Ain't It Bale News!

THE DICTATOR CUTS IT AT THE BALLS

Koutchboom — Fri, 18 May 2012 04:54:05 +0000

The biggest issue with The Dictator is a lack of conviction. This is a new character for Sir Sacha Baron Cohen, and you can tell throughout that he hasn’t fully fleshed him out in the same manner he did with Brüat. Because of that, The Dictator character doesn’t seem as sure-handed as his Ali G Show characters, which I feel makes it the slightest entry of his three American theatrical releases (it is better than the Ali G movie).

What’s good here is that Sacha proves he can work within the constraints of a completely scripted film. Maybe there was some improv-play between actors, but the scenes play as if they’re almost entirely staged….and that’s good. Also, he does a fine job pushing the edge of the PG-13 comedy. I know this is R rated, but cut 1-2 things and it could’ve been just as good in real money-making territory (at least it’s more R rated than Bridesmaids). Maybe it’s just my affected youth, but I didn’t find any of the humor as offensive as Brüno or Borat. I mean if Fat Limbaugh can get air-play, it’s about as R rated as THAT shit….with some FUCK bombs dribbled throughout….and a dick…..and milked breasts. So…yeah.

NOW THIS SCENE WAS FUCKING HYSTERICAL.

The movie is essentially the greatest Daily Show sketch or Onion article ever made, and that’s mainly because it has the balls to just come out and say goofy shit instead of coyly poking fun at something like Jon Stewart going “See…see…see….look how dumb that is,” like a pussy. Also, it’s funny…which is something the Onion has never been interested in. It’s brisk as fuck, gets your ass in and out before you’ve had a chance to fart up the seat and make the next person wonder about the weird smell. And I dug that. Comedies have been Apatowed too much these days and feel the need drag it on past 90 minutes for whatever reason. Also, it has a cinematic sense to it, something most comedy directors outside of Todd Phillips and Adam McKay don’t feel is important. The way they shot New York was at times, beautiful. You KNEW that was the real deal, not some fucking pisshole 4-block town that was standing in for New York like that Avengers thing.

Sooo I guess everyone has been fans of this fuck for some time now? I thought I was the only one dumb enough to watch THE LEAGUE?

Speaking of the epic scale….there is one letdown. Brother SBC was on Howard Stern and claimed he had never seen Chaplin’s The Great Dictator. Yeah yeah….and I haven’t taken a shit in the past 3 hours either. I’m not saying this is a complete knock-off, it’s a slight knock-off…..and there is a crucial speech at the end that made me think SOMEONE writing this fucking thing loved that Chaplin classic. And it’s the location of that speech that’s a letdown….after all this large scale shit, this big closing moment takes place in what looks like a fucking Residence Inn conference room. I wish they had gone more epic and kept that giant ass New York scale.

This was the second funniest scene in the movie.

I mean, this fucking thing had all the makings of another Love Guru….it even has some of the same co-stars. But SBC was smart, he kept the budget small, put some thought into the character and stayed focused. You’ll laugh a lot during this movie and you won’t be quoting it to death like Borat, which is nice. You’ll probably forget most of the jokes….they’re mostly quick jibs here and there and funny little practical things, that come and go quickly. Which is good, America’s gonna need a good laugh after they realize Avengers pretty much destroyed American cinema as we know it.

Also, in the end The Dictator has an appropriate message….how we’re all just sorta fucked.

Bale bless.

Conspiracyin559 finally meeting his hero at The Dictator premiere.

SET SAIL FOR MORE ALIEN INVASION BULLSHIT

Hawaiian Organ Donor — Thu, 17 May 2012 06:08:50 +0000

I was going to start off my review with some cliched smart ass comment about how Battleship will sink the careers of almost everyone involved. I figured at a price tag of $200M, this thing was going to be lucky to pull in Battle: Los Angeles numbers. But I see that it’s already brought in $215M overseas so after the domestic and international runs are over, this ironclad turd will make bank and then some. Meaning we’ll continue to get shitty insulting alien invasion flicks for quite some time.

THE GOOD

Rihanna is barely in it and when she is she’s mostly firing guns and cannons into aliens. And, frankly, as an actress in a shitty action movie she’s fine. She is however given some of the worst dialogue in the movie talking about how her father predicted the day aliens would come to Earth and how he wished he would be dead not to see the fallout. Yeah, that’s a conversation that every father has with their kids.

Unlike movies like Super 8 and War of the Worlds were aliens walk around a completely foreign and fairly violent environment naked or Independence Day with those idiotic bio-suits that are anything but bulletproof, we finally get some realistic body armor on alien invaders. These suits are totally generic looking (think of the armor in Halo), but no amount of bullets can penetrate them. And that makes sense to me. I’m no genius military tactician but I know enough that if 21st century soldiers are wearing body armor in places like Iraq and Afghanistan, then an alien species with 31st century level technology ain’t going to visit us in the nude. A lack of shame is one thing, utter stupidity is another. So let’s end this argument right here and right now. Naked aliens coming to a hostile environment is really fucking stupid. And here it’s one of the only things they get right.

The first twenty minutes are actually very promising. Yes, we get that stupid shit about the discovery of a goldilocks planet and us beaming a signal directly to it at the speed of light hoping there will be somebody to receive it and say hello back. And then there’s the intro of our hero who, surprise surprise, is a major fuck up who is pissing away his potential. When he meets the hot girl, we get the best scene in the whole damn movie: the hero breaking into a 7-11 to get her a burrito. The whole sequence is seen through the lens of security cameras and watching Kitsch fall through the ceiling and wipe out an enter aisle is sort of charming.

But the whole sequence is wasted because as soon as boy gets girl, they flash forward 7 years and we never really see boy and girl together again. It’s a complete non-romance so other than trying to appease the female demographic, you wonder why they shoehorned it into the movie in the first place.

THE BAD

Everything else.

So yeah, they fast forward 7 years and the fuck up is now a goddamn lieutenant in the Navy. I guess they really are as desperate and sad as Xiphos says they are. And of course the hot girl is the Admiral’s daughter and he doesn’t approve of her dating a fuck up, even though he managed to go from convenience store felon to Naval lieutenant in 7 years.

I knew the movie was starting to go south when the aliens arrived. The trailers have you believing the aliens have been here for a while and are hiding under the sea. Which is sort of cool. But we actually see them arrive and it’s a really shitty reveal, especially since after having traveled countless light years to get here and encountering all sorts of crazy shit in space, one of the ships hits a satellite upon arrival and it just so happens, it’s their communication ship. Yup, they send 5 ships and only ONE of them is capable of sending a signal back home. So while the remains of the communication ship rain down over Hong Kong, the other 4 head for Hawaii. Why? Because that’s where the relay station is and the aliens need to take control of it so they can fucking phone home. And yes, they have a fucking E.T. phone home joke in there.

Unfortunately for the aliens, it just so happens there’s a huge international naval exercise going on around Pearl Harbor. And lieutenant fuck up and Rihanna aren’t going to go down without a fight. And you know what, I’m getting tired of talking about this fucking worthless movie so I’m going to speed it up.

Essentially what we have is a second hour that’s like one prolonged game of Battleship. Yup, they manage to work a grid system in there. The aliens put up a huge force field around one of the Hawaiian islands so that nothing can get through, but it also traps the naval ships inside. And the naval ships have zero radar function so they use a grid of weather buoys to detect motion in the water. And the alien ships that have traveled light years to get here are not capable of flying in our atmosphere it seems. Instead they leap frog on the water. So every time they splash down, they set off a buoy and that tells the good guys where the ship is so they can fire on it. And while we have guided missiles, the aliens who have mastered space travel only have weapons that are line of sight. Yeah sure they have those cool buzzsaw things you see in the trailers but apparently only a limited supply as they only fire those twice. Otherwise, their primary weapon are cannons that fire line of sight. And take absolutely forever to get a shot off. So needless to say, we fire our guided missiles, they fire their line of sight cannons and guess who wins.

Things get absolutely fucking stupid when our heroes conclude that the aliens must be light sensitive because of the visor on their helmets and draw one of the ships close to an island where Kitsch has set up a sniper position. And yup, you guessed it, they draw the ship in the direction of the sunrise, lieutenant fuck up shoots out the bridge windows, the aliens are temporarily blinded and are unable to react as they are fired upon by the Navy. Jesus, what moron comes up with this shit? And who agrees to film this garbage?

And contrary to popular belief, Liam Neeson, the Admiral, doesn’t die. He’s just barely in it, but he pops up again at the very end to give his approval of lieutenant fuck up for killing all the aliens and saving the world.

Oh, you also might have heard that it’s never really clear whether the aliens are good or bad as it’s us that fire first. The aliens are sort of like the Predator in that they scan people and decide whether they’re a threat or not (green means don’t kill, red means KILL) but there’s a really fucking stupid sequence where one of those rolling buzzsaws decides not to kill a kid at a little league game and then proceeds to destroy an entire fucking freeway killing thousands of civilians. So I think their intent to fuck us up is made pretty goddamn clear.

The only new thing that this movie adds to the alien invasion genre is unprecedented levels of stupidity. It may be the most pointless movie ever made.

Spider-Man’s lookin’ tight, ese…

DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD — Tue, 15 May 2012 04:41:40 +0000

Love the bridge-save. Finally a comic movie other than Batman with some fucking scale and human emotion.

T2ON: UPRISING HAS BEGUNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!

Koutchboom — Mon, 14 May 2012 05:05:20 +0000

JUNE 7th MARK YOUR

FUCKING CALENDARS.

DTV Mel Can Still Kick Your Fucking Ass 50% Of The Time In GET THE GRINGO: PAYBACK 2!

STUNTCOCK_MIKE — Fri, 11 May 2012 01:12:28 +0000

This movie is right in the middle for me. It’s too fucking good to be DTV but it doesn’t quite measure up to being a theatrical feature. It’s the kind of movie you’d like to watch in the back of the family minivan while a hooker performs a Rusty Trombone on you for a solid ninety minutes.

Just sayin’.

Right off the bat this film screams “PAYBACK 2!!!” right into your face with the narration, which is sometimes funny and sometimes groan inducing. Like I said earlier: middle. He is kind of dumb like Porter as evidenced by the beginning when he decides he’d rather be arrested in Mexico than America. Huh?

There are parts of the film that remind me of Tony Scott, particularly Man On Fire. Well, not really I mean it’s got that sepia color to a lot of it so much so that the cgi blood splats look like beef gravy or the cunt juice of Dr. Joyce Brothers. Keen viewers will notice three motherfuckers from Man On Fire which is cool in a Mexican kind of way. Unfortunately the guy doesn’t get a bomb up the ass BUT that other fuck gets his toes chopped off. Well he got his fingers chopped off in MoF so…… same shit, different pile.

It’s all shot on video which at some points reminds you of a Mann film for about 1.5 seconds.

Overall it’s 2.5 out of 5. Good effort but if you want to jack off to a recent Mel film, I’d suggest Edge Of Darkness.

[LIVE CHAT] DICKBLOOD + ODO GO DOUBLE-VAG IN THE PUSSY THAT IS THOR!

AIBN STAFF — Fri, 04 May 2012 04:39:02 +0000

9:30 PM

ODO: IS it working?

DICKBLOOD: Hold on. FAWWWK. I just spilled my drink. Hold.

*****FOUR MINUTES LATER

DICKBLOOD: Okay. Fuck.

ODO: What’s your poison?

DICKBLOOD: Buffalo Trace and RC Cola.

ODO: I’m just drinking Red Bull.

DICKBLOOD: Well hopefully this thing doesn’t kill my fucking boner.

ODO: You couldn’t dig up HOD?

DICKBLOOD: No. I mention the site to him now and he tells me to go fuck myself. Angry angry man.

ODO: I bet.

I wonder what kind of hole he’s in right now

*****30 SECONDS OF RADIO SILENCE

ODO: Coincidentally I saw Branagh speak on Friday.

DICKBLOOD: Where?

ODO: The Castro Theatre in SF.

Fag central. I loved it.

DICKBLOOD: Isn’t that where Harvey Milk used to suck dick for a steak dinner?

ODO: Yeah. Milk plaques everywhere. And HIV awareness signs all over the subway.

DICKBLOOD: So how was Ken?

ODO: Boring as fuck. Every question was about Thor or The Avengers.

DICKBLOOD: You should’ve asked him how it felt to be at the Castro for the first time out of heels.

ODO: The gay moderator kept drooling all over my man Hemsworth the entire time.

DICKBLOOD: He was there?

ODO: No he just kept bringing him up.

DICKBLOOD: I actually dug him in that Miley Cyrus joint.

ODO: The girl next to me was very rude. Kept asking me not to shake my leg.

As if I have control over that.

DICKBLOOD: Oh yeah…I forget you’re like most internet superstars, you all have a phobia of being in public.

ODO: Oh yeah. I wouldn’t have done this if it wasn’t for class. I was shaking with uncontrollable rage waiting in line for an hour.

Hated everyone there. Part of that is because I hate Branagh so I can’t stand his fans.

DICKBLOOD: So did you use the bathroom at the Castro?

ODO: Yeah.

DICKBLOOD: Ass gasket or no?

ODO: I’m not hip to that reference.

DICKBLOOD: Alright….you’re boring me. Lets make it clear. You contacted me for this. WHY?

ODO: It was time for another Live Chat.

DICKBLOOD: Why Thor?

ODO: I don’t know.

DICKBLOOD: You saw it…and now you’re trying to incept this shit into my fucking skull?

ODO: I have no stake in this.

DICKBLOOD: Alright, start this motherfucker.

9:45 PM

DICKBLOOD: So I remember how jazzed you were for this last year. You couldn’t shut up about it.

ODO: Watching this while typing is going to be tough.

DICKBLOOD: Fucking CHRIST. You’re already bitching? Now you understand my anguish.

Oh yeah, this is the movie with all those stupid Dutch angles.

I love when they have to blurt out a character’s profession in the first fucking line, “JANE, YOU’RE AN ASTRO PHYSICIST!”

Thanks FUCK-O!

ODO: I don’t have a problem with that. If you have shitty exposition better get it out of the way as soon as possible.

Bring back opening crawls I say

DICKBLOOD: It’s just so fucking artificial.

ODO: So you want there to be more prequel comics?

DICKBLOOD: Nobody at you’re job is saying, BUT ODO, YOU’RE A MASSAGE THERAPIST! People don’t fucking speak like that.

ODO: This shit is so dark.

DICKBLOOD: I know, I can’t see a fucking thing.

ODO: What’s this lord of the rings shit? I don’t remember this

DICKBLOOD: Quiet. Tony Hopkins is explaining shit.

ODO: God

Marvel is so fucking cheap

DICKBLOOD: “OUR ARMIES DROVE THE FROST GIANTS BACK INTO THEIR OWN WORLD.”

I do like the prosthetic make-up on this bad guy. Reminds me of Ivan Ooze in Power Rangers.

ODO: We should’ve watched First Class instead. I torrented that the other day to see if it was improved.

DICKBLOOD: I can’t see a fucking thing so I’m just focusing on this horrid score.

ODO: Patrick Doyle has always been putrid.

DICKBLOOD: That’s Ken’s guy?

ODO: at the Branagh Q&A they showed Dead Again after he spoke

Doyle got applause when his name came up

DICKBLOOD: Did he also do that awful piece of shit Sleuth?

ODO: probably

haha Rene Russo

DICKBLOOD: Tony’s alright so far….but I already despise Thor. That dick-sucking grin…and that little fucking hammer twirl. We’re suposed to hate him?

ODO: he’s hawt

he’s totally the dude that fucked your girlfriend in college

I can’t even come to comprehend how much pussy that scraggly beard has brushed up against

9:55 PM

DICKBLOOD: I like that Scott Fitzgerald asshole. Lovely fellow.

ODO: he’s that pussy with the helmet with no screen presence whatsoever?

DICKBLOOD: BAHAHAHAHA….Tony tells Thor he’s not king….NOT YET.

CUT TO:

slomo of THOR KNOCKING OVER A TABLE!!!! HE’S SOOOOO FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!

10:00PM

DICKBLOOD: So Brendan Gleeson wasn’t avaible to play this Gimli wannabe?

ODO: Isn’t that Ray Stevenson?

DICKBLOOD: No fucking way.
BAHAHAHA. This fucking forced chemistry. The fucking hero’s roll-call, “Jimmy….you danced with my sister! Billy….you fucked my mom!” It’s exactly like that moment in Alexander, bringing up the good ole’ past conquests to rile up the troops, except here it feels ball-less and amateur.

FUCK THIS.

ODO: everyone in this shit is some internet famous douchebag.

DICKBLOOD: So basically Thor’s a dick and he allows all his dick friends to shit on his brother? Sooo….I hope Fitzerald cracks all of their skulls.

ODO: Prestige lightning!

DICKBLOOD: 15 minutes in….this shit is so needlessly convuluted.

ODO: How much did Stevenson hate his life when he was shooting this?

DICKBLOOD: This prick with the Van Dyke….why does he look like that? Is he a time-traveler?

ODO: The facial hair in this movie is abominable.

DICKBLOOD: Why the fuck didn’t they get your boy Dallas Roberts in the Van Dyke role?

10:08 PM

ODO: this battle is horrible

Branagh has no idea how to shoot action

DICKBLOOD: Wait…last year, didn’t you fucking rave about this thing?

ODO: Loki can use holograms?

DICKBLOOD: Hhhhmmm….this shot of the Asian dude running toward camera with the monster chasing him, hilarious greenscreen work. It looks like your boy Rodriguez’s magical treadmill walking.

So all the good guys in this are just giant cocksuckers?

Tony’s dumbass kid starts a war, and I’m supposed to like him for the rest of the movie cause of that winning smile?

ODO: Well he learns to be humble.

I wonder if Hemz got to plow Portman while he was shooting this

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, I get that that’s his arc….but so far he’s in that COCKSUCKER OF NO RETURN territory.

ODO: Every hero is a dickhead now. I blame Iron Man’s popularity.

DICKBLOOD: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HOLY SHIT!! THERE IT IS.

YOU ARE AND OLD MAN AND A FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!
FUCK YEAH

ODO: Seriously, Xavier in First Class, Green Lantern, Thor, Iron Man…

all dickheads

DICKBLOOD: Dude, I’m pretty drunk now. No joke.

This fucking movie.

ODO: Remember when Marvel wanted Daniel Craig to play Thor?

DICKBLOOD: I have no idea what yer talking about.

I like all the colors in the wormhole. Good choice. Colors are nice.

10:16 PM

DICKBLOOD: ALRIGHT! Now we’re back where we started. We’ve come full circle, you see?

ODO: You dig Kat Dennings?

DICKBLOOD: I do….good pale…veiny heft. I can see her being a cutter. So sure…. I’d like to speed-bag those udders.

ODO: Wonderful tits.

DICKBLOOD: Jesus Christ….we’ve been watching this shit for 30 minutes?

ODO: Watch this scene.

Horrible.

Branagh’s sense of humor ir fucking retarded

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, great gag….Hemz face mashed up against the glass like fucking Looney Tunes.

YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR THE MIGHTY!!!

ODO: He’s at least as brain dead as Bay. That’s the sense I get when I watch him

DICKBLOOD: I get the sense he’s a smart guy with a weak grasp on human beings.

Wait…what the fuck? Thor can’t break out of those hospital restraints? I mean, I get that he’s a regular guy on earth, but what was the point of seeing him slip his skinny wrists out of the straps?

ODO: I think Branagh’s just fucking retarded.

DICKBLOOD: Remember when he was announced for this and the internet was pretending he was their favorite director?

10:20 PM

ODO: Stan Lee cameo.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, that was great. Slimeball piece of shit.

ODO: Why isn’t he dead yet?

DICKBLOOD: Hhhhmmm….Natalie hits him again.

“I’M SO SORRY, I SWEAR I’M NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE”

was that like…a funny moment?

ODO: My sister would think that was hilarious.

DICKBLOOD: How is she by the way?

ODO: Doing good.

DICKBLOOD: Jaw all healed up?

Ohhh god. This little pussy.

ODO: what little pussy?

DICKBLOOD: This prick from the Julie Louis Dreyfuss show….not your sister.

That’d be BIIIIIIIIIIIIIG PUSSY.

10:25 PM

DICKBLOOD: Wait wait….Van Dyke is alive??? Didn’t he fucking die in that battle?

ODO: He got stabbed by an icicle.

DICKBLOOD: So an icicle up the colon doesn’t harm an AssGuardian?

ODO: There’s a lot of good looking trim in this

DICKBLOOD: I don’t understand these fucker’s mortality.

ODO: It doesn’t make any fucking sense.

DICKBLOOD: So how many times you reckon Bra left a message on Watanabe’s voicemail to play the token Jap?

ODO: I hate fantasy shit.

DICKBLOOD: That’s cause you are “TRAIT-AAAAHHHS IN DA HUSSSS AWWWF ODIN’

10:30 PM

DICKBLOOD: So you think Bra is disgusted by the concept of simpletons discussing cinema on the world wide web?

ODO: I hope so. People were asking all sorts of stupid shit. So many teary eyed fans.

DICKBLOOD: Hehehhe….Scott Fitzgerald gettin’ all heavy with this King Lear shit…TELL MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

ODO: Yeah, Bra fucking hated being there. Some woman from Chile called him “The Ambassador to Shakespeare”

DICKBLOOD: I do like Loki a lot in this. This is surprising, I think a film based entirely on Loki, from his persepctive….would’ve been far more interesting.

ODO: fuck you.

DICKBLOOD: These moments sorta remind me of Joaquin in Gladiator.

ODO: All these jealous son characters are terrible.

DICKBLOOD: I usually dig them. Any time a son is screaming and spitting in the face of their half-dead father, I’m feelin’ it.

ODO: Portman is looking more Israeli the more time goes on

DICKBLOOD: YES!! There it is….the legendary FACEBOOK line.

ODO: How was Black Swan?

DICKBLOOD: You didn’t see that shit?? It’s pretty hilarz. Actually more of what I hoped this would be….DTV caliber piece of shit….almost farcical melodrama.

Mesrine is pretty fucking funny in it.

ODO: sounds rich

Gawd. Fuck this Coulson guy. I hope he gets paid next to nothing.

DICKBLOOD: Ohhh dayuuum….there’s some of that Black Swan delivery, Nat!

“I AM ON THE VERGE OF UNDERSTANDING SOMETHING EXTRAORDINARY!”

ODO: Fucking ipod jokes.

DICKBLOOD: I bet Stellan could barely tolerate being around Nat. He watched her rehearse and groaned, “Callous cunt is full’a shite.”

ODO: I hate humanity.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah….i don’t understand why Kat or Stellan exist here. Every Stellan line just fucking explains what happened 10 seconds ago, and every Kat line adds a cute little sparkle of pop culture to close the scene!

10:39 PM

DICKBLOOD: I’m baffled by what a pathetic pussy Ray is in this.

“If I may…BEG…his majesty to reconsider”

I hope he was in the hotel reading his 4 lines to his wife on the phone, just fucking crying

ODO: not sure I buy Russo as a scandanavian

she looks like a total wop.

DICKBLOOD: BAHAHAHAHA. Love those bookstore moments, just flip a book open right to the fucking Thor page. THE LEGEND IS REEEEAL!

ODO: oh god

this pet shop scene

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, just think of this shit from a production-end….it required a practical exterior/interior location, animal wranglers for all those pets, casting the Charlie Kaufman lookin’ muthafucka pet shop attendant, costume people to find him that gnarly sweater, hours of setup and shooting….all that….

ODO: for that shitty joke

DICKBLOOD: for “I NEED A HORSE”.

THAT…IS FUCKING MOVIE MAGIC.

10:45 PM

DICKBLOOD: Ya know…all this Tony in a coma business, there could’ve been some interesting play with this. Like Senators plotting behind his back, Loki not knowing who to trust….complexity…DRAMA! Somewhere in here, in the story of Loki is a great film. Instead we gotta focus on this Marvel tie-in garbage, and the cute fish-outta-water bits with this Hemz piece of shit.

ODO: That final fantasy force field over Tony is making me angry

DICKBLOOD: Alright…now Thor is going into this facility to get his hammer and uhhh…I thought it was gonna take a bit more for him to gain the ability to whoop ass on earth, 5 minutes ago he couldn’t find his piss-hole….now he’s some fucking commando?

ODO: Oh fuck this is funny.

Renner with the bow is killing me.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah…Thor’s got it made. He just cruises through like like Kato Kaelin.

ODO: Why is Renner in that crane? Get the fuck down there already

DICKBLOOD: Ohh excellent. THE MUD FIGHT!

ODO: This is like something from a Statham movie

DICKBLOOD: Soooo…did I miss it, was there a moment on earth when Thor is surprised he doesn’t have power?

ODO: I think he knows why

it’s the hammer

DICKBLOOD: So on AssGuard, if he were to lose the hammer…he would just be an ordinary person? All the other fucks fight pretty much the same. They don’t have hammers.

ODO: this is why we need an opening scrawl

DICKBLOOD: See, that’s the problem with this shit. He never once questioned why he’s just an ordinary douchebag on earth. He seems well aware of the rules on earth….but then they sprinkled in I NEED A FUCKING HORSE.

See….THIS. Loki looking over the universe, that pull back. 4 seconds of that was more interesting than the last 10 minutes of Thor rolling around in the mud.

Loki is the key. He has the story.

ODO: There’s no good Loki story

he sucks

DICKBLOOD: THINK. FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND.

THE LOKI STORY IS THERE!

ODO: No.

DICKBLOOD: IMMORTALITY

IT’S YOURS

TAKE IT!!!

10: 52 PM

ODO: why is Loki on Earth

how can he just do that?

DICKBLOOD: What are you talking about? That leprechaun suit is rad.

ODO: He looks like a white Kat Williams.

DICKBLOOD: You notice the weirdest shit….I’m entranced by Hemz’s bleached eyebrows.

ODO: this scene is embarassing

Wait…was that a joke?

Coulson walks in as Thor is saying ‘goodbye’ to Loki…

Coulson says, ‘Goodbye? I just got back.’

That’s how you wanna roll with it Ken? Really?

ODO: I can totally imagine Bra laughing his ass off at that at the script stage

They just let Thor go?

DICKBLOOD: So Coulson just thinks this is some ordinary dude that broke in to steal the fucking hammer?

ODO: this is like some shit from Full House

DICKBLOOD: what was the point of that Hobbit cameo? That was his first job? He’s just some fucking look-out guy?

ODO: the internet loved this shit when it came out

including some Baleievers

DICKBLOOD: I know….I considered getting Koutch in on this.

ODO: we could have used the perspective

DICKBLOOD: Not really. It would’ve just been:

Ohh wow…CHRIS IS SOOO CHARMING IN THIS SCENE….

I LOVE HIS HAIR…

OH MAN….THAT HORSE LINE WAS SOOO FUNNY

10:58 PM

DICKBLOOD: Alright alright…we’re back in AssGuard. Shit’s about to get real!!!

WHAT THE FUCK?! NOOOOOOOOOOO. LOKI IS THE BETRAYER?!

ODO: You didn’t know that already?

fuuuuuuuuck

Wasn’t there some controversy from fanboys about this black dude? About how he was white in the comics

DICKBLOOD: Yeah…racist pieces of shit. I guess they’re part of that Peter Jackson cult that believes fantasy worlds are exclusive WHITES ONLY clubs.

ODO: oh no

more comedy

DICKBLOOD: yeah…drunk Stellan. Ya know, I like this dynamic between these three. Hemz, Nat, and Stellan…but not for this fucking movie. Thor comes off like a decent earthy/adventurous/small town guy, like he’s the local that helps them with transportation into the field, and he’s the blue collar charmer that falls for the goody goody PHD outta his league, and Stellan her father figure. Somewhere in there is a great dramedy.

ODO: Stellen used to be respected

now he’s 4th lead in fucking Thor

DICKBLOOD: well it could be worse

He could have Ray Stevenson’s role.

11:05 PM

ODO: comedy about how much Ray eats?!

this thing has hit rock bottom

DICKBLOOD: yeah….that’s not GIMLI or anything…

do we get Ray drinking and burping next? All those classic Peter Jackson contributions to cinema.

ODO: Idris Elba

that’s the black dudes name

just remembered

DICKBLOOD: Ohhh Jesus. This bit:

YOU WOULD DEFY OUR KING?

YES.

GOOD.

COMPLICATED FELLOW…ISN’T HE?

Like, that’s seriously the type of shit that makes Branagh giggle? That was humor?

ODO: I’m honestly not sure anymore.

DICKBLOOD: Alright good…Kat’s back. Where the fucking Twitter joke?

ODO: I dig her in that wool thing…what do you call it…a beanie?

DICKBLOOD: “WE GOT XENA…JACKIE CHAN…AND ROBIN HOOD”

Xena?

BAHAHAHAHA.

Fucking Branagh….he thinks Xena is the #1 show in the states

ODO: he really is a simpleton isn’t he?

10:12 PM

DICKBLOOD: Awwwww Christ. Why the fuck does this Coulson dipshit have to pop up every 5 minutes? WHAT FUCKING INFORMATION DOES HE PROVIDE THAT WE NEED???

ODO: this cross-over universe shit is horrid

“Is that one of Starks?”

DICKBLOOD: LOVE IT!

ODO: total geek boner moment

ODO: Why did they shoot this shit in New Mexico?

DICKBLOOD: Tax incentives. Marvel loves holding onto the cashola, and they don’t really give a shit about the look of a film….obviously.

Nice fucking generic facades in the middle of the desert, asshole.

ODO: just looks like a grimy Mexican shithole

like downtown of the city I was born

DICKBLOOD: Sooo….the whole point of his pals coming down to earth, was so they could have a funny moment walking down the street, then get their fucking ass kicked 2 minutes later?

ODO: And Thor has learned humility from this?

DICKBLOOD: Yes.

ODO: That’s it? That’s his arc?

DICKBLOOD: Lesson learned bro. All he had to do is tell his brother ‘this is between you and me’. HUMILITY GAINED!!!!

ODO: oh shit my roommate brought his girlfriend home

better turn this shit down

DICKBLOOD: Hehehe….I love it. Natalie is all teary over this motherfucker cause uhhhh….they had that one magical conversation about science and magic last night.

Man, 10 years ago….I would’ve never believed her career would get this low rent. Cunt.

ODO: Why is the hammer coming toward him?

DICKBLOOD: Tony released the fucking curse, bro.

ODO: I thought he had to pick it up.

DICKBLOOD: NO! He had to do something selfless….which I guess was walking down the street in slow-motion toward that robot thing he knew wouldn’t kill him.

ODO: I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO PICK IT UP

DICKBLOOD: Didn’t you see the fucking tear? It’s the power of love.

ODO: I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO PICK IT UP

DICKBLOOD: See, here’s what I don’t get…..so Tony’s in a fucking coma cause of his other asshole son, who means to fucking end him….and now he needs Thor to save the day, so he takes the curse off the hammer to give him back his power? So when all is well, Tony’s like FUCK OFF…..but when he needs Thor to come back and save the day he’s like ‘Ohhh alright, lesson learned, here’s your fucking hammer!’

What’s the moral there?

The way to make your dad like you…..get your other brother to try to kill the motherfucker?

ODO: summer blockbusters man

10:20 PM

DICKBLOOD: So when did it become some big focus of Thor’s to protect Earth?

“WE FIGHT FOR THE SAME CAUSE?”

I thought it was just a random shithole he was banished to….now it’s his sole focus in life?

ODO: Why does he care about humans?

he became humbled after like one night. He should just fuck Portman and take off

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, see….I can get past everything else. I get it…these fucking idiots like the Marvel shit and i’m the weirdo..okay

but people claiming the fucking Hemz/Natalie romance was good?

OHHHHH FUCK YOU

What a tacked on, artificial piece of shit.

ODO: wait. Loki saved them?

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, Loki backed up Tony. I knew that motherfucker was a Legends of the Fall fan

ODO: What do you think of that rainbow Bridge?

DICKBLOOD: Love it.

ODO: I can’t believe they made this pussy the bad guy in The Avengers

I would have rather had Rourke

DICKBLOOD: Well it’s a toss up between Loki or that fucking rainbow bridge as the best fucking thing in this movie.

I swear, he ALMOST makes me curious about Avengers.

ODO: he’s terrible

there is nothing interesting about this asswipe

DICKBLOOD: Dude, he’s destroying Hemz in this scene. He swallows him up when they share the frame.

ODO: WHAT

DICKBLOOD: Performance-wise, he makes Hemz look like an inexperienced boy.

ODO: but who gets more pussy?

ANSWER ME THAT

10: 27 PM

DICKBLOOD: I dig the rainbow bridge here. All the Loki tricks. And this bit here reminds me of a pussy jock on the Tron Legacy closing. The wormhole’s about to close…..two brothers fighting for their father’s love….one of the fuckers dangling by his finger-tips.

ODO: this is so retarded

DICKBLOOD: FORGIVE ME JANE!!!

Weird…

there was even some sound design in there that sounded right outta Legacy….that digital ripple when the whole grid explodes. Very similar foley.

ODO: it’s more like the ending of The Good Son

Loki is Macauley

11:33 PM

DICKBLOOD: Alright….well, it looks like everything worked out fine.

And here’s Gimli telling tales of how much ass he kicked on earth.

it’s sorta like when people told me stories of how good this movie was

ODO: how could a functioning adult like this movie?

DICKBLOOD: Hehehe…Hemz is licking Tony’s ass….saying: I WILL NEVER BE A WISER KING, OR A BETTER FATHER…

ODO: Yes, he was humbled

DICKBLOOD: didn’t this fucker just banish his kid at the beginning, leaving him powerless in a foreign land? Very wise parenting.

ODO: what part of that don’t you fucking get??? He was humbled.

DICKBLOOD: BAHAHAHAHA. Tony says– YOU ALREADY MAKE ME PROUD…

At the start, he couldn’t wait to get rid of this douchebag…but once Loki knocks the motherfucker out, he’s like ehhhhh….Thor, you’re my NEW #1!

Jesus. Compare this piece of shit ending to Captain America. The romance was solid, it was the heart and soul of the film. And it was earned.

ODO: True.

DICKBLOOD: So saw the chemistry between Cap and Nipples grown. You wanted them to be together, they teased a glimpse of hapiness the future may bring….and then they’re yanked apart.

ODO: you felt bad for him in the end

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, it absolutely worked because you believed these two people could love each other and do well together. It stuck with you.

Now compare that to this Thor bullshit, he met this bitch like two days ago, zero chemistry….they shared ONE fucking bonding moment….and we close with this SHE SEARCHES FOR YOU bullshit?? Get the fuck outta here.

Jesus Captain America fucking destroys this turd.

ODO: It destroys Iron Man as well.

DICKBLOOD: It does….it’s the best they’ll ever do. They had the perfect world, the perfect characters, and the perfect setting. Would’ve made a damn solid trilogy.

But nope….they had to dump it down the toilet for the Avengers cash-in. Fuck quality.

ODO: Even if Avengers was good these tie-in bits would still be garbage

DICKBLOOD: Yeah….the cute cameos and all that, there’s just something foul about it. Like hyper-commercialism or something.

ODO: There isn’t a single hispanic name in these credits

DICKBLOOD: What about Duan and Joseph Trujillio? BAHAHAHA….Grand Wizard Feige will only hire the Mexicans as ‘LABORERS’.

ODO: How little money do movies make these days? I mean both these movies were hits and Marvel still needs China to foot the bill for Iron Man 3.

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, these new Chinese deals are disgusting.

Vile piece of shit country that already has our balls in a vice grip….now we’re gonna hand em show business? The head of Bob Hope’s corpse would fucking explode if he heard we were in bed with the chinks.

ODO: Wonder how much Jackson gets paid for these useless cameos

DICKBLOOD: Who cares? Alright…how many fists you give this piece of shit?

ODO: I’m standing firm on 1

out of 10

DICKBLOOD: 10? For what fucking site?

We do 5 FISTS. Where the fuck have you been?

ODO: okay 1 out of 5

what about you?

DICKBLOOD: Well, basically everything on earth was a piece of shit…

I don’t like Hemz at all. Romance was a joke…Thor’s sudden humility for no reason was stupid..awful humor…worthless Kat and Stellan. Too much fucking Old Adventures of New Christine dick-lick. Everything having to do with the rules of the hammer was retarded…

ODO: Sounds like a 1 to me

DICKBLOOD: BUT! I really liked the design of all AssGuard..

ODO: it looked like something out of a sci-fi channel movie

DICKBLOOD: ..and I thought Loki Fitzgerald was a powerhouse. Tony was pretty serviceable. Idris was good…

rainbow bridge was kick ass

fucking wormhole was kick ass

ODO: Tony hasn’t given a fuck for a couple of decades now

DICKBLOOD: Thor’s team was all horrible and pointless

ODO: last time he tried was The Edge

DICKBLOOD: Yeah, pretty much….fuck this movie.

2 outta 5

ODO: according to The Bra during the Q&A he intends to shoot an adaption of Macbeth next…..how original

DICKBLOOD: Well, when that piece of shit drops…lose my number.

ODO: Thank you.

ODO19

DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

Keepin’ It Professional, IAN AUSTIN Says THE AVENGERS Is ‘Half brilliant, half shit’

AIBN STAFF — Tue, 01 May 2012 21:39:51 +0000

Remember in Rocky IV when they had Apollo Creed doing that five minute dancing entrance while James Brown sang that patriotic song? And then Apollo was destroyed by Drago in a really brutal way, eventually dying in the ring? Remember Rocky being pained and then spending ages doing push-ups so he could fight Communism?

The Avengers is Rocky IV.

If you want spoilers, go someplace else. I’m tired of the ‘woe is me’ attitude to spoilers, given that most of the time you have to look for them which negates your position AND you shouldn’t be reading reviews/watching trailers if you’re THAT hyped for a film. Because if you’re going to see it, why bother getting that immersed in the hype machine, ya know? It’s bound to lead to disappointment when you realise the entire film is in the trailers.

Not that I’m saying it’s the case with The Avengers…

Anyway, back to the laboured point I was making.

The Rocky series is amazing at times and stupid at times, but has an odd charm to it. Rocky IV hops between awesome moments and ridiculous moments, while keeping the characters consistent and the stakes clear. Rocky losing his friends makes him angry which plays in Drago’s favour when it comes to an unsanctioned fight. The story essentially becomes ‘can Rocky win without going to the dark side?’ It’s showing that boxing is a sport, not a gladiator fight.

Which leads us into The Avengers…

THE MAGICAL RIVER DANCING MIDGET!!!

… which is the most ridiculously overblown, targeted at fanboys, monstrously stupid action film of all time in both good and bad ways.

I’m a fan of action movies. Con Air, The Rock, Die Hard, even so called ‘terrible’ movies such as Cobra and Once Upon A Time In Mexico have their own charm. The problem with The Avengers is that it’s the first flat-out action movie from Marvel Studios, and as such they’ve broken the one rule you don’t break in an action movie.

YOU DON’T MAKE IT 2.5 HRS LONG.

THE JUDAS KISS

The Avengers is too long. People have debated that, and other points, with me. The problem is they only debate my points with ‘but it’s so awesome.’ There’s nothing wrong with thinking a movie is awesome, but it’s not a statement that stands up beyond personal opinion. I thought Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was awesome, yet it’s not really enough to win a debate on artistic merit.

It’s too long and, paradoxically, there’s entire parts where NOTHING HAPPENS.

I’m sure you know those sorts of parts in movies. They’ll have characters talking for ages, or invent a contrived crisis for them to solve, and just generally throw more screen time into a movie that’s already got a minimal focus. This film drags when it should be utilising a tight structure that means nothing is left hanging in the air.

Compare it to Machete, for example. Or even The Expendables. Now, granted, in those films you can say too much was happening – but at the same time, they made sure that it all tied back round. The Avengers, hilariously, has more overwrought action (especially in the last hour) than either of those movies, choosing ‘fan boy-pleasing’ moments in the exact same cynical way that Star Wars Episode 3: Rise of the Sith did. It’s not organic writing or directing, it’s mainstream ‘how much can we blow up’ nonsense.

And I love nonsense. But it doesn’t work after FIVE FILMS with a tight focus on character.

Sure, Iron Man 2 had too much character and at times Thor had too much action – but at the same time, they worked at keeping the plots as tight as possible and ensuring a human element prevailed. The fear with The Avengers was that it’d become a sprawling mess, and that’s exactly what it has wound up as.

Yes, it’s a fun mess.

The Avengers has scenes so brilliant it makes your toes curl. And some sterling action. The only snag is that it has no-one to root for, no lead character who anchors the film. Logically that SHOULD be Captain America stepping into a leadership role, but the film half-does this the same way it half-does all the other stuff. It seems so intent on connecting the dots (while still missing some big ones) of what Marvel Studios wants, that it forgets to exist as a tightly plotted film in it’s own right.

Ya know, maybe The Avengers isn’t Rocky IV after all.

It’s the Lost S1 finale. The pay-off to excellent character work that becomes a muddled, yet infrequently entertaining, mess of a checklist that ticks off every character doing something while not really having an underlined theme, or a particularly good bad guy. We live in a world where Machete AND The Expendables have better bad guys than The Avengers.

How is that POSSIBLE?

So yeah… I’d never say The Avengers is awful. When it works, it works. It just runs for 2.5 hrs on a 1.45 hr engine, and blows itself out too soon.

So I’d go for…

3 Flame On’s out of 5!

IAN AUSTIN

THE CUNT CLEAVER RETURNS

AIBN STAFF — Tue, 01 May 2012 04:41:09 +0000

Soon, my darlings…

AIBN STAFF — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 18:12:33 +0000

Righteous Tandem Shit! Stunt Double-Fists Ghost Rider 2 and Underworld 4!

STUNTCOCK_MIKE — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 02:21:28 +0000

Well fuck me if these aren’t the best two movies I’ve seen this year so far.

Both are sequels, both have inconsequential plots involving kids, and both movies have women I would suck a mile of cocks for just a chance to put the tip in. FUCK!

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Cage is directed by the guys who brought us the majesty of Crank, Crank 2, and Gamer, so chances are I’d like the shit. They are a little more restrained than usual but that’s fine. This movie, despite a lull in the action about halfway in, made my dink flex. The story revolves around……ahhhh who fucking cares? That Italian broad from The American is in it and although she doesn’t look as good here…….dammmmnnnnnnnnn she still looks fine as fuck. I’ll bet her quim tastes like Lime Gelato. Tart, but sweet enough that you’d shiv your Mom for another taste.

Underworld: Awakening My Loins is hand’s down the best of the series. This movie is all action. It’s the male actors who get the shaft in this fine production. Speedman’s double dies right off the bat. That was the first funny thing. Like what the fuck, he wouldn’t sign on for what reason exactly? His fucking career? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Then there’s the cop’s newbie partner who drops out of the movie so fast you don’t even notice ’till your takin’ a crunch two days later and it suddenly hits you.

Next up we have Wes Bentley, who was whispered about as a “next big thing” after American Creampie (whoops…Beauty) only to appear in the first Ghost Rider and this. Oh, did I mention he’s in this film for 87 seconds? I guess they wanted him for longer but he shaved his unibrow that morning and they were like, “Can’t use ya Wes, FUCK OFF!”.

So yeah you fuckers should check both of these out. Fun shit.