shit hits HARD. It’s mean and lean. There’s zero fat. Zero bullshit. Winstead owns it.
It really feels like Alien meets The Relic. Gave me visions of sugar plum fairies and clit-dick.
The practical effects and the CGI were fucking outstanding.
The final scene in the snowcrawler combined with the credit sequence is the best ending to a film I’ve seen this year.
Yeah so glad I saw it in a nice theater and didn’t wait till $1 or DVD the sound rocked balls.
Man, the female role is fucking reality. That really surprised me. No romance, No shots of her in an undershirt. Not heroic. She takes charge outright very briefly. She never has that “Ripley” vibe to her, which is pretty fucking cool in my opinion.
The Wife said “THAt’S how you write a female role.”
But honestly, that last shot of her in the snowcrawler……..fuuuuuuck. Dead silence in the theater. Then the credits stuff….FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
Yeah, she’s an ordinary girl that’s driven by fear. She doesn’t become some dyke commando, but she plays the shit with some real fucking gravitas. Good strong face and authoritative tone. You believe these guys would follow the bitch.
Hehehe Dyke Commando. Why hasn’t anybody made that yet, Cynthia Rothrock is still alive right?
I wanna see a fucking third film with Winstead waking up in the medical ward of the Russian camp, it’s a few weeks after ’82 events. Just do the Alien 3 shit where a fucking THING TENTACLE rips the dick off the Russkie that’s been nursing her back to health.
And when she gets up she’s in one of those hospital coats and we get a nice ASS SHOT!
Fucking cold war paranoia, the Russians assume she’s a spy! For the climax, Winstead and whatever Cossack she’s fucking, wheel a Russian nuke into the mothership and blow it the fuck up!!
Directed by Tony Scott.
Do we get to see her ass in that one?
Have her go back to the American camp at some point….find a fucking frozen Mac and Black. That’s when we get the ass.
Hehe, frozen Kurt and Keith David with a empty bottle of JB between them
Hell yeah. Ebony and Ivory was a huge that year.
Totally….when you find an ebony squirter….hold onto her with the jaws of life.
Didn’t Steve Winwood have a song about that on his “Arc of a Diver” album. Something about, “When you See a Squirter, Take Her?”
I think that was on his next album, Boiling Streams.
I’m still thinking how they should have showed more of Winstead’s ass.
Since the only new title out now is Puss in Boots, and a true Professional isn’t legally allowed in a room full of children anyway, do yourself a favor and check this fun ass monster movie the fuck out. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is in it; she is NOT in Puss in Boots. We give Thing 2011 the Bale Dick Slap of Approval (BDSA) and if in the unlikely event you come away feeling we’ve lied to you, we have given you free reign of the comments section and invite you to talk as much shit as you want…for at least one week. That’s OUR promise to you, the Professionals.
Danny Dickblood getting to meet Mary Elizabeth Winstead at a cafe in Westwood recently.
So stand up, Professionals, do what’s right. Check out THE THING 2011…..even if you are high on meth when you do so. It features Mary Elizabeth Winstead in a pair of period-authentic 1982 Jordache jeans.
Are you Professional or NOT? Fuck!