STUNTCOCK: We are in for 2 hours of solid n-bombing.
YEAH FUCKING RIPTIDE. PERRY FUCKING KING.
DICKBLOOD: so what the fuck is the intent of this?
YOU PLEASURE HER, SHE GIT BETTER.
little slave kids fanning the white folk as they eat
I don’t wanna see slave children.
STUNTCOCK: So James Mason gets the script and says “I’M IN!” What the fuck?
DICKBLOOD: Soooo…Mandingo is saying black folk don’t have souls.
and they got Louis Armstrong
calling himself a ‘godfo’saken nigga’
and somehow Hattie McDaniel is still alive in this….
DICKBLOOD: What? When he said they sleep with Mexican dogs…..did he mean actual Mexican dogs, or women?
STUNTCOCK: What confuses me is HEY TITTIES….anyway what confuses me is what the fuck would these Honky cunts talk about if it wasn’t for the slaves?
DICKBLOOD: yeah that’s whats weird
HAHAHAHAHA! This fucking honky sittin’ all sexy-like in fronta’ the fire…
Hhhhmmmm…..if they ever remade this….this chick right here, totally MACY GRAY.
STUNTCOCK: That cabin must stink like salty tang.
no fuck scene?
STUNTCOCK: They make you wait so you have to sit through the whole thing I bet. WHERE THE FUCK IS SUSAN GEORGE AND HER TEETH?
DICKBLOOD: NOOOOOO. What the fuck?
LAY A NAKED BLACK KID ACROSS HIS FEET
TO GET RID OF RHEUMATISM?!
and this other dude walks in like nothing’s odd about that.
just fucking crazy….its this glimpse inside an alien world…
STUNTCOCK: Human foot warmer.
DICKBLOOD: What the fuck did that kid think shooting that? Dick Fleischer’s like– YEAH JUST LAY ON THE SWEET OLD MAN’S FEET AND STARE AT HIM LOVINGLY.
STUNTCOCK: Praying with a fat tit in the shot is professional.
DICKBLOOD: funniest thing about this shit…there are motherfuckers that love this, and watch it often.
DICKBLOOD: I think ODO wormed his way outta the live chat because it actually warms his heart and he didn’t wanna participate in any mockery
DICKBLOOD: the weird fucking juxtaposing thing here is this pleasant music…
and overall cheery tone to these moments
i mean, I guess it accurately shows that this is just everyday life. Some of this shit plays like LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE.
I wonder if Landon dug this shit?
STUNTCOCK: I’m super happy I sprung for the BluRay. I’ll never watch this shit again. I’ll give it to my Grandmother for her birthday.
DICKBLOOD: HOW MANY BLACK CHICKS CAN THESE DUDES FUCK?!!!
I mean…if they’re not discussing slave mortality and pain tolerance…
they’re just fucking them?
STUNTCOCK: Hilarious, there hasn’t been a scene yet where they talk about anything else.
DICKBLOOD: i just realized this main dude looks like fucking Nathan Fillion.
he’s got this poor man’s Han Solo quality about him
and now uhhh his cousin is whipping the slave girl with his belt and saying IT MAKES A MAN FEEL GOOD. Well….I can’t deny that.
STUNTCOCK: I thought he looked like Richard Hatch from Battlestar Galactica
DICKBLOOD: Same shit. Yeah.
STUNTCOCK: SMACK DAT ASSSSSSSSSS
DICKBLOOD: all men lust for the black hole
Now Fillion’s hooking up with Erykah Badu. Okay…so Fillion is the Slave Master with a heart’a gold.
STUNTCOCK: “You ever see blood in the moonlight Will? It appears quite black.”
DICKBLOOD: He looks like Fillion but sounds like Bruce Dern dubbed his lines. This is creepy. Especially while I’m looking at Erykah Badu with a semi.
I feel ashamed….this movie is so confusing
PUT CHO EYES ON ME
STUNTCOCK: Tender sex scene coming up. WHERE THE FUCK IS SUSAN GEORGE ALREADY? I CRAVE WHITE BROADS!!!
DICKBLOOD: he really is the nicest massa ever.
SEE THAT MIKE ….if you’re good to a woman
and confess….’I WANT TO PLEASE YOU’
you just have to offer her an exit plan
STUNTCOCK: Man, if I’d seen this at the drive-in I’d be hog-titted drunk or asleep by now.
DICKBLOOD: I know, it really is boring as fuck. Isn’t this supposed to be slop full’a sex? So far every time they kiss and lean back in bed it CUTS TO NEXT FUCKING SCENE. Machete all over again.
STUNTCOCK: “Now my Nubian Queen, shit ohn mye chest”
DICKBLOOD: WHOA!!! LOOK AT THE ABS ON THAT SLAVE!!!
THAT’S GOTTA BE MANDINGO
He’s standing at the slave market and some old slag just shoves her hands down his shorts
STUNTCOCK: IS THIS THE FUCKING NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CHANNEL WE’RE WATCHING?
DICKBLOOD: is this documented?
white women bought slaves to fuck them?
the odd thing is…..both men and women look like they want to fuck Mandingo. Again…I can’t blame them.
STUNTCOCK: WHAT?! 5grand? What is that today 120 g’s? Fuck, learn to wash your own dishes whitey. YEEESSSSSSSSSSSS SUSAN!!!!
Susan always looks good until she opens her yob, then it looks like a row of truck stop urinals.
DICKBLOOD: yeah, her mouth is all kinds fucked up
I mean….after Fillion has lobbed a cream bomb in hordes of dark gash….why the fuck would he look twice at this diseased lot lizard?
Even her hair sucks….its the color of piss stained carpet at the Econo Lodge.
STUNTCOCK: So the guys are cousins and she’s a cousin. Okay I get it. Don’t creampie white girls unless they’re family.
DICKBLOOD: HAHAHAHAHA……DON’T KISS ME YET, UNLESS ITS JUST A COUSIN KISS.
STUNTCOCK: BWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! How about “Cousin Anal?”
DICKBLOOD: really, this isn’t glorifying anything….its merely showcasing the allure of dark twat
STUNTCOCK: Well shit, they don’t need a movie for that.
DICKBLOOD: the locations really are nice, I’ll give it that.
STUNTCOCK: Like fuck man, first cousins? What the shit?
DICKBLOOD: I love this weird mystique around virginity
I NEVA NEVA NEVA NEVA NEVA NEVA DONE IT!!!
crazy white bitch….he don’t got time for em
DICKBLOOD: I always love the black dudes in george washington wigs….fuck is that BIZ MARKIE?!
STUNTCOCK: She needs to blow a perfect cum-bubble. “WHO BLED YOU?!”
What are these peoples’ jobs?
Okay now…BACK TO MANDINGO ABS.
STUNTCOCK: Six arms. Four mouths. Marry this bitch.
DICKBLOOD: Damn. Black on black fight.
DAYYYYUUUM Good shot to the back of the head
HAHA. All these aristocratic fucks running outta the whorehouse to watch the brothers fight.
STUNTCOCK: CHAIR MATCH!!!
DICKBLOOD: No white tit? A brothel full’a hos run outside and not a one white tit?! Maybe this film IS racist.
DICKBLOOD: so Fillion paid 4,500 dollars for Mandingo
Frenchie just offered 9,000
STUNTCOCK: Isn’t this guy a football player in real life? Get Michael Vick to play him in the remake.
DICKBLOOD: So now this asshole is gonna put his slave up to fight Mandingo…
So now its like a ROCKY story and Fillion is Mickey.
That would be a far more interesting film, two masters sign their slaves up for bout and it turns into an uplifting sports movie, in the end master and slave become pals. Burgess would’ve been good in that.
STUNTCOCK: Winner gets his freedom, and the chance to split white cooze.
DICKBLOOD: Wait! Now Fillion just bought Badu and its a sweet moment?!!! She’s all happy…smiles at him bashfully.
Uh oh! Susan ‘Piss-Tooth’ George is major jelzzzz.
How the fuck could Fillion afford to take Susan out for the weekend….buy Mandingo for 4,500 AND buy Badu for whatever?! How much fucking pocket cash does he carry?
STUNTCOCK: Who cares? All this movie needs is a double-oreo fourway. White balls slapping black balls.
DICKBLOOD: I’d actually like to see Hattie McDaniel pop that Nigerian squat in the remake….
ANTHONY HOPKINS as the FATHER, wearing that fucking fur getup from LEGENDS OF THE FALL!
STUNTCOCK: AAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAA!!!! You mean near the end when he’s all fucked up from the stroke?
DICKBLOOD: yeah yeah….great scene
Aiden lays that cop THE FUCK OUT
god i wish I was watching that instead
STUNTCOCK: I like that fucking movie. It’s an epic in the clasical sense, whereas this is a steaming load of balls.
DICKBLOOD: Hhhmmm….this is weird. Very cheery tone here now that Fillion brought Badu home….and they’re in love.
We haven’t really seen the family do anything THAT heinous….other than inspecting and pillaging of slave hole…..and the human foot warmer.
Hattie’s all happy now too….that’s nice.
So far this isn’t nearly what I thought. I mean obviously the scenario is fucked, but its this sugar coated potrayal thus far.
STUNTCOCK: I have the feeling there will be some sort of payoff at the end of this.
DICKBLOOD: They could’ve gone fucking epic with the ending…..like Fillion ends up caring for Mandingo and wants to do right by Badu, so helps them escape…..then gets blasted himself. An epic sacrifice, and Mandingo takes off with Badu….who is carrying Fillion’s child. So he ends up raising Barack Obama. EPIC.
STUNTCOCK: He’s looking at Mandingo chip wood like he wants the brown sugar up his ass.
DICKBLOOD: sooo now Fillion is training Mandingo howda fight…..somebody needs to fucking cut these sequences to YOU’RE THE BEST!
STUNTCOCK: I’ll make note of that
DICKBLOOD: Louis Armstrong insults Mandingo for fighting for the white man entertainment.
Mandingo insults Louis for putting on a “smiling nigga face fo the massa”
Susan’s teeth are still a little pissy
annnnnd Papa is putting his feet back on the child’s chest. Okay, I’m sensing a rhythm here. Maybe the film has finally found its groove.
STUNTCOCK: Now he’s in bed with Badu
DICKBLOOD: Very romantically lit…..really this is a love story.
STUNTCOCK: “Touch me, just put this shoe polish on your face first”
DICKBLOOD: Back in the day, how the fuck did they get their linens soooooo WHITE
DICKBLOOD: Kurt Russell could’ve really nailed this role too……like circa 1984
STUNTCOCK: This shit right here with her fanning him, this is nice.
DICKBLOOD: did she say OUR SUCKA? What the fuck is that?
STUNTCOCK: She looks like a girlfriend I had once.
DICKBLOOD: Weird. So he’s cool with all the love talk…..but when she suggests freedom he gets all pissed, cause she’ll ditch him and he’ll be stuck with Piss-Tooth
and now Badu is crying…
STUNTCOCK: High maintenance.
DICKBLOOD: NOOOOOO!!!! 4 dead white folk laid out…..are they gonna blame Mandingo?
STUNTCOCK: This movie needs a dude like Hackman played in Mississippi Burning.
DICKBLOOD: Damn. That’s fucked….they sic Mandingo on the runaway like a dog. Okay. This stopped being funny.
That guy is fucking awesome…
“AFTER YA HANG ME, KISS MA ASS”
STUNTCOCK: This guy had a good run of films in the seventies. The hung guy.
DICKBLOOD: this is hitting Mandingo deep
he wont forget this shit….and after the guy dangles they play fucking tribal music?! Say what???
you mean hung…or hanged?
STUNTCOCK: hard not to say HUNG around MANDINGO
DICKBLOOD: See, we need some kinda extreme abolitionist bad ass sub plot….cause there’s no one to root for.
STUNTCOCK: Some fucking balance.
DICKBLOOD: Yeah, I’m not really on board with any of these assholes…..Mandingo spends the whole film sniffing around with his snuffleupagas cock the whole time….he’s a fuck machine.
STUNTCOCK: Ohhhhhhhhhh shit. This has potential.
DICKBLOOD: Damn. PISS TOOTH called in BADU to whip her…
this is making me nervous. I hope she doesn’t kill her
the upside…..we may see Badu nipple
DICKBLOOD: “I’M GONNA WHOOP THAT SUCKA RIGHT OUTTA YOU”
So the SUCKA is a baby? FUCK. She just rolled down the stairs and lost Fillion’s baby.
STUNTCOCK: Yeah. Fuck this.
STUNTCOCK: Now it looks like fucking Gangs Of New York. “THIS IS A NIGHT FOR AMERICANS!!!!”
DICKBLOOD: Okay good….the big bout. And this fucking ring announcer just made me think of Timothy Dalton, who would make an excellent slave master.
FUCK!!!! IS THAT KIMBO SLICE?!!!
KIMBO VS MANDINGO…..co-starring: Kristina Rose’s colon.
STUNTCOCK: Heee heee Just name the porn Kimbo Slice, good enough.
DICKBLOOD: or some reason…..slave blood looks like Tapatio
STUNTCOCK: They should be fighting naked.
DICKBLOOD: For 1975….this shit is damn well shot.
STUNTCOCK: This is fucking nuts.
DICKBLOOD: I just wish they invested money in a solid composer….could’ve really made this fight magic
Someone like……BILL CONTI?
DICKBLOOD: Its weird, the concept of having slave vs slave fight to the death is obviously brutal and nasty…..but really– is that any different than Gladiator? It’s interesting that Rome is so far back we don’t really recognize them as SLAVE SLAVES….ya know? Those movies can just be FUN.
STUNTCOCK: Well that’s the thing. The exploitive thing is it was only a hundred and something years ago and somehow Spike Lee still blames you and I. Then again this is a guy who’s rich and still has a lazy eye.
DICKBLOOD: FUCK!! I just realized, PAPA SLAVE MASTER looks just like Robert Forster. Another character cast for the remake.
See Fillion is good to Badu…
“I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING FROM THE CITY. SOMETHING THAT’LL MAKE YOU PRETTY. NOT THAT YOU NEED PRETTYFYING”
you hear that…Susan?
FIX YOUR FUCKING TEETH
STUNTCOCK: You know who would have nailed the Papa role? RICHARD FUCKING BURTON
DICKBLOOD: that old queen?
DICKBLOOD: So while this is on my laptop
Anderson Cooper is interviewing Gaga on TV….and I gotta say, she’s lookin’ gooooood.
STUNTCOCK: She was on SNL a few weeks ago and I’ll admit, in a few of the skits she looked good enough to piss up her cunt.
DICKBLOOD: yeah she’s lookin very Marisa Tomei
STUNTCOCK: Hmmm, this is an awkward meal scene, nobody’s said “Nigger” yet.
DICKBLOOD: UH OH! Piss-Tooth just admitted she wasn’t a virgin
Soooo were slave masters just rock hard 24/7?!
STUNTCOCK: Cue the blues music.
DICKBLOOD: Yeah, Fillion is away and Piss-Tooth just called on Mandingo. I saw 90s porn on SPICE with this exact setup.
STUNTCOCK: FETCH MANDINGO!!! Those piss teeth are about to be white.
DICKBLOOD: Awwww hell naww…..this is gettin’ into some TO KILL A MOCKINBIRD shit
she’ll beg for the buttfuck….but cry rape as soon as head pops the threshold
STUNTCOCK: And you’ll never hear her fart again.
DICKBLOOD: What???? DANGER MUSIC
ohhh….if he DOESN’T fuck her she’s threatening to cry rape.
I fucking knew it!!!
STUNTCOCK: Yeah he’s going to have a bit of a problem shoveling the coals into that boiler.
DICKBLOOD: “AIN’T YOU EVER CRAVED A WHITE LADY BEFORE?”
wow….this reminds me of my whirlwind marriage.
Reno. Don’t fuck around in that town
STUNTCOCK: HE’S IN!!!! EBONY AND IVORY
This is a better fuck scene than the other pair got. FEEL IT!!!
Black balls slapping white anus = OSCAR BAIT!!!
DICKBLOOD: Okay, now we’re in a lovely slave-shack delivery room…
they say the slave baby just: “POP OUT LIKE A SEED OUT OF A PEACH”
Well yeah, I can image…..AFTER FUCKING MANDINGO.
But WAIT….what’s gonna happen when Piss Tooth pops out a baby that looks like Kareem Abdul Jabar?
STUNTCOCK: HOLY FUUUUUUUUUUCKKK
DICKBLOOD: Yeah….FUCK. Piss Tooth is pregnant. This is uhhh….
its like the time i tried to hard boil an egg in the microwave
Cracked the shell and stuck a fork in that fucker too soon…..
DICKBLOOD: So Susan in labor….how bad does that room stink?
Like Mandingo’s burnt hair?
STUNTCOCK: “IT AIN’T WHITE” Fuck man, DON’T DO IT YOU WHITE PRICK
Fuck….he killed the fucking kid.
DICKBLOOD: Yeah…I’m done with this shit. OH FUCK!!! FILLION IS PISSED!!!!!
STUNTCOCK: If Kevin Costner shows up in DANCES WITH WOLVES garb, I’ll be happy.
It feels like we’re into hour 4 of this thing.
DICKBLOOD: Fillion needs to make a necklace outta Susan’s fucking teeth. Bitch. i know
STUNTCOCK: Man show some sensitivity IT’S HIS FUCKING COUSIN!!!!
DICKBLOOD: like why the fuck is FIllion upset didn’t he want this bitch dead anyway? Now he has his chance.
But what the fuck?! Now he’s a dick to BADU? WHY???
This makes no sense.
STUNTCOCK: It sounds bad but I want every single person in this film to die.
DICKBLOOD: not Badu….come on.
She was great in Cider House Rules….also about incest and child death….hhhhmmm…
STUNTCOCK: OH FUCK MANDINGO SOUP!!!!
DICKBLOOD: Yeah, Fillion boiling a giant pot of water and ordering Mandingo to get in. All fun factor lost.
MANDINGO: I ALWAYS RESPECT YOU.
Fillion blasts him and he FALLS IN THE FUCKING BOILING POT!!!
Hhhmmm……now he’s harpooning him with a pitch-fork. This is very unpleasant.
STUNTCOCK: RISE UP LOUIS!!!!!!
DICKBLOOD: Louis regulated that shit…..blasted pops and shagged ass.
Fillion is crying over Robert Forster’s corpse.
and back to the opening shot…..reversed, panning back to the road…
BLOOD RED TITLES
DINO FUCKING DE LAURENTIIS!!!!
STUNTCOCK: Yeah I would never recommend this movie to anyone. DINO IS LAUGHING IN HIS GRAVE!!!
DICKBLOOD: So yeah that just happened…..what the fuck?
STUNTCOCK: I’m seriously sneaking this BluRay into HOD’s suitcase when we’re in Vegas. He’ll be so hungover he’ll think he bought it drunk.
DICKBLOOD: the first half was like…okay….I guess. It just started out like some bizarre romanticized Ted Turner world.
and suddenly Dino kicked the fucking door in screaming
I mean it just ended up stupid as fuck. Far too goofy to ever actually be disturbing. I just don’t understand the intent. It was wishful thinking on my part, but I wanted Fillion to fucking smoke everyone and run off with Badu.
STUNTCOCK: Yeah all in all Mandingo is a piece of shit. Completely.
DICKBLOOD: The photography though, you gotta admit– it was oddly nice.
STUNTCOCK: It was shot better than most films I’ve seen this year.
DICKBLOOD: And the people that act like its some darkly funny exploitative piece….what the fuck? Its just a dull film. It feels like its trying to say something, but it never finds a voice cause it gets derailed by the dumb fuck shock ending.
STUNTCOCK: I think people into that shit have never actually seen it. Except Knowles, he could somehow spin it so that he saw this the day before the hot dog cart ran him over and his fond memories of beating off all over his chinos to Susan George while his Dad was getting the popcorn.
Alright man, I’m going to smooooooke.
DICKBLOOD: This is the last fucking time I take an Odo recommendation.